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Marshalzu

Member Elite

since 2001-02-15

Posts 2681
Lurking

0 posted 2001-04-16 04:49 PM

Beautiful girl.

A delicate fragrance drifts into the room,
Her very beauty transforms the hanging gloom,

A gentle breeze she glides across the floor,
Inspiration, like nothing felt before,

A fleeting glance that sinks deep into my eyes,
A unearthly silence penetrated by their sighs,

Shameful thoughts I turn and look away,
The things I should but cannot even say,

A wonderful grace without pretencious airs,
The way she looks and brushes off my stares,

A golden glory draped in cascading light,
Can she forgive me, I pray and hope she might.

Rhyming couplets are something I haven't really used at all so if you have any suggestions as to where I might improve upon my use... feel free to say so.
<<_ Andrew _>>

" No Army can conquer a galaxy, yet faith alone can overturn the universe."

E-mail/Msn: [email protected]

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

1 posted 2001-04-16 06:23 PM

Great job here. I like the couplet format. I also liked the poem in itself. very well done and good luck with you.

I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

I'm in love with my shadow
I admire it daily

Fading Away

Member Elite

since 2001-03-14

Posts 3131
Lynchburg, Virginia

2 posted 2001-04-16 08:00 PM

Very nice job. I really like the couplets. Couplet format is something I really enjoy reading but never have tried. You did a great job.

--Marie

subconsciously, i think i can eat so much to make my stomach hurt, instead of my heart.

Linc

Senior Member

since 2001-03-07

Posts 552
The Backstreet Boy

3 posted 2001-04-16 08:20 PM

Hey,

This was wonderful, I loved it. This is the second one of yours today thats going into my library. Until your next masterpice

-- Linc

"Once you reach your original goal it seems that the journey was your real accomplishment."

Linc

Senior Member

since 2001-03-07

Posts 552
The Backstreet Boy

4 posted 2001-04-16 08:21 PM

Hey,

This was wonderful, I loved it. This is the second one of yours today thats going into my library. Until your next masterpice

-- Linc

"Once you reach your original goal it seems that the journey was your real accomplishment."

banburycross
Senior Member

since 2001-03-27

Posts 946
viginia

5 posted 2001-04-17 12:56 PM

I really liked the format in this one. the use of the couplets really made the piece more powerful and profound. excellent job, keep posting your work.

Sometimes, the things that go unsaid are the only things worth hearing.

Acies

Moderator

Member Rara Avis

since 2000-06-07

Posts 7665
Twilight Zone

6 posted 2001-05-17 08:32 PM

~*stands up and applauds*~
I am so glad I am going thru the old poems that I haven't replied to. I would have missed this. Simply PERFECT
~*applauds*~

"So long as men can breathe or eyes can see,
So long lives this, and this give life to thee." W.S.

Acies

Moderator

Member Rara Avis

since 2000-06-07

Posts 7665
Twilight Zone

7 posted 2001-05-17 08:34 PM

I'm sorry, but I have to reply to this again to put it in my library.

I am in awe on how good this poem is

"So long as men can breathe or eyes can see,
So long lives this, and this give life to thee." W.S.

Acies

Moderator

Member Rara Avis

since 2000-06-07

Posts 7665
Twilight Zone

8 posted 2001-05-17 08:35 PM

Sorry, I forgot to put it in my library again

Allan Riverwood

Member Elite

since 2001-01-04

Posts 3502
Winnipeg

9 posted 2001-05-18 12:12 PM

Odd, I didn't like this one very much at all... I think couplets aren't as creative as you are capable of doing. And the wording seemed a bit overdone.
But hey, don't ask me.

~Allan

Build a man a fire, and he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
~Unknown

HeAvEnS AnGeL
Member

since 2001-05-17

Posts 168
The Hot Girl From Canada

10 posted 2001-05-18 12:51 PM

I loved it!
beautiful format
couplet really works for you
maybe you should try it more often?
good luck

HeAvEnS AnGeL
Member

since 2001-05-17

Posts 168
The Hot Girl From Canada

11 posted 2001-05-18 12:51 PM

I loved it!
beautiful format
couplet really works for you
maybe you should try it more often?
good luck

anonymous albert ?

