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Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

0 posted 2001-04-29 08:38 PM

NOTE: Ha! It's a song! Enjoy it if you please!

Utopian Dark:

She's shedding fake tears tonight
As her world crashes down.
Thinking about her world of fright
And shaking in a frown.

There's just nothing she can do
Living in a world so blue.
There's just something in her face
And her body wrinkles too.

You can't control her soul.
You can't believe what's told.
You can't break the mold
'Cause it's inside of you.
All the smiles in life.
All the memories of love.
All the sunny days
Are what defy the truth.

She was the perfect angel,
Yet her wings broke in three.
Falling as fast as sound
To the floor's open sea.

There's just nothing she can do
Living in a world so blue.
There's just something in her face
And her body wrinkles too.

You can't control her soul.
You can't believe what's told.
You can't break the mold
'Cause it's inside of you.
All the smiles in life.
All the memories of love.
All the sunny days
Are what defy the truth.

All the money in the world
Couldn't help her now.
All the stars in the sky
Could help her how?

You can't control her soul.
You can't believe what's told.
You can't break the mold
'Cause it's inside of you.
All the smiles in life.
All the memories of love.
All the sunny days
Are what defy the truth.

She's shedding fake tears tonight
As her world crashes down.
Thinking about her world of fright
And shaking in a frown.

knightlyshadows
Senior Member

since 2001-04-14

Posts 791
obscured vision

1 posted 2001-04-29 08:42 PM

lol i loved this javier! now i just needed to hear it with some music:P lol
tiff

“A single choice can build destinies,or destroy them.”

"at the touch of love anyone becomes a poet"

Allan Riverwood

Member Elite

since 2001-01-04

Posts 3502
Winnipeg

2 posted 2001-04-29 08:53 PM

Good job, Javier. The last stanza was a bit weak though, in my opinion. I think it might help to add another stanza of similar format so that you make it a bit different, more distinct as an ending. Just my humble opinion.

Either way, where's my MP3?

~Allan

Build a man a fire, and he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
~Unknown

Allan Riverwood

Member Elite

since 2001-01-04

Posts 3502
Winnipeg

3 posted 2001-04-29 08:54 PM

Oh and I like the smilies thing... reminded me of what we were talking about the other day.

coyote
Senior Member

since 2001-03-17

Posts 1077

4 posted 2001-04-29 09:57 PM

Bravo!!!
Song or not, Javier, this is still very "poetic" work.
Excellent job.

"The rose, like the cactus flower, protects herself with thorns. We however, impale ourselves on their beauty."
coyote

anonymous albert ?

Member Elite

since 2001-03-23

Posts 2979

5 posted 2001-04-29 11:40 PM

this poem was amazing..
on how you explained this so called.."women"
as she has sides that are lies, as how you seperated how she really feels and the way the truth is...
this is what i saw in this one..
it was very interesting....
great job..
keep writing

...?

if i die before i wake , i pray the lord my soul will take-"when thugs cry"

[This message has been edited by anonymous albert ? (edited 04-29-2001).]

Ina
Senior Member

since 2000-10-09

Posts 1236
Quebec, Canada

6 posted 2001-04-30 10:01 AM

this was awesome! your songs are very intersting.....

Regi

"Take a look at my face, there's no price I won't pay
To say these words to you"bon jovi

vixengrl04
Member

since 2001-04-26

Posts 495
East Haddam, CT

7 posted 2001-04-30 10:11 AM

OOOh good job here, I like this. Nicely written.

~*Nikki*~

~*Of all the millions of people in the world, I'm just me.*~

anonymousfemale
Member Elite

since 2000-02-02

Posts 2797
Limbo

8 posted 2001-04-30 10:47 AM

Dopes, just amazing. It actually has my stomach in a knot. Probably because it has hit so very close to home. What I read in this is just so utterly amazing that all I can is say well done because no other words will form.

You're a talented one, Javier.

~AF~

" Your mother's in here with us Karras. Would you like to leave a message? I'll see that she gets it."
The Devil - The Exorcist

SEA

Moderator

Member Seraphic

since 2000-01-18

Posts 22676
with you

9 posted 2001-04-30 11:38 AM

yep, Dopey, you rock

this is fantastic

keoni
Senior Member

since 2000-10-16

Posts 850
Up in the mountains in the NFC

10 posted 2001-04-30 12:55 PM

I liked this one alot. This is one of your better songs in my opinion. I liked this ending alot:
"She's shedding fake tears tonight
As her world crashes down.
Thinking about her world of fright
And shaking in a frown."
Really,really good Javier.
Jon

"Your anger is a gift"-Rage Against The Machine
"Only God can judge me" Tupac Shakur

banburycross
Senior Member

since 2001-03-27

Posts 946
viginia

11 posted 2001-04-30 01:34 PM

great song!! i found myself singing it out loud as i read it. the rythm was great, i really wish that i could hear it put to music, anyway, keep posting all your work.

Sometimes, the things that go unsaid are the only things worth hearing.

Suga_Baby
Member

since 2000-08-06

Posts 380
Maine, USA

12 posted 2001-04-30 04:40 PM

OOOOH this is so super! But I agree with whomever said that thing about music with it... I think you should make a recording for us ALL! YAY!

hahaha nice work, as always!

"A dream is a wish your heart makes while you are fast asleep."

Isabel Galaxia
Senior Member

since 2000-06-18

Posts 733

13 posted 2001-04-30 05:38 PM

WOW this is great! Teach me to write like you!!

Bel

cherish
Senior Member

since 2001-03-25

Posts 1639
swimming in fairy floss...........

14 posted 2001-04-30 07:46 PM

hey!! this was GREAT!!!

..i loved the part where you go:
                              Yet her wings broke in three.
                               Falling as fast as sound
                               To the floor's open sea.
that was just AWESOME!!!
now  you just gotta SING it!!!!

"Life is not long and boring,
it's short and compelling." -Javier Agosto-

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

15 posted 2001-04-30 11:35 PM

Hey thanks everybody. This song was written weirdly in my opinion. I had a vision in my eyes of a girl....and I don't know....just weird stuff going on.
Thanks for the compliments everybody. Means bunches to me......helps me continue to post.

I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

I'm in love with my shadow
I admire it daily

Fading Away

Member Elite

since 2001-03-14

Posts 3131
Lynchburg, Virginia

16 posted 2001-05-01 01:48 PM

Do you have a tune to it? If you do, I would really like to hear this on MP3 sometime.
Great job. This is very well written.
Nicely done, Javi!

--Marie

subconsciously, i think i can eat so much to make my stomach hurt, instead of my heart.

Linc

Senior Member

since 2001-03-07

Posts 552
The Backstreet Boy

17 posted 2001-05-01 01:57 PM

Hey,

I was trying to sing it but I need a tune

oh and a hint of talent haha anyways great song ha bet you though I was going to say poem didn't you admit it! okay I am a tad hyper...

-- Linc

"Once you reach your original goal it seems that the journey was your real accomplishment."

ethel lahootie
Member

since 2001-03-06

Posts 143
SC, USA

18 posted 2001-05-01 08:14 PM

i read this the other day and didnt reply and i just couldnt stop thinkin bout it. so i thought id reply and say that that was really good. i liked it alot. alot alot. haha

good job! ~jO~

lonely*soul
Member

since 2001-04-05

Posts 396
east haddam (moodus) ct :)

19 posted 2001-05-01 08:18 PM

jav, that is sooo true..and i like this one too, i wanna hear some music!!!!!

*KiM*

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