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Teen Poetry #4
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Twilight's Serenade
| Teen Poetry #4 |
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Twilight's Serenade |
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Acies
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-07
Posts 7665Twilight Zone |
Twilight's Serenade Serenaded by stars thru peaceful twilight In dreams alone you dance upon moonlit clouds What moment set amidst this, a tranquil night A Flower’s bow… ‘Tis a gracious ovation endowed Elegance kept in this gentle prance Sways a subtle waltz adrift an emulous crescent-light Amongst the skies gliding, leaving a hypnotic trance A terpsichorean born... Oh, what heavenly beauty in sight This ambience set by such radiant charm A gracious smile donned, curing a lover’s pride Paramount guise in painting bestowing an ivory sight Truly an angel… My immaculate rose of eventide "So long as men can breathe or eyes can see, So long lives this, and this give life to thee." W.S. [This message has been edited by acire (edited 09-27-2001).] [This message has been edited by acire (07-26-2002 11:36 AM).] |
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Isabel Galaxia Senior Member
since 2000-06-18
Posts 733 |
Wow! That's amazing, of course I'm not dissapointed. Good job  Bel |
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
Nope - Not disappointed at all.. This is wonderfully romantic... A fine literary piece it is indeed...  |
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lonely*soul Member
since 2001-04-05
Posts 396east haddam (moodus) ct :) |
not dissapointed in the least bit...i liked it!!! good job hun *KiM* "i once asked my daddy, daddy, are we going to the moon, and he said, we cant get to the moon from where we are" ~ME (hehe this actully happened to me |
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Linc
since 2001-03-07
Posts 552The Backstreet Boy |
Hey, *Hyperventalates* Oh my god I am reading a poem by Acire! *calms down* Okay I can hanndle this...This is a superb poem. I loved it, your a superb poet hope I dont have to wait so long for your next poem *hint hint* until your next poem-- Linc "Once you reach your original goal it seems that the journey was your real accomplishment." |
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DancinQueen
since 2000-07-29
Posts 1092Kokomo,IN,USA |
So this is it huh? Beautiful..I wish I could write like that. I LOVED it...did u catch that? L-O-V-E-D it  Keep writing FOR YOU mmk?? talk to you later babe*dq -=We often get hurt when we trust someone we want them to be instead of who they really are=- |
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Sabriel.s.h.lover Member
since 2001-04-16
Posts 73b.f.e. aka- Hickville |
This was good. I wasn't disapointed t all. Nice job, keep it up. ~Sabriel |
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Poet deVine
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-26
Posts 22612Hurricane Alley |
This is lovely acire. Even though you say you are in a writer's block, you wrote something lilting and entrancing. Good job!!  |
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sweetstuff101 Member
since 2000-07-27
Posts 375OK, USA |
that was AMAZZZZZZZZZZING!!! I luv it! Keep up the awesome work, k?? Luv Always, Priscilla SuMdAy U'll CrY 4 mE bUt I wOn'T cRy 4 U, sUmDaY U'll MiSs Me LiKe I MiSsD U, SuMdAy Ull nEeD mE LiKe I nEeDed U, sUmDaY U'll lUv Me BuT I wOn'T LuV U |
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Suga_Baby Member
since 2000-08-06
Posts 380Maine, USA |
Ooooooh.... I love love LOVE this! It's so be-OOO-tee-ful! |
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Child of the Stars
since 2000-09-07
Posts 1658Ann Arbor, MI |
Go acire!!!!!!! WAHOO!!!!!!!! You know I love everything you write....its so enchanting....You've got a great mind, my friend. Great job bob. ~Carly There is pleasure in poetic pains which only poets know......~Unknown [This message has been edited by Child of the Stars (edited 04-22-2001).] |
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Tamma
since 2000-01-17
Posts 794In His Arms, Harpers Ferry, WV |
AWSOME acire!!! loved it sweetie Those girls on TV don't know that being |
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Alwye
Moderator
Member Elite
since 1999-06-16
Posts 3850In the space between moments |
"This ambience set by such radiant charm A gracious smile donned, curing a lover’s pride Paramount guise in painting bestowing an ivory sight Truly an angel… My immaculate rose of eventide"~ Yep, anyone who uses the word ambience is definitely awesome Incredible poetry, such rich, beautiful words....you have remarkable talent my friend.  *Krista Knutson* |
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Low Man's Lyric Member
since 2001-04-03
Posts 236In a dream |
Wow, I really liked this one from you, thats all I can say...wow. Give her two red roses, each with a note. The first note says "For the woman I love" and the second, "For my best friend." |
