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Teen Poetry #4
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Attack of the Porcelain Doll
| Teen Poetry #4 |
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Attack of the Porcelain Doll |
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Dana Samples Member
since 2001-04-07
Posts 68 |
"Attack of the Porcelain Doll" Her eyes shine so blue, the dress looks so new, there’s even a bow in her hair... her face: so guilt-free, but how can that be, when she makes you feel so bare? She's bought to look nice, not knowing the price, that lies ahead of you... mind-filled apprehension, overflowing with tension, your mentality cant breakthrough… you're frozen with fright; she's starting to bite away at your pale, fleshy shell… she then grabs your soul; you're no longer whole, all because of the doll from hell. By: Dana Samples 3-31-01 (Edited by Carly Van Dort 4-5-01) [This message has been edited by Dana Samples (edited 04-08-2001).] |
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| © Copyright 2001 Dana Samples - All Rights Reserved | |||
Child of the Stars
since 2000-09-07
Posts 1658Ann Arbor, MI |
DUDE!!!!!!!!!!! MY NAME!!!!!!!! DUDE!!! hehe, thanks girlio! And...YOU ARE DA BOMB!!!!!!!!!! yep yep yep yep. ~Carly NOTE TO SELF: Live to love and love to live. |
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Allan Riverwood
since 2001-01-04
Posts 3502Winnipeg |
Great job on this one... I like the format. Although I'd have to say that the rhyme of "you" and "move" isn't quite a rhyme. Work a bit harder to make these rhymes all accurate, and you'll create a better poem overall. One tool to look at when you really are stumped is this page right here. Check this out.  ~Allan The sun was born, so it shall die. ~VNV Nation, "Further" [This message has been edited by Allan Riverwood (edited 04-07-2001).] |
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anonymous albert ?
since 2001-03-23
Posts 2979 |
rym no rym its all good but if u consider it it'll make a better poem... and carly calm down gurl hehe but don't get me wrong the poem was good. |
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Fading Away
since 2001-03-14
Posts 3131Lynchburg, Virginia |
Carly, have you been taking the cough syrup again? Nice job on the poem. I think you should take Allan's advice on the rhyming. That can change the flow of the poem. But good job. --Marie "Hope is a thing with feathers that perches in the soul." --emily Dickinson |
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
Nicely done here. I enjoyed this poem a lot and I see you're a friend of carly's....well then you're automatically my friend. Great poem!  I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust. |
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Linc
since 2001-03-07
Posts 552The Backstreet Boy |
Hey, Great poem, on the site allan gave I will have to check that out I have been using http://www.rhymezone.com/ Well good poem keep it up and until your next -- Linc "Once you reach your original goal it seems that the journey was your real accomplishment." |
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Allan Riverwood
since 2001-01-04
Posts 3502Winnipeg |
Good job! I like the edit a thousand times more. Very cool job, it looks great. ~Allan The sun was born, so it shall die. ~VNV Nation, "Further" |
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banburycross Senior Member
since 2001-03-27
Posts 946viginia |
Great poem!! i didn't get a chance to see the un edited version, but i thought that this was truly beautiful work. keep writing and posting. Sometimes, the things that go unsaid are the only things worth hearing. |
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