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Teen Poetry #4
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Unreal
| Teen Poetry #4 |
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Unreal |
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~sugarpie313~ Member
since 2000-09-14
Posts 375Maine, USA |
Don't you wanna come over? Even for a little while? Don't you wanna come over baby? I can make it worth your while. I know that you still want me I can see it in your eyes, So why don't you stop talking? And telling people all these lies. You tell them that your over me And that the relationship ended, You hoped that although it happened You wished no one was offended. You hoped we could part on good terms And we could still be friends, Or that is what you told everyone Who bugged you until no end. When in fact you still liked me Even though you won't admit it, You said the feelings you had left, When you and me split. Why can't you get over yourself? And just tell me what's the deal? If you like me, then by all means tell me then our friendship wouldn't seem unreal. So don't you wanna come over? Even for a little while? Please come over baby... I can make it worth your while. Why do you do what you do to me baby, You're shaking my confidence you're driving me crazy, You know if I could I'd do anything for you, Please don't ignore me cause you know I adore you... [This message has been edited by ~sugarpie313~ (edited 04-23-2001).] |
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| © Copyright 2001 Valerie - All Rights Reserved | |||
Allan Riverwood
since 2001-01-04
Posts 3502Winnipeg |
What popped into my head Ooh... that Val, if she was talkin' to me I'd be over there in a second! Hmm... seems she had some sort of breakup. This poem reads fine but I see a few points in the flow that could be improved. She should try to make the lines a bit closer together in size than they are. Gee, I hope nobody gets angry at me for saying that.  It's interesting, feelingswise she seems jealous of her own absence. How intriguing. Ooh! And she repeated the first stanza as the last! Nice touch.  Build a man a fire, and he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life. |
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~sugarpie313~ Member
since 2000-09-14
Posts 375Maine, USA |
thanks allan, i'll go back and make a few changes to please you  LOLWhy do you do what you do to me baby, You're shaking my confidence you're driving me crazy, |
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anonymous albert ?
since 2001-03-23
Posts 2979 |
very well done on this one valerie  ..and allan he the real weirdo NOT me  as he always tell peoples  but on the poem once again.. i liked it!! the emotions and how u protrayed it in the poem.. keep writing and wateva u goin thru right now hope things turn out alright 4 u   ...?death is not the greatest loss in life. the greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live. -norman cousins |
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
What on earth would you do to make him come over? Hopefully not something icky....I think we talked about this the other day. ANyway....nicely done. I liked it.  I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust. |
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Fading Away
since 2001-03-14
Posts 3131Lynchburg, Virginia |
Icky? Heh.. I like that word! Nice work, Val. I liked this.. --Marie subconsciously, i think i can eat so much to make my stomach hurt, instead of my heart. |
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Heavens Tears
since 2001-03-15
Posts 677 |
Sounds like a great situation! :please note the sarcasm in my type: Anyways, great poem. There were a few things about the flow and all, but I know when I write, I am more concentrating on my feelings than meter and flow. Keep writing! *~*Amanda*~* |
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