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Kit McCallum
Administrator
Member Laureate
since 2000-04-30
Posts 14774Ontario, Canada |
Acire ... it's sooooo wonderful to read you again! What a beautiful flow to this lovely poem. You've set a magical and tranquil mood in this piece, excellent writing my friend ... truly a joy to read aloud. Best wishes, /Kit |
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Acies
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-07
Posts 7665Twilight Zone |
Thanks all of you, that's really nice. "So long as men can breathe or eyes can see, |
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
*squints his eyes.....realizes he's replying and unsquints them* yea....that was great. If only I could have understood what it said haha!! Took a while to read, but it was good!  I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust. |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Rude? I get to be rude? YAY! Breaking out of polite mode.... heh warning - this rambles... nice word usage here...perhaps you could leave out 'terpsichorean' - although a cool word it's not very accessible is it? I know references to myths are always nice...and sometimes work really really well (now that I know it has something to do with a myth heh) but I think that unless it's made really clear it can just confound. Hmm..I'd recommend spelling 'thru' as 'through' - such a nicely constructed poem deserves 'proper' spelling methinks.. Now the main problem I see in this Acies (heh) is your use of cliche. 'Moonlit clouds', 'tranquil night' even the word 'angel'... Cliches and K don't mix heh... I love crescent-light..that is really good.. Also I think there are too many adjectives. For instance - in the first line instead of 'peaceful twilight' you could just have 'twilight'...the poem itself speaks of tranquility and peace... no need to use the actual words - by omitting them the reader gets to find the images themselves... A 'flower's bow' is really nice...and: '‘Tis a gracious ovation endowed' Here, I'd cut out the "'Tis" .. 'Elegance kept in this gentle prance' - do you think this really needs the 'this'? Say it aloud... Now, back to adjectives... I think if you dropped a few - some of the really wonderful ones would stand out more... it really is overloaded So, for example - your last line: 'My immaculate rose of eventide' would just have more impact if your last verse read something like this: An ambience set by radiant charm a smile donned, curing a lover’s pride. Paramount guise in painting lending an ivory sight, my immaculate rose of eventide the tone is just a little less flamboyant...and almost easier on the eye (ear?) I think it is quite a nice last line... Right...punctuation. What are you doing with it? You have three nicely laid out verses...a couple of commas, a few ellipses and then no periods...and lots of lines starting with initial caps seemingly in a random order. I'd suggest shoving in a few periods and fitting your initial caps in with those (like I did in the example above) Ok...this is it..rambling..sorry..I'm tired but you know that lol... one hopefully not-rude crit for Acies...  K |
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Acies
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-07
Posts 7665Twilight Zone |
not rude at all Kamie, remember, I asked you to tear it apart. thanks you the best"So long as men can breathe or eyes can see, |
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Godsend_1 Member
since 2001-04-19
Posts 247great state of illinois |
ok ummm wow would be an awesome word to use here you have an incredible talent hun *does the acire is an awesome poet dance* i cant wait to read more of your poems hun i loved this one thnax for letting me read it ben i am what i am and that is all that i am and all that i shall ever be......so deal with it |
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Allan Riverwood
since 2001-01-04
Posts 3502Winnipeg |
What can I say? The trout's got talent. Great poem, but I do agree with K on most counts. Personally, I didn't think you had too many adjectives...[This message has been edited by Allan Riverwood (edited 04-23-2001).] |
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Fading Away
since 2001-03-14
Posts 3131Lynchburg, Virginia |
This is beautiful, acire. Tuly a beautiful piece! I'm very impressed... This is going in my library! Nicely done! --Marie subconsciously, i think i can eat so much to make my stomach hurt, instead of my heart. |
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Acies
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-07
Posts 7665Twilight Zone |
Ok, why all the adjectives? The poem is about describing how beautiful this girl is and describing the way she dances. That's why "So long as men can breathe or eyes can see, |
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anonymous albert ?
