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Teen Poetry #4
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Shattered Life
| Teen Poetry #4 |
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Shattered Life |
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AngelPoet87 Member
since 2001-04-21
Posts 280Indy |
Hey, I'de love some feedback on this one, thanks alot, hope you enjoy!! The echo remains of the slamming door, my life in pieces resides on the floor. Memories scattered on the table top, I clean up the tears with bucket and mop. Pictures and letters ripped up on my bed, as your bland good-bye repeats in my head. Now I am left here alone by myself, with all my emotions tossed up on the shelf. Lonely and depressed I sit and I cry, without you with me I just want to die. ~ali 2Good +2Be ------ 4Gotten [This message has been edited by AngelPoet87 (edited 04-21-2001).] |
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| © Copyright 2001 Alicia Morris - All Rights Reserved | |||
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MindlessPoet Member
since 2001-04-20
Posts 106Texas |
that was a sad poem... but very well written. I hoe to see you aroun here often  *TiMMYBoY* |
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Fading Away
since 2001-03-14
Posts 3131Lynchburg, Virginia |
Welcome to Passions! This is such a sad poem. "Lonely and depressed I sit and I cry, without you with me I just want to die." I hope you're not thinking about doing anything destructive. *hugs* And I hope things get better. You can email me if you need someone to talk to. That's what's so great about Passions, you can talk to anyone here if you need to. Nicely done. --Marie subconsciously, i think i can eat so much to make my stomach hurt, instead of my heart. |
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AngelPoet87 Member
since 2001-04-21
Posts 280Indy |
Thank you both for replying, and thank you Marie for the love and support. Actually this poem was written last year so have no worries about me, I'm doing great, and thanks again for the support, I think I've finally found a site I can be comfortable at, thanks again. ~ ali 2Good |
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Allan Riverwood
since 2001-01-04
Posts 3502Winnipeg |
Feedback you say? *cracks his knuckles* I'll give it a shot. "The echo remains of the slamming door, my life in pieces remains on the floor." Repitition of "remains" is something to be looked at, otherwise this is a good stanza that has a perfect flow. "Memories scattered on the table top, I clean up the tears with bucket and mop." When I read this through, my mind automatically filled in the last line as "with a bucket and mop." I didn't realize until my second time around that it wasn't even here, I think it's healthier for the flow. "Pictures and letters ripped up on my bed, as your bland good-bye repeats in my head." The third line of this read ackwardly for me, the flow seemed to dictate that it would be (as far as accentuizations are concerned) "as YOUR bland good BYE." This didn't seem right, I think "bland" is meant to be an accented word. Maybe rewrite this one line a bit to fit the flow more appropriately. "Now I am left here alone by myself, with my emotions tossed up on the shelf." Line three needs another syllable. (maybe something like "all?") Otherwise this one is flawless as well. "Lonely and depressed I sit and I cry, without you with me I just want to die." This stanza didn't have any points of improvement that I could see, it is a perfect conclusion to this poem. Well there you have it, my feedback. Sorry to have gone into such detail, don't get me wrong at all because I love the poem, I'm just giving you a few pointers that I could see.  Welcome to Passions in Poetry! I look forward to seeing you post and reply more in here. ~Allan Build a man a fire, and he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life. |
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AngelPoet87 Member
since 2001-04-21
Posts 280Indy |
Thanks tons for all the advice, I went back and edited it and I hope it flows better now. I'm still having problems changing the first stanza tho, because I'm not quite sure what word to use to replace one of the "remains". Any suggestions? ~ali 2Good |
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Allan Riverwood
since 2001-01-04
Posts 3502Winnipeg |
The second remain could be... resides? Hmm... that's what I'd use personally. There are others though, maybe check out http://www.thesaurus.com and see what they give you for "remain" or "lay." Any word that goes da-DA in syllable tense (like re-MAIN) would be effective in the flow. Other than that, no worries about the advice. I get so excited when people wish to discuss poetry technically.  Talk to you later. ~Allan Build a man a fire, and he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life. |
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AngelPoet87 Member
since 2001-04-21
Posts 280Indy |
haha, so you like getting technical, ay? well you should have a blast with my work, lol. thanks everyone, ~ali 2Good |
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Panne447 Member
since 2001-04-03
Posts 196S.A. TX |
Alicia, I have seen this before and I believe it has been rewritten and I think this is great as is - oops I was readin it with the 2 remains and you changed it that quick - I disagree with Alan tho on the 'a' bucket/mop line - you had 5 syllables in each line and they sounded perfect to me silently and when read aloud now IMHO it is awkward with the 'a'. same with the goodbye line - bland was cool I have had bland goodbyes so it made perfect sense to me- and scanned properly - if you choose to delet bland then find another 1 syl word to replace it but keep the same amount of syls in that line - I read the stresses and they sounded great to me. Agn IMHO. I love the lines "with all my emotions tossed up on the shelf" I think you did a superb job on this - and I believe one - if not- the best I have seen from you. Good job. And welcome aboard. Panne |
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AngelPoet87 Member
since 2001-04-21
Posts 280Indy |
Hey Panne, great to see you in here. Well after thinking about it I figured I should go back and take out the "a" and put in the "bland", if not only out of respect for those who first helped me with this poem at Allpoets (which you were right, you have read it before). Oh, and about the "with emotions tossed up on the shelf" line, you should like it, you were the one who helped me fix that line in the original posting. LOL. anyway, hope to see you around. ~ali 2Good |
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Allan Riverwood
since 2001-01-04
Posts 3502Winnipeg |
I was misunderstood on the word "bland," what I meant was the word itself could be replaced by something that is less accented. Having to accent the word was ackward for the flow for me, but it was better it than nothing at all. I thought maybe you could find an easier word. It's your poem, I was just giving opinion. [This message has been edited by Allan Riverwood (edited 04-21-2001).] |
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AngelPoet87 Member
since 2001-04-21
Posts 280Indy |
NO NO NO!! don't take it like that, allan!! I take your opinion with respect and gratitude and I thank you for helping! I posted this a long time ago on a different site (which crashed) and the people there (one of which was Panne) helped mold that poem. I just wanted to see if you guys had any way of making it better (which you did, thanks)! So please don't think I don't appreciate all the help, and I hope you'll still be willing to share your opinion in the future. Thanks. ~ali 2Good |
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Allan Riverwood
since 2001-01-04
Posts 3502Winnipeg |
Sorry if I seemed like I was taking it wrong, I understand completely. And of course I'll add my two cents on all your other works, I'm one of the omni-repliers here.~Allan Build a man a fire, and he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life. |
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Angel Bee Member
since 2001-01-30
Posts 176Virginia |
Welcome to passions. hope you like it here. good piece, i enjoyed it. keep writing. ~ab~ *~Sometimes just holding hands is holding on to everything.~* |
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anonymous albert ?
