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Master
Senior Member

since 1999-08-18

Posts 1867
Boston, MA

0 posted 2001-04-27 05:57 PM

One more day and nothing’s happened,--
How I loathe these wasted hours!
Neighbor’s dog continues yapping
At the passing Autumn showers.

There, the mailman walks humming
Same old tune without a name.
Something told me change was coming,
But I watched and nothing came.

I have poured myself some coffee,
Only it could still console
And relieve the pain, the awfully
Hopeless pain within my soul.

And it seems that I am destined
To remain here all my life...
Wearied fingers squeeze the pencil
Like the answer to my strife.

Marked by X’s, days are passing.
Worry dominates my thoughts.
Only birds continue basking
In the dust of country roads.

[This message has been edited by Master (edited 04-27-2001).]

anonymous albert ?

Member Elite

since 2001-03-23

Posts 2979

1 posted 2001-04-27 06:38 PM

i liked this one..
good job...
keep writing

...?

death is not the greatest loss in life. the greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live. -norman cousins

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

2 posted 2001-04-27 10:04 PM

I liked it.....the last stanza didn't seem to fit though in my eyes....Anyway I did like it....very well done.

I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

I'm in love with my shadow
I admire it daily

Allan Riverwood

Member Elite

since 2001-01-04

Posts 3502
Winnipeg

3 posted 2001-04-27 11:24 PM

I know your style is imperfect rhyme, but "roads" and "thoughts" was pushing it a bit I thought...
In the third stanza, reiteration of the word "pain" seemed a bit sloppy.
On a positive note, your meter was excellent.  Just excellent.
Only a few things I could say about this, overall I did enjoy it.

Nicely done.
~Allan

Build a man a fire, and he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
~Unknown

Elvenblood
Member

since 2001-02-17

Posts 409
Maine, USA

4 posted 2001-04-28 08:48 AM

Ahh, Allan, but repeating it makes it all the better in my opinion! I don't know why, I'm not very wlel versed in the mechanics of poetry. Mechanics in poetry to me are like paving roads in space. There's no point to me. I see poetry as completely free expression, and I hate having rules in it! (This is NOT an attack of the mods by the way, just an opinion of how I see expressive art)

No angels in heaven nor demons below the sea, could ever dissever my soul from the soul of the beautiful Annabel Lee

kaile

Member Ascendant

since 2000-02-06

Posts 5146
singapore

5 posted 2001-04-28 12:09 PM

Master,

this is wonderfully descriptive and i had a great time imagining those images you conjured as i read along.

however, i have to agree with Dopey_dope. the last two lines, while great imagery, doesnt seem to fit in with hte rest of the poem?

nevertheless, i enjoyed

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