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untitled poem
| Teen Poetry #4 |
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untitled poem |
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anonymous albert ?
since 2001-03-23
Posts 2979 |
deep down you can see as you close your eyes to believe that your minds are already been free but soon as you open your eyes they are in decieve because reality hits you as all you can see is lies that turns eyes into cries . this the second version tell me if its better or i'll change the whole poem  [This message has been edited by anonymous albert ? (edited 04-02-2001).] |
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| © Copyright 2001 ALBY - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Child of the Stars
since 2000-09-07
Posts 1658Ann Arbor, MI |
Hmm...short and sweet, very nice, albert... ~Carly Many miles behind my eyelashes, there always seems to be |
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Fading Away
since 2001-03-14
Posts 3131Lynchburg, Virginia |
I enjoyed reading this, Albert, but I have one suggestion. The rhyme scheme seems awkward to me.. kind of scattered. If you wanted to keep every other line rhyming like you did in the 1st and 3rd lines, then keep it that way throughout the poem. The way you changed it so that the last 3 lines were rhyming messed up the flow a little bit. That's my 2 cents. Nice job. --Marie It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives. |
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anonymous albert ?
since 2001-03-23
Posts 2979 |
k thanks 4 ur replys and i knoe the poems that i post mostly lack somewhere in the poems thats y i post the insecure ones 2 knoe what u guys think of them and i apprecitae the responses i'll be lookin more forward 2 ur poems thanks i never seem 2 revise the poems i write in a short time do u guys revise?[This message has been edited by anonymous albert ? (edited 04-02-2001).] |
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Allan Riverwood
since 2001-01-04
Posts 3502Winnipeg |
I revise... I think it's one of the functions of the Passions in Poetry forum, to see what could possibly be better about our poetry. Although mine's usually absolutely perfect already.  I think Marie is right though... the rhyme scheme was a bit iffy. Maybe work on that... if not in this poem, keep that in mind. ~Allan The sun was born, so it shall die. ~VNV Nation, "Further" |
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anonymous albert ?
since 2001-03-23
Posts 2979 |
hey guys i considered ur opions and i kinda changed the ryms tell me what u think?and allan i usually like writing in free verse and the poems i do write the good one r also perfect in a way but noone truly in their truest hearts r perfect sumtimes u write poems that r good and sumtimes u don't not all poets r perfect but only seeking that perfection i do like ur poems though don't get me wrong... [This message has been edited by anonymous albert ? (edited 04-02-2001).] |
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banburycross Senior Member
since 2001-03-27
Posts 946viginia |
I think the revised version is better and i think that the concept is good so you shouldn't give up on this. i thought the poem was good Sometimes, the things that go unsaid are the only things worth hearing. |
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
It seems like you're changing your poems to match OUR preferences. That's not the point of our comments.....we don't want you to change the whole poem and so on.......we just like to see you get better as you go along. In my eyes, changing the poem alters what you ogriginally thought, and thus contradicts the whole point of writing the poem in the first place. Anyhow, I thought it was ok, not your best.  I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust. |
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anonymous albert ?
since 2001-03-23
Posts 2979 |
yup... i totally agree wit that statement but thats not y i changed it and the poem was written in 2 versions and thats all i didn't jus knoe which one others will prefer... u knoe but thanks 4 ur reply [This message has been edited by anonymous albert ? (edited 04-04-2001).] |
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Acies
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-07
Posts 7665Twilight Zone |
Well, i have no problem with the poem itself. But i do understand what Dopey is trying to say. keep it up anyways "So long as men can breathe or eyes can see, |
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