Destruction of American Society

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Lakewalker
Member Elite

since 2000-08-05

Posts 3289
On the streets w/ people

0 posted 2001-03-12 03:32 PM

Alright, well, I don't know what inspired this, nothing specific. It's a little different then my usual I think. Just a wee bit critical. Rip it apart for me, don't even dare telling me "great job, I love." Tell me what it makes you think about, if you disagree with anything I've said, yell at me

If you notice I'm posting this about 20 minutes after I got done writing it, so I know it's not near it's best (and I should wait to post it because I'll probably regret it later, but oh well...)

Destruction of American Society

I see the problems,
they’re in me too,
do others see them,
can they say they knew?

Why does it have to be like this,
a simple world created,
now changing into Hell,
and that’s still debated.

Falling to the pits of Sodom,
this world’s heading down now,
there's still some chance to clean up,
though few will soon ask how.

Lakewalker
3-12-01
3:12 PM

"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle"
"Life's short. If you don't look around once in a while you might miss it."
BothUnknown

[This message has been edited by Lakewalker (edited 03-12-2001).]

Kandi
Member

since 2000-06-14

Posts 354
North of Hell

1 posted 2001-03-12 04:06 PM

I know you said not to say this but TOO BAD - I really truly DID love this! I think we all feel that the world is on a downward spiral sometimes, especially during those times when everything just seems to be going wrong in our lives. I was going to say I kind of disagree with your POV - at first I thought the poem was maybe a little too cynical and didn't give enough credit to the good in the world...but then you came in with the last 2 lines:
"There's still some chance to clean it up
though few will soon ask how"
I think that gave it just the TINY piece of hope and optimism that it needed. So yeah, GREAT JOB! Truly an awesome read

"Don't spoons just make you smile? My friend is more of a FORK person, the butterknife makes me cry..." -Hallucinations in Blond

LoveBug

Moderator

Member Elite

since 2000-01-08

Posts 4697

2 posted 2001-03-12 04:33 PM

I can understand what you are saying here, but the only complaint that I have with this piece is that you don't go into much detail. You say a lot, but you don't say it all. I don't know if that's what you were going for, though. Anyway, it was well-written, and I agree with what you are saying, although I think you should understand there are worse places in the world than the USA (believe it or not!). Thanks for sharing.

"Men judge generally more by the eye than by the hand, for everyone can see and few can feel."-Machiavelli

branden726

Senior Member

since 2000-09-25

Posts 607
Bay City, MI

3 posted 2001-03-12 04:38 PM

Lakewalker, This is a wonderful piece of work althougth i cant agree with you about how the world is being turned into hell, to a lot of ppl it always was. Well nice poem.

"i just love when you bring your whole crew because its just a bigger piece of cake for me to chew threw"

Lakewalker
Member Elite

since 2000-08-05

Posts 3289
On the streets w/ people

4 posted 2001-03-12 04:45 PM

I just wanted to stop in and mention that I don't know if I agree with what I've written, I just wanted to share one of many view points. I'm a lot more positive about the world then this poem is. And LoveBug, thanks! When/if I work on this in the future I'll remember to go into detail, since I obviously left it out (not on purpose, I just didn't think of going into details). Thanks for the replies everyone

!!

"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle"
"Life's short. If you don't look around once in a while you might miss it."
BothUnknown

[This message has been edited by Lakewalker (edited 03-12-2001).]

Allan Riverwood

Member Elite

since 2001-01-04

Posts 3502
Winnipeg

5 posted 2001-03-12 05:02 PM

Great job, I love.

If I had your eyes, I'd be blind. For I can only see out of my own. ~~Carly Van Dort

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

6 posted 2001-03-12 06:11 PM

Oh isn't allan the funny one? Somebody shoot him

ok well, I thought the last verse in the first stanza didn't flow well with the stanza. I don't know what it was, but it didn't work for me.
Then the first verse in the 2nd stanza. Ok well I'm just gonna say that the flow is off in some places due to the syllable count. I have problems with this myself, so yea.
I felt like the ending was fine but maybe one more stanza in between the 3rd stanza and the last one would have been nice.
Just my opinion.

Great job, love it

I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

I'm in love with my shadow
I admire it daily

Acies

Moderator

Member Rara Avis

since 2000-06-07

Posts 7665
Twilight Zone

7 posted 2001-03-15 05:59 PM

The poem is good, but I do have one complaint. I think you're short changing us. Seems like the poem is cut. I feel like there is more to it than what you have shared. OK, I said my peace

"So long as men can breathe or eyes can see,
So long lives this, and this give life to thee." W.S.

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