Untitled (pantoum, if you were wondering)

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Silver Butterfly
Junior Member

since 2001-03-13

Posts 42
Between here and the end

0 posted 2001-04-24 05:12 PM

(just a little something I dreamed up while I should have been doing chem)

dancing glass candlelit floor
spinning gold beneath small feet
music singing counts of four
brassy ringing whirling beat

spinning gold beneath small feet
follow follow chanting leads
brassy ringing whirling beat
fabric swishing pearly beads

follow follow chanting leads
noble knightly deeds are done
fabric swishing pearly beads
moon and music sky are one

knightlyshadows
Senior Member

since 2001-04-14

Posts 791
obscured vision

1 posted 2001-04-24 05:36 PM

o tis lovely. i could picture it all in me head. beautiful description and i love the style.
tiff

“A single choice can build destinies,or destroy them.”

"at the touch of love anyone becomes a poet"

Allan Riverwood

Member Elite

since 2001-01-04

Posts 3502
Winnipeg

2 posted 2001-04-24 06:08 PM

I love pantoums!

You did a great job on this one, I really enjoyed it.
Keep posting!
~Allan

Build a man a fire, and he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
~Unknown

anonymous albert ?

Member Elite

since 2001-03-23

Posts 2979

3 posted 2001-04-24 06:28 PM

great imagery i really liked it..
nicely done..keep writng

...?

death is not the greatest loss in life. the greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live. -norman cousins

Heavens Tears

Senior Member

since 2001-03-15

Posts 677

4 posted 2001-04-24 07:36 PM

Beautiful job Deb!! You have a beautiful way of making words into poetry. Keep writing!

*~*Amanda*~*

*If the only place I can live my dreams is in my sleep, then I'll sleep forever!*

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

5 posted 2001-04-24 09:14 PM

Wow.....this was awesome. I really enjoyed this completely. The flow was awesome and the whole poem in itself rocked. VERY well done.

I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

I'm in love with my shadow
I admire it daily

Fading Away

Member Elite

since 2001-03-14

Posts 3131
Lynchburg, Virginia

6 posted 2001-04-25 07:04 PM

Wow, Debby, I like this a whole lot. The flow was awesome, and made it real easy to read.. I hope to see more soon.
Nice work.

--Marie

subconsciously, i think i can eat so much to make my stomach hurt, instead of my heart.

Allan Riverwood

Member Elite

since 2001-01-04

Posts 3502
Winnipeg

7 posted 2001-04-26 07:29 PM

Ok ok I apoligize... Mr Riverwood missed something earlier about your format. Pantoum is to be brought full-circle by filtering in the first and third lines as the last and third last lines of the poem. That makes it officially done... if I were you I'd just add a fourth stanza, all of the lines are there and it would just mean a quick copy/paste.

"noble knightly deeds are done
dancing glass candlelit floor
moon and music sky are one
music singing counts of four"

Lucky I came back to read this a second time.

Well back to the top it goes. Hope I'm not meddling, but I do love the Pantoum format and don't see it half as often as I should.
~Allan

Build a man a fire, and he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
~Unknown

[This message has been edited by Allan Riverwood (edited 04-26-2001).]

knightlyshadows
Senior Member

since 2001-04-14

Posts 791
obscured vision

8 posted 2001-04-26 08:26 PM

eek allan u always confuzle me

lol *is blonde* newayz ummmmm yea ive already posted for this so adios:P tiff

“A single choice can build destinies,or destroy them.”

"at the touch of love anyone becomes a poet"

Allan Riverwood

Member Elite

since 2001-01-04

Posts 3502
Winnipeg

9 posted 2001-04-27 12:54 PM

Ah yes, Tiffany... that whole post was an attempt to confuse you...

One has no need to attempt. (oooh

)
Only kidding of course.

Silver Butterfly
Junior Member

since 2001-03-13

Posts 42
Between here and the end

10 posted 2001-04-27 03:14 PM

Thank you Allan, rest assured my error in form will be quickly corrected.

Allan Riverwood

Member Elite

since 2001-01-04

Posts 3502
Winnipeg

11 posted 2001-04-27 05:03 PM

Haha... you make me sound so bossy.

You are most welcome, it's what I do after all. Sorry to dig this back up and suddenly critique it.... I was just trying to help you learn the format correctly is all.

Hope you didn't take it the wrong way. You have a lot of talent, I really would like to see you posting more often in here.

I don't mean to scare you away or anything...
~Allan

Build a man a fire, and he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
~Unknown

Silver Butterfly
Junior Member

since 2001-03-13

Posts 42
Between here and the end

12 posted 2001-05-16 01:39 PM

Scare me away? Ha! It'd never happen.

Acies

Moderator

Member Rara Avis

since 2000-06-07

Posts 7665
Twilight Zone

13 posted 2001-05-23 11:02 AM

Whatever the format is...I lvoed it

"So long as men can breathe or eyes can see,
So long lives this, and this give life to thee." W.S.

xShUgArHiGhx

Member Elite

since 2000-09-26

Posts 3150
tRyIn tO fIt iN2 mY oWn ShoEs

14 posted 2001-05-24 02:47 PM

Very dreamy...i liked it!

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