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knightlyshadows
Senior Member

since 2001-04-14

Posts 791
obscured vision

0 posted 2001-04-27 09:10 PM

you trod on my heart
you crushed it down
but whats sad is
you didnt even realize that

I hide my feelings
so Close, so Tight
My life is a facade
that im beginning to believe

you broke my heart
you tore it into
but whats sad is
you didnt even realize that

I hide my pain
so Close, so Tight
My life is a facade
that im beginning to believe

you ripped out my heart
you sprung it free
but whats sad is
you didnt even realize that

I hid my heart
so Close, so Tight
My life was a facade
that i was beginning to believe

but you set me free
from my facade
a facade that i was beginning to believe

now my heart sees
what its really like
and not this facade
that i was beginning to believe

“A single choice can build destinies,or destroy them.”

"at the touch of love anyone becomes a poet"

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

1 posted 2001-04-27 10:11 PM

I liked this a lot. Very well done. I liked the overall flow to it and the theme was geat. Good!

I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

I'm in love with my shadow
I admire it daily

Allan Riverwood

Member Elite

since 2001-01-04

Posts 3502
Winnipeg

2 posted 2001-04-27 11:27 PM

I liked it a lot, yes. But I felt it was missing something, I feel like this could be a song but the parts that are in this poem would only be like a chorus? I think if you wrote a few different verses to contrast to this it would create an outstanding effect.

JMHO
~Allan

Build a man a fire, and he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
~Unknown

Acies

Moderator

Member Rara Avis

since 2000-06-07

Posts 7665
Twilight Zone

3 posted 2001-05-01 07:45 PM

Well done though I would refrain from mentioning the same word over and over. In this case, it was "facade". But all in all, I'm impressed. keep sharing

"So long as men can breathe or eyes can see,
So long lives this, and this give life to thee." W.S.

lonely*soul
Member

since 2001-04-05

Posts 396
east haddam (moodus) ct :)

4 posted 2001-05-01 07:55 PM

i liked this...and i seriously think this could be a good song, if ya added a few more stanzas..good job tiff!!!
*KiM*

"i once asked my daddy, daddy, are we going to the moon, and he said, we cant get to the moon from where we are" ~ME (hehe this actully happened to me

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