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Open Poetry #12
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Paula Finn
Member Ascendant
since 2000-06-17
Posts 5546
missouri

0 posted 2001-03-10 01:44 PM


In my mind dreaming
Of walks in the fresh spring rain
Holding hands with you.

© Copyright 2001 Paula Finn - All Rights Reserved
WhtDove
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-22
Posts 9245
Illinois
1 posted 2001-03-10 02:57 PM


This was sooooooooo sweet!! Oh the days....

Brought happy smiles


<*\\\><

I know not what the future holds,
but I know Who holds the future.

I don't question YOUR existance - GOD


Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354
Listening to every heart
2 posted 2001-03-10 03:06 PM


Ah Paula....thank you....
Marsha
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-07-10
Posts 7423
Maidstone Kent England
3 posted 2001-03-10 07:15 PM


Paula dear heart, and I certainly couldn't pay a visit here without telling you how really beautiful this is
I love it you know dear heart, it is superb
Love nad warm stuff
Mushy

Marge Tindal
Deputy Moderator 5 ToursDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Empyrean
since 1999-11-06
Posts 42384
Florida's Foreverly Shores
4 posted 2001-03-10 07:44 PM


Paula~
Funny how so much is said in so little a space.
Wonderful Senryu.
~*Marge*~


~*The pen of the poet never runs out of ink, as long as we breathe.*~
noles1@totcon.com


catalinamoon
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-03
Posts 9543
The Shores of Alone
5 posted 2001-03-10 07:57 PM


Simply perfect.
S

Sven
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Laureate
since 1999-11-23
Posts 14937
East Lansing, MI USA
6 posted 2001-03-10 08:33 PM


I remember days like this. . . excellent. . .

----------------------------------------------------------

To the world, you may only be one person. But to one person, you may be the world.

emily
Member
since 2000-10-03
Posts 142
USA
7 posted 2001-03-10 08:37 PM


simply wonderful, what a fresh feeling I got reading this.

Help you grow as a writer, ah, yes, I too am growing. I've been writing and studying and I see you have a flair for imagination.

here is what I would humbly suggest.

I dreamt within my mind
I was walking in fresh spring rain
holding hands with you.

I simply tried an active voice approach
deleted "the" before rain for simplicity

just a suggestion, I always hold my breath before critique unless I know someone
is open to it. The final word is always the authors!!!!!!!



Emily


Nate Dogg
Senior Member
since 1999-11-15
Posts 1658
Georgia, Fulton
8 posted 2001-03-10 11:47 PM


A perfect little poem...thanks for sharing!

Nathan

Just A Woman
Senior Member
since 2001-03-10
Posts 507

9 posted 2001-03-10 11:49 PM


this type of poetry is not a haiku, right? But something similar?

A beautiful image this brings!

Daniel J D
Senior Member
since 2000-10-01
Posts 1471
Hillcrest, Queensland, Australia
10 posted 2001-03-11 12:14 PM


Paula,
Just you.

Respond to my call and let the waves of my heart fill your life with the wonders of love
(Daniel J D)

Paula Finn
Member Ascendant
since 2000-06-17
Posts 5546
missouri
11 posted 2001-03-11 12:47 PM


WhtDove...Im glad I could bring a smile to your face...thanks

Karilea...lol sweetie you are welcome

Marsha...you are ever welcome here dearest sister of my heart...thank you

Marge...sometimes saying less says it all...thank you sweet lady

Sandra...thank you so much

Sven...Im glad to bring back happy memories for you

Emily...I dont mind critiques...this particular style is called a senryu and it has a specific syllable count per line...in this case 5-7-5...so although the way you placed you words works...it doesnt fit the syllable count...

Nathan...always happy to share with you sweet friend

Just A Woman...its called a senryu...it uses the same syllable count as a haiku...it can just be about anything...not just nature like a haiku...thank you

Daniel...would you like to walk with me?


gardawg
Junior Member
since 2001-02-08
Posts 34
W of Seattle
12 posted 2001-03-11 12:33 PM


In my mind dreaming
Of walks in the fresh spring rain
Holding hands with you.


Paula, looked you up.

Good ku. Sweet.

I tend to minimal so might do

in my mind
walks in spring rain
your hand held

but that would be mine not yours.

Thanks.

Gary

JamesMichael
Member Empyrean
since 1999-11-16
Posts 33336
Kapolei, Hawaii, USA
13 posted 2001-03-11 02:15 PM


This is nice Paula...James
ethome
Member Patricius
since 2000-05-14
Posts 11858
New Brunswick Canada
14 posted 2001-03-11 04:56 PM


Small but beautiful yearning words...well done dear poet lady!
Paula Finn
Member Ascendant
since 2000-06-17
Posts 5546
missouri
15 posted 2001-03-12 12:36 PM


gary...yours is nice too...but it doesnt fit the syllable pattern of a senryu...but I do so love your minimalistic verses

James...I'm glad you like it

ethome...you know how I have fallen in love with this style...makes me work a little harder at presenting my thoughts...thank you sweet poet

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