since 2001-03-23
Posts 2979 |
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!!! this is my first time seein a poem from u i'm glad someone brought this up... beautiful poem... i jus wish u would post more poems avaible.. welll..this was jus awesome.. i enjoyed it lots.. until next time and acire write jus WRITE.. hehe..byee   ...?death is not the greatest loss in life. the greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live. -norman cousins |
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LoveBug
Moderator
Member Elite
since 2000-01-08
Posts 4697 |
Here I am, late!  Well, this is a beautiful piece. The flow is very good and your descriptions and word usage are extremely impressive. You depict everything beautifully, and nothing you write is a disappointment! Thanks for sharing.  "Men judge generally more by the eye than by the hand, for everyone can see and few can feel."-Machiavelli |
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Kandi Member
since 2000-06-14
Posts 354North of Hell |
wow....im in awe...this is soooo beautiful acire...if anyone wrote something 1/2 this sweet for me, I'd marry them then and there lol....GREAT job! you could never disappoint us! ~K~ "Make your life like toiletpaper - long and useful." |
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Nicole Senior Member
since 1999-06-23
Posts 1835Florida |
The only real serious gripe I have, is the font type and color. I like to let my eyes "fall" naturally through a poem, and this one was just really hard for me to read (shaddup - I'm getting old, and the eyes aren't as good as they used to be!) I spent more time trying to read, than just enjoying it. Yanno?So - that out of the way... The last two lines, particularly, grab hold - and just won't let go. Something to be whispered. Sweet, tranquil, and romantic - just lovely. |
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Acies
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-07
Posts 7665Twilight Zone |
Thanks for the kind words peeps "So long as men can breathe or eyes can see, |
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Dark Angel Member Patricius
since 1999-08-04
Posts 10095 |
Howdy Acire I enjoyed reading your poem, had a real peaceful feel to it. On what Kamla said..... yup I agree. too many cliche's, which I know is difficult not to use, for I've used them and sometimes they automatically arise still. which annoys me actually. They just don't want to go away hehe. I also agree with "thru" being spelt the correct way. dropping out the words which K suggested I think also is a great idea. especially in the first line.. "Serenaded by stars thru peaceful twilight" the removal of "peaceful" will definitely enhance it. and the 15th line...."This ambience set by such radiant charm" i'd removve the "such" I love the lines... A Flower’s bow Amongst the skies gliding My immaculate rose of eventide A lovely poem Acire and not dissapointed at all enjoyed it Maree |
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anonymous albert ?
since 2001-03-23
Posts 2979 |
this needs to be on page one.. but...check it out acire's poem  hehe..yea..its a great poem.. ...?if i die before i wake , i pray the lord my soul will take-"when thugs cry" |
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stace_co2003 Member
since 2001-03-30
Posts 497In a dream world |
well, well, well, lol. it was really good *gives two thumbs up* but there were parts I didn't understand. you use big words...yeah..and I dont have THAT big of a vocabulary. I am VERY late with this, but I dun care. I liked it!! *s* Stace |
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Ceinwyn Member Elite
since 2000-07-09
Posts 2175VA |
Music to my soul!! Oh my god!!! That was so beautiful, I'm glad I read it =) for a second I forgot where I was..honestly =) Tmd, Kristen "Let me be the one you call, if you jump I'll break your fall, lift you up and fly away with you into the night" ~Crash and Burn~ |
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thedarkangel Member
since 2001-05-12
Posts 74~*~the cutest~*~ |
that's gorgeous... i love it.. i have that tacked on my wall now!!! fantastic writing. love, peace and eyeliner angel -x- Each Moment in time is a pinprick in eternity-Marcus Aurilius |
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Acies
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-07
Posts 7665Twilight Zone |
Thanks for the beautiful compliments people "So long as men can breathe or eyes can see, |
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knightlyshadows Senior Member
since 2001-04-14
Posts 791obscured vision |
