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Teen Poetry #4
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Smoke
| Teen Poetry #4 |
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Smoke |
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Allan Riverwood
since 2001-01-04
Posts 3502Winnipeg 
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The city died, one solemn night An earthquake tore the ground below The buildings shook, to nature's spite I felt I had no place to go I looked into the sky and dreamed I tilted my head back and screamed A different kind of death fumed high and taught us not to be afraid It told us that we would not die That we would live, if we just prayed I took the smoke for what it's worth as I despaired for mother earth It held my hand without its own and chanted softly with us all The tremble of the solid stone of buildings, that began to fall Our words would set no chaos right Our ears would hear no angel's flight But suddenly, to our surprise the smoke around began to shine I scarcely could believe my eyes Assuming they were ever mine I breathed the smoke into my chest and coughed with glee, as all the rest The city cried, the concrete tore The cars and children fell and broke and drifted, as the spoils of war were handed out, within the smoke And when the glowing smoke was clear not one of us had shed a tear I clutched my life then, like a fool without a thought to praise the dead I fell to knees, into a pool of fluid, gasoline and red I lay my face onto the ground and in that inch of death, I drowned. But none were watching as I breathed the bitter gasoline and blood And none could notice I was wreathed within the loveless, lifeless flood Still none would care if they had seen they'd just ignite the gasoline [This message has been edited by Allan Riverwood (edited 03-17-2001).] |
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| © Copyright 2001 Brian James Lee - All Rights Reserved | |||
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fozzyozzy Member
since 2001-03-15
Posts 336Lessburg Virginia |
I love epic poems like this. Do you live near earthquakes or something? Awesome, just simply awesome. You can take that one moment and stretch it. You're in my library now. "The woods are lovely, dark, and deep But I have promises to keep And miles to go before I sleep And miles to go before I sleep" -Robert Frost |
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Irish Rose Member Patricius
since 2000-04-06
Posts 10263 |
The rhyme scheme is very, very good and this evokes a lot of imagery! Kathleen Blake "When red-haired girls scamper like roses over the rain-green grass, and the sun drips honey." Laurie Lee |
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Elvenblood Member
since 2001-02-17
Posts 409Maine, USA |
Yes this is a really good picture you've painted here! Do more of these! "Some men see things as they are and say why. |
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
This was quite dark in the ending. I thought the scheme was perfect. I have read a few poems in this style and I absoluetly love it. Not the theme though, i thought the theme was great. It added punch to everything, very nicely written.  I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust. |
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Fading Away
since 2001-03-14
Posts 3131Lynchburg, Virginia |
Wow... I like the rhyme scheme a lot. I like epic poems too. This is a great poem. Great job. --Marie I never thought that you would ever be the one to let me down. I guess that just goes to show how wrong I always am. |
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Greeneyes617 Member
since 2000-11-22
Posts 329Arkansas |
You did an awesome job, Allan.  |
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Child of the Stars
since 2000-09-07
Posts 1658Ann Arbor, MI |
k. i don't know what to say. ...... im just sitting here. staring at the screen. trying not to cry. k. ill give you a real reply later. ~Carly "The eye sees a thing more clearly in dreams than the imagination awake." |
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Voiceless Senior Member
since 2001-02-19
Posts 686Under the stars upon the wind |
The flow of this poem is terrific! I love how you painted the scene to perfection as dark as it may be A great poem.. on to the library...
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anonymousfemale Member Elite
since 2000-02-02
Posts 2797Limbo |
You already know how much I love your CC series. If you don't, well wake the hell up.  Your pieces of writing go beyond words, Allan. This was totally awesome. Ok, that was a word but you know what I mean.  ~AF~ "It is not necessary to change. Survival is not mandatory." |
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Allan Riverwood
since 2001-01-04
Posts 3502Winnipeg |
Haha... thanks everyone. It was really an experiment in use of past tense as opposed to present tense. I noticed a few people using it, and it makes the story seem more "epic," as a few of you said. Thanks once again for your praise. ~Allan If I had your eyes, I'd be blind. For I can only see out of my own. ~~Carly Van Dort |
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Acies
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-07
Posts 7665Twilight Zone |
very imaginative Allan, very imaginative "So long as men can breathe or eyes can see, |
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princess^sarah Member
since 2001-01-12
Posts 131melbourne |
i loved it |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
An epopee, if you well, and strong, indeed. Well done! |
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Lakewalker Member Elite
since 2000-08-05
Posts 3289On the streets w/ people |
yup yup allan, it's a winner "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle" |
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Ina Senior Member
since 2000-10-09
Posts 1236Quebec, Canada |
great work i mean excellent! r u proud of this one?i hope so. well i liked the whole shceme. (o no the sky is gonna fall...lol) it had a backbone, very sturdy and oraganized. regina |
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Isabel Galaxia Senior Member
since 2000-06-18
Posts 733 |
That was amazing. Liked it much, no criticizm.  Bel |
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DancinQueen
since 2000-07-29
Posts 1092Kokomo,IN,USA |
you and your rhyme schemes ¤Sometimes the hardest thing to get over, is something you never really had¤ |
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UnPumpkin Junior Member
since 2001-03-25
Posts 18 |
J'adore. it gives me chills and a warm, fuzzy feeling. |
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Allysa 
since 1999-11-09
Posts 1952In an upside-down garden |
I agree with UnPumpkin, it gives me chills and a warm fuzzy feeling. Great Job! I wish people would stop telling me that I can do anything I want to. I never thought that I couldn't. |
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anonymous albert ?
since 2001-03-23
Posts 2979 |
luv the way the poem was written u really did a great job on it the words came 2 life as a true life experience great poem |
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Crash&Burn Member
since 2001-01-18
Posts 119 |
Good work I really enjoyed it. A perfect scheme and the topic defenetly catches the interest.  I see the darkness coming all is bleak... |
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knightlyshadows Senior Member
since 2001-04-14
Posts 791obscured vision |
ooo this was just wowish allan! u never cease to amaze me bro. made me all toastish yea okays i cant spell thanx for pointin it outs Zu love ya allan *hugs* tiff  “A single choice can build destinies,or destroy them.” Just leave me alone and give me some space. [This message has been edited by knightlyshadows (edited 05-31-2001).] |
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Marshalzu
since 2001-02-15
Posts 2681Lurking |
Well done Allan another great piece from you, You never cease to amaze me. Zu |
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SunShine913
since 2001-08-19
Posts 211Italy but from NC |
Well thier isnt too much to say about this poem .. but i loved the pic you painted in my head.. so pretty yet...umm i dont know what word im looking for..but i loved this . it is in my libary ! *You only live once, so live it to the fullest and have fun! |
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MindlessPoet Member
since 2001-04-20
Posts 106Texas |
whoa.. hehe. You did a very good job with imagery. I would say more but it seems everyone else has already.. adios. *TiMMYBoY* |
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