since 2001-03-23
Posts 2979 |
sup wit all the drama!!  but...yea great first post and WELCOME TO PASSIONS..  also a word of advice from..me albert i tell u this from experience... u should avoid the presence of allan hes KRAZY in so many ways... but u say  he seems like a nice guy?trust me he is  k? bye......keep writing  ...?death is not the greatest loss in life. the greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live. -norman cousins [This message has been edited by anonymous albert ? (edited 04-21-2001).] |
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Linc
since 2001-03-07
Posts 552The Backstreet Boy |
Hey, Yet again I am....This is usualy where I would say "Welcome to Passions" but twice today I have read to superb poems by two superb poets and you are the second and I am just I dont know what I am just. This poem is really well-written I hope you continue to post for an extreamly long time. Until your next poem (Oh and by the way incase you are wondering your now in my library) -- Linc "Once you reach your original goal it seems that the journey was your real accomplishment." |
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Kicking Kim Member
since 2001-04-16
Posts 426Cloud Cucko Land! |
This was brilliant I thoroughley enjoyed it. You captured sadness, regret perhaps? and sorrow! It was an amazing post and I hope to see more of your work soon! ^*~Kicking Kim~*^ "Theres no posession, just obsession and growing depression" |
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
I thought this was written just fine. Allan does his best to make sure you understand the meter business and formats and the like, but they are only suggestions. No need to change the poem in any way. You do it for your benefit.... Very well done too, and welcome to Passions!  I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust. |
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knightlyshadows Senior Member
since 2001-04-14
Posts 791obscured vision |
eek *hides from all the technical talk that is way over her head* i liked this muchs and im addin u to my library too lol!!!!! tiff  “A single choice can build destinies,or destroy them.” |
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xShUgArHiGhx
since 2000-09-26
Posts 3150tRyIn tO fIt iN2 mY oWn ShoEs |
WELCOME TO PASSIONS!!!!!!!! I really liked this piece!!! "Lonely and depressed I sit and I cry, without you with me I just want to die." Excellently expressed! Very good job and i cant wait to see more from you so PLEASE keep em coming! |
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Acies
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-07
Posts 7665Twilight Zone |
WELCOME TO PASSIONS!!! it's nice to have you join us here in Passions for Poetry. Hope you enjoy. I do appreciate your sharing your poem for it was really an exceptional read. I do hope to see more of yur work soon. Thanks for sharing and pls check you email "So long as men can breathe or eyes can see, |
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Elvenblood Member
since 2001-02-17
Posts 409Maine, USA |
Aww that so sad!! I hate to repeat everyone (actualy I have no problem with it at all apparently ;-)) Anyway, GREAT work! It's going into my library! No angels in heaven nor demons below the sea, could ever dissever my soul from the soul of the beautiful Annabel Lee |
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kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore |
welcome to passions! i thought this was a fine read, simply written but with great imagery and am looking forward to reading more of your work. oh, i came from allpoets.com too.  nice to meet another old friend |
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Pixie-Babe03 Member
since 2000-08-29
Posts 387Central Maine |
First of all, welcome to passins, it is really a great site... i just have writers block so i dont; post here much anymore... This poem is very emotional, i hope you are doing a lot better from the time you wrote it. it is so sad. but it is also very well written. Great work and i hope to see a lot more soon!! ~*Pixie-Babe*~ -=Love starts with a SMILE, grows with a KISS, and ends with a TEAR=- |
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vixengrl04 Member
since 2001-04-26
Posts 495East Haddam, CT |
I really really like this poem. It's sad, but some of the best written poems that I have ever read are sad just because it's probably easier to express sad emotions that happy ones. But anyway good luck with everything and I really hope to read more from you. ~*Nikki*~ ~*Of all the millions of people in the world, I'm just me.*~ |
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anonymous albert ?
since 2001-03-23
Posts 2979 |
*bump*page one i liked this poem as i did in the first.. ...?if i die before i wake , i pray the lord my soul will take-"when thugs cry" |
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Child of the Stars
since 2000-09-07
Posts 1658Ann Arbor, MI |
Ahhh I've missed a welcome!!! noo!!! Hi! Welcome to passions. I hope you love it heah!!! ~Carly "Your joy is your sorrow unmasked. And the self-same well from which your laughter rises was often-times filled with your tears." ~Kahil Gibran |
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anonymous albert ?
since 2001-03-23
Posts 2979 |
its kinda late now...carly ...?if i die before i wake , i pray the lord my soul will take-"when thugs cry" |
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