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fearing-laughter
Senior Member

since 2001-04-24

Posts 605
land of cheese (Wisconsin)

0 posted 2001-04-24 12:44 PM

i lurk in the shadows of the dark night,
i am a creature who evokes the emotions of fright.
i once was alive, but now am dead,
living in this world with the need to be fed
the blood,
the blood which gives me life.
in this world of cold creatures of the night.
i prey on any human within my sight.
i feel my lips widen into a humorless smile as their soul take flight.
into heaven, the place i shall never go.
for jesus christ doesn't take pity upon
the evil creatures who hide from the light.

any help would be appreciated! :-)

Lyss

Allan Riverwood

Member Elite

since 2001-01-04

Posts 3502
Winnipeg

1 posted 2001-04-24 02:17 AM

Ok, help appreciated... let me see what I can do for you.

"i lurk in the shadows of the dark night,
i am a creature who evokes the emotions of fright."

This line first got me thinking on meter.  Not a lot of poets these days are too aware of meter, it's tough to describe well and I really wish I just had an easy link to a site.
Well meter is the organization of accented and unaccented syllables.  For example, your line here -

"i lurk in the shadows of the dark night,"

When I read this out loud, "I lurk in the shadows" goes "da DA da da DA da" or "I lurk in the shadows."  This kind of form lead my mind to expect something to follow it with "da DA da da DA" to keep with the meter, such as "a cucumber night" (but oh no not that, just a perfect meterful example)

Indeed the rest of the poem seemed fine to me save for the lack of meter, it's very important to look at syllable count, as well as organization of syllables.  One way to do good meter is to just read a poem out loud to yourself and see if you can say it easily without stuttering too much.  This is called flow.

Now the rhyme scheme of the poem is something else I'd like to comment on.
The rhyme scheme.  It was a bit choppy in some places near the end, you had a very good "every other line rhymes" scheme going but you changed it a bit.  Sometimes these changes are good, but sometimes they are bad.  I think this one was not exactly a good idea because it left a lot of words unrhymed, like "go" and "upon."

Just my humble opinion.

Oh and welcome to Passions in Poetry, I hope that you have fun learning to further your talent, reading, replying, and sharing your poetry with all the rest of us.

Oh and check out the Teen Explorer forum, it's great for getting to know us regulars!

Click this link!
~Allan

Build a man a fire, and he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
~Unknown

[This message has been edited by Allan Riverwood (edited 04-24-2001).]

Heavens Tears

Senior Member

since 2001-03-15

Posts 677

2 posted 2001-04-24 08:57 AM

Allan, dont write the poor guy a book.

Anyways, Welcome to Passions. Allan is our resident "advice giver", but dont take anything he says personally. He does offer some good tips though.

*~*Amanda*~*

*If the only place I can live my dreams is in my sleep, then I'll sleep forever!*

SEA

Moderator

Member Seraphic

since 2000-01-18

Posts 22676
with you

3 posted 2001-04-24 09:16 AM

Fearing-Laughter~ Welcome! Please check your e-mail for a special greeting! Happy to have you with us!

SEA

anonymous albert ?

Member Elite

since 2001-03-23

Posts 2979

4 posted 2001-04-24 12:00 PM

WELCOME..!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
hope u like it here..
and keep writing..
its a very good first post..

...?

death is not the greatest loss in life. the greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live. -norman cousins

Fading Away

Member Elite

since 2001-03-14

Posts 3131
Lynchburg, Virginia

5 posted 2001-04-24 08:55 PM

WELCOME TO PASSIONS!
I think this is a pretty good first post.
Looking forward to reading more.
I hope you like it here

Nice job, and again: welcome!

--Marie

subconsciously, i think i can eat so much to make my stomach hurt, instead of my heart.

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

6 posted 2001-04-24 11:08 PM

Welcome to passions!
Nice first post here.
hope you enjoy your stay!

I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

I'm in love with my shadow
I admire it daily

fearing-laughter
Senior Member

since 2001-04-24

Posts 605
land of cheese (Wisconsin)

7 posted 2001-04-24 11:46 PM

hey,
thanks for replying! allan it's okay if you write a "book" lol i NEED help from all you talented poets. i'm pretty new to this whole poetry thing (lika week)i heard about this place called passions thru a friend, and decided to give it a try. rhyming schemes...meter..i see i have A LOT to learn! thanks again 4 the advice! :-)
-fear-

Acies

Moderator

Member Rara Avis

since 2000-06-07

Posts 7665
Twilight Zone

8 posted 2001-04-27 09:45 AM

WELCOME TO PASSIONS!!!

First of all, don't mind Allan

Secondly, thanks for deciding to join us here in Passions for Poetry. Hope you do enjoy reading and sharing as well.

"So long as men can breathe or eyes can see,
So long lives this, and this give life to thee." W.S.

vixengrl04
Member

since 2001-04-26

Posts 495
East Haddam, CT

9 posted 2001-04-27 10:18 AM

Welcome to Passions!!! I like this post. The poem made me think of a vampire! (But maybe thats just my crazy mind going 2 work). Anyways, good job, and can you tell me what the actual subject of this piece is? Hope 2 see more from you.

~*Nikki*~

~*Of all the millions of people in the world, I'm just me.*~

Child of the Stars

Senior Member

since 2000-09-07

Posts 1658
Ann Arbor, MI

10 posted 2001-04-27 03:52 PM

Hiya there! Welcome to Passions...I hope you enjoy it here. We've got lots and lots of insightful people (i.e. Allan) to help with shtuff, so keep that mind open!

I agree with him on the meter deal, it's important in a lot of kinds of poetry....well I hope ya love it heah!

~Carly

"Your joy is your sorrow unmasked. And the self-same well from which your laughter rises was often-times filled with your tears." ~Kahil Gibran

fearing-laughter
Senior Member

since 2001-04-24

Posts 605
land of cheese (Wisconsin)

11 posted 2001-04-27 10:57 PM

thanks for replying again ppl. nikki u guessed the subject. it is about a vampire. i had a weird dream about a vampire sucking my blood lol so i wrote this. c yaz
-fear-

xShUgArHiGhx

Member Elite

since 2000-09-26

Posts 3150
tRyIn tO fIt iN2 mY oWn ShoEs

12 posted 2001-04-29 07:36 PM

WELCOME TO PASSIONS!!!

Very good first post!! Im glad you decided to join us and keep the poems coming..!!

luckyducky_505
Member

since 2001-04-29

Posts 53
Kentucky, USA

13 posted 2001-04-30 04:45 PM

i really enjoyed your poem ...i have dreams that i write about too. Good Job!! I just posted my first post too. Will you please read it and tell me what you think? It'd named " Will i Ever See You Again?"

[This message has been edited by luckyducky_505 (edited 04-30-2001).]

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