okays im wonderin how i missed this the first time!!!! i loved this acire. it was just ......great,for a lack of words. another of urs in my library!tiff  “A single choice can build destinies,or destroy them.” |
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stace_co2003 Member
since 2001-03-30
Posts 497In a dream world |
I'm definatly not disappointed but you use some big words man....terpsichorean....what in the world?? oh well, I'll look it up later. but I love it!  Stace (yes, I know I posted on here twice, but I dunno, I guess it just deserves a second reply) I'm just glad that now this rainstorm has ended, and I can see the rainbow once again. [This message has been edited by stace_co2003 (edited 05-30-2001).] |
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Meggie1986 Junior Member
since 2001-05-22
Posts 41California |
Disapointed? Goodness, that was amazing! Absoultly stunning! Thanks for a beautiful poem! *One meets his destiny often in the road he takes to avoid it. |
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cherish Senior Member
since 2001-03-25
Posts 1639swimming in fairy floss........... |
ok...*gets up from the floor cuz shes been knocked away* wowowow...........i cant really say AGPFAGP..cuz this is like the first thing ive read of yours....omg acire this is totally awe-inspiring stuff!!...hahha...i gotta say that i totally needed to consult a dictionary while i was reading it...wow..you have such an eloquent vocabulary...and whats even more amazing is that youre able to use it to your advantage....well done on this one tuna salad boy ...more says i !!!...and no...i dont think anyone here was dissapointed dude...i certainly wasnt.. ...
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xShUgArHiGhx
since 2000-09-26
Posts 3150tRyIn tO fIt iN2 mY oWn ShoEs |
This was beautiful!!! I was blwon away...and you were worrying about dissapointing us...jeez!!! I dont think that was possible!! Simply amazing! |
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SEA
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 2000-01-18
Posts 22676with you |
WOW! This rocks....I mean, it's beautiful |
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chasing rain Senior Member
since 2001-05-15
Posts 737Canada |
Wowie... WOWIE!!! Wowie. Talk about vocab, eh? you study the dictionary or something? lol, sure you do. I thought this piece had really nice flow to it. Loved the vocab and the imagery was awesome! Keep it up Acire... -Leah I heard a funny quote once...*scratches head* |
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obscurity of cloud Member
since 2001-05-11
Posts 294....:::::******:::::.... |
This has such great imagery, but i agree that some of the adjectives are a little unnecessary. I really love the ephereal tone of this poem; it creates what it describes. I did not like the "thru" instead of "through"--i felt like a McDonalds drive-thru for a second instead of tranquil clouds. Otherwise, your use of language and diction is fantastic. Wonderful work. "so when at times the mob is swayed to carry praise or blame too far, we may choose something like a star" --Frost |
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Spice Senior Member
since 2001-04-13
Posts 1266Resting in my cardboard box. |
Am I a bit late? Oh too bad- suck it up. I've read this many times in the last month and it was pointed out ot me that I hadn't replied. SOOoo- Here I am! *Bends to the floor and kisses your feet* I absolutely LOVED this write. In fact, I think you should repost it in Teen 5 so more people can see it, or see it again. I thought it was done SO beautifully. And I agree with you, the adjectives are there to DESCRIBE... So by god there should be ALOT! I fell madly inlove with this line. "A Flower’s bow…" It caught my eye and I thought it was absolutely PERFECT. You are truely a magnificent writer. You need to post more, dammit! [This message has been edited by Spice (edited 08-02-2001).] |
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Jenn Cirrincione
since 2000-07-02
Posts 2107Fl |
Well done here B! I liked it muches, very pretty piece. However I agree with Dopey, it was hard for my poor lil eyes to make out!! So sorry I missed this one before!Jenn "In the words of a broken heart, it's just emotion taking me over; you'll never see me fall apart, in the words of a broken heart." |
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lone_poet707 Member
since 2001-11-17
Posts 70black hole named Aylmer |
Acire...how could ne1 be disappointed with this...or any of your poetry? this is excellent! ur at the top of my list ;] |
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