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Open Poetry #12
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timing is everything(revised)
| Open Poetry #12 |
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timing is everything(revised) |
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kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore 
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timing is everything or so we say blended with our minds screwed into our consciousness we are like sprinters hunched in position at the start line forever geared up to surge forward should the pistol explode with the opportunities ahead timing is everything or so we say grab hold and tight of fleeting opportunities that threatens to slip past unutilised much like crafty eels wriggling out of their captor's hands following meekly i participate in this irrational rat race and wonder just wonder if my life would be easier if i surf on the tides of fate-- content to follow where it leads |
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| © Copyright 2001 heng kaile - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Denise
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-08-22
Posts 22648 |
This is great, Kaile!! Ah, that rat race, I know what you mean... |
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SEA 
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 2000-01-18
Posts 22676with you |
I really enjoy the images you present with your words.........very well said.  SEA |
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dragonpoe Senior Member
since 2000-11-12
Posts 608Palm Bay, Florida |
A wonderful read, thought intriguing and smooth. I always enjoy your work! With the word, I am mighty, with the pen I am free.. dragonpoe |
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Irish Rose Member Patricius
since 2000-04-06
Posts 10263 |
Yes, and thank you for your recent encouragement, you were right - sometimes we need to hear our own words! I'll be back later for a "critique" after all this is a poetry site right? "When red-haired girls scamper like roses over the rain-green grass, and the sun drips honey." Laurie Lee |
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dgvarner Member Elite
since 2000-05-13
Posts 3552High Springs, Florida |
BRAVO!!  the first one i liked too..but this one is alive.. great job kaile  hugs, g "maybe one day we can turn and face our fears maybe one day we can reach out through our tears..." -a grant |
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ethome Member Patricius
since 2000-05-14
Posts 11858New Brunswick Canada |
I'm glad to see you happy with your revisions...I really like the work you've put into this. It always pays to edit your own material...write write and rewrite! Good worl Kaile good work! The poet is like a cocoon; in him the caterpillar of the past finds rest, and from him the butterfly of the future emerges. |
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kcsgrandma Senior Member
since 2000-09-24
Posts 1522Presque Isle, ME |
I like a lot of your revisions here. I had to go print them both and compare. For the most part I think you've made it read better without losing the strengths you had before. As I read, I'm not sure about the line "grab hold and tight" (which was also in the earlier version). It doesn't feel right to me, I think because "hold" and "tight" are different parts of speech. I'm not sure about what to suggest in its place. Maybe "grab fast and tight" or "grab hold tightly"? "Opportunities" in the following line is plural, so requires "threaten" rather than "threatens". You might want to consider changing "of" there to "to", as well. I do like the slippery eels image. I also like the way you have broken up the lines in the last stanza. Overall, it's working very nicely for me. To love another person is to see the face of God. - Les Miserables Marilyn |
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ParisGrl Senior Member
since 2000-06-01
Posts 610 |
Kaile, I understand the rat race all to well. I once thought i could let fate take me where it wanted to...guess i wrong, because i'm caught up in the rat race again. Take Care and keep up the good work! ~Laura~ |
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kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore |
Denise, Sea, dragonpoe,Laura, thank you for reading...glad you found this one to your liking dgvarner, ethome, im glad you think this revised version reads better... will be waiting for that critique, Kathleen and will be taking note of your suggestions, kcs...back to the writing board for me  thanx all |
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Sven
since 1999-11-23
Posts 14937East Lansing, MI USA |
what about "grab hold and tight to fleeting opportunities"? great kaile. . . I like what you've done with this. . . ---------------------------------------------------------- To the world, you may only be one person. But to one person, you may be the world. |
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kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore |
your suggestion is noted, sven...will hopefully post another revised version soon.... thanx all |
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ggrn3 Member
since 2000-08-17
Posts 433Nahunta Georgia U.S. |
Kaile This was an excellent write. Many of us are followers and few of us are leaders. I feel that you are a leader, "surfing the tides of fate," especially after this exquisite piece. Keep blazing the path for the rest of us PASSIONATE POETS. Garfield |
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kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore |
bumping this one up because i hope to edit this |
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