Member Elite

since 2001-03-23

Posts 2979

12 posted 2001-05-18 01:31 AM

Zu-this was a powerful and beautiful piece...great poem...i enjoyed this read...keep writing marsha

...

...?

if i die before i wake , i pray the lord my soul will take-"when thugs cry"

Sabriel.s.h.lover
Member

since 2001-04-16

Posts 73
b.f.e. aka- Hickville

13 posted 2001-05-18 05:46 PM

i really liked this one. keep it up andrew
*S*

Sabriel~

So many books, so little time
She and I are nothing alike, your confusing day with night.~Dream~girlband

Severn
Member Rara Avis

since 1999-07-17

Posts 7704

14 posted 2001-05-18 06:54 PM

A friend pointed this out...and it is quite nice...glad to have the read..

K

SEA

Moderator

Member Seraphic

since 2000-01-18

Posts 22676
with you

15 posted 2001-05-18 06:58 PM

this is really great

ShortSexyAngel777
New Member

since 2001-05-17

Posts 9
Louisiana, USA

16 posted 2001-05-18 07:06 PM

very nice, you have a wide vocabulary that really makes it a very good mental image in the mind. well done!

Acies

Moderator

Member Rara Avis

since 2000-06-07

Posts 7665
Twilight Zone

17 posted 2001-06-04 01:00 AM

I think this deserves to be read by others

I'm so sorry for doubting you Kit ... please forgive me!!!!

cherish
Senior Member

since 2001-03-25

Posts 1639
swimming in fairy floss...........

18 posted 2001-06-04 01:04 AM

awwwwwwwwww this was sweet andrew...really really lovely old chap..

...i enjoyed the read a lot!!..you always write beautifully...good job on this one as usual..agpfagp!!!

..im surprised stace hasnt gotten to this one already..

LCsftball16
Junior Member

since 2001-05-17

Posts 39

19 posted 2001-06-05 12:24 PM

wow! i'm astounded! seriously i really loved this poem!

Marshalzu

Member Elite

since 2001-02-15

Posts 2681
Lurking

20 posted 2001-06-05 04:09 AM

Thanks for all the replies...

xShUgArHiGhx

Member Elite

since 2000-09-26

Posts 3150
tRyIn tO fIt iN2 mY oWn ShoEs

21 posted 2001-06-05 09:18 AM

This was such an excellent poem!!! I enjoyed it

LoneWolf
Member

since 2001-03-10

Posts 384
IL

22 posted 2001-06-05 12:28 PM

Wow, this is great. i liked it a lot. thanks for the read

It's too bad I'm not as wonderful a person as people say I am, because the world could use a few people like that.
I've learned that even when you th

Chel
Senior Member

since 2000-07-01

Posts 511
Baltimore, MD, USA

23 posted 2001-06-05 01:08 PM

Hey there,
Great piece, I really liked it. Keep up the great work.

Chel

"True friends stab you in the front."
"You are special and unique in your own way." "Always remember compliments you received; forget about the rude

fractal007
Senior Member

since 2000-06-01

Posts 1958

24 posted 2001-06-05 01:32 PM

Good job on this poem. I like the imagery here, especially your personifications of her air and actions.

I think you did a good job rhyming here as well. I personally would have had the syllables more in match, and even given it meter. But on the whole this was a very well done poem.

"If history is to change, let it change. If the world is to be destroyed, so be it. If my fate is to die, I must simply laugh"

-- Magus

stace_co2003
Member

since 2001-03-30

Posts 497
In a dream world

25 posted 2001-06-08 09:56 PM

I just saw this today, and to be completely and totally 100% honest with you, it took my breath away. Zu, you are very talented and i hope to read more of your work in the near future.

I'm just glad that now this rainstorm has ended, and I can see the rainbow once again.

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