»
Archives
»
Open Poetry #12
»
timing is everything
| Open Poetry #12 |
|
timing is everything |
|
kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore 
|
timing is everything, or so we say blended into our minds, screwed onto our consciousness, we are like sprinters at the start line, forever tensed, forever geared up to surge forward should the pistol explode and the opportunities are ahead timing is everything, or so we say grab hold and tight of any opportunity that flutters by your way i participate in this irrational rat race and wonder, just wonder if my life will be easier if i subject myself to the tides of fate, and be content to follow where it leads me to |
||
| © Copyright 2001 heng kaile - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
dgvarner Member Elite
since 2000-05-13
Posts 3552High Springs, Florida |
so good to see you kaile  i like this one..and yes, it probably would be easier if we just follow where fate leads...but hey, we're human...we were born fightin! so we fight..and make everything more difficult..... *sigh*.... hope to keep seeing your name in the blue pages..i read one that sd something about you leaving..  i never got to reply to it..so, glad to see you not gone! hugs, g "maybe one day we can turn and face our fears maybe one day we can reach out through our tears..." -a grant |
||
|
nakdthoughts Member Laureate
since 2000-10-29
Posts 19200Between the Lines |
i participate in this irrational rat race and wonder, just wonder if my life will be easier if i subject myself to the tides of fate, and be content to follow where it leads me to love your "timing" *s ~Wynter "The worst prison would be a closed heart". ...Pope John Paul II |
||
|
doreen peri Member Elite
since 1999-05-25
Posts 3812Virginia |
"i participate in this irrational rat race and wonder, just wonder if my life will be easier if i subject myself to the tides of fate, and be content to follow where it leads me to" great lines... you did a good job with this... thanks for participating in this challenge..... i say fate is what you make it.... go with your heart... life is too short... way way too short to do it any other way... (a minor critique "flutter" didn't really work for me... do opportunities "flutter" by? hmmm... i think there's probably a better word... somehow i'm thinking of a word that suggests "light"... maybe opportunities "illuminate"...? just a suggestion... what DO opportunities do? all i know is i don't want to miss any, any more!!!!) thanks for writing and posting this... |
||
|
kcsgrandma Senior Member
since 2000-09-24
Posts 1522Presque Isle, ME |
It is great to see you here again! I think I disagree about "flutters". Those opportunities can be rather ephemeral, not unlike a butterfly. I wonder, do we really have a choice about those "tides of fate", or do we just think we do? Maybe all that struggling to be in the right place at the right time is pointless, just a feeble attempt to be in control. You have provoked some thought here. To love another person is to see the face of God. - Les Miserables Marilyn |
||
|
Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
I'm with you on the critique thing (so feel free to critique me back k? lol) Firstly - I do actually like this poem..I like the way it flows, and the thoughts and most of the way the words are put together. I also like the analogy of the sprinter.. My first suggestion would be to kill the commas... why have some punctuation over none at all when what you DO have is inconsistent? It interrupts the flow. Secondly - this is a matter of personal preference, but I believe that the little i's are better changed to capital I's - it's easier on the eye (npi) of the reader.. i participate in this irrational rat race and wonder, just wonder if my life will be easier there is a bit of a problem with the tense in this piece - I'd be inclined to change the 'will' to would... here: forever tensed, forever geared up I'd get rid of the second forever - it runs a little better I think without the repetition just: forever tensed geared up gives it a little more edge. Your poem is taught and fast-paced. You don't need anything slowing it down. I'm with Doreen on the flutter word also - I feel it needs something harder - in sound and concept. In the last verse there are some unnecessary words there that slow the pace down: i participate in this irrational rat race and wonder, just wonder if my life will be easier if i subject myself to the tides of fate, and be content to follow where it leads me to If you changed it to this it goes a bit faster: i participate in this irrational rat race and wonder, just wonder if my life will be easier if i subject myself to the tides of fate, content to follow where it leads Now, overall the sentencing is good - however..some lines seen a little bit too long - like the tides of fate line. Also, if you did remove commas the 'and wonder, just wonder' line would likely have to be divided up soooooooo as K gets to the end of her long rant - I think, using all my suggestions as an example - here is how it could look: timing is everything or so we say blended into our minds screwed onto our consciousness we are like sprinters at the start line forever tensed geared up to surge forward should the pistol explode and the opportunities are ahead timing is everything or so we say grab hold and tight of any opportunity that ? by your way I participate in this irrational rat race and wonder just wonder if my life will be easier if I subject myself to the tides of fate - content to follow where it leads I put the hyphen in as it gives the last little part a bit of space and emphasis. So, please tell me what you think Kaile - and thanks for the op. to critique  K...and I have found that a lifetime can be lived in one moment... T.G.M. |
||
|
ethome Member Patricius
since 2000-05-14
Posts 11858New Brunswick Canada |
Glad to see you back with us...sometimes it takes a little time away to really appreciate where you want to go and to straighten out a few things inside and out....this is a great write to return with...I enjoyed it so very much...and I can't say much more than the others before me...take care always! The poet is like a cocoon; in him the caterpillar of the past finds rest, and from him the butterfly of the future emerges. |
||
|
Sven
since 1999-11-23
Posts 14937East Lansing, MI USA |
I'll just agree with everything that's been said above. . . nice to see you back kaile. . . -------------------------------------------------------- To the world, you may only be one person. But to one person, you may be the world. |
||
|
Poeminister Senior Member
since 2000-02-26
Posts 1862Regina SK; Canada |
Sometimes fate is the better choice. Wonderful write. Poeminister |
||
|
Lighthousebob Member Elite
since 2000-06-14
Posts 4725California |
kaile, just remember to set for yourself an even pace 'cause we're in the long run and need to finish this race. a good write. Bob <>< |
||
|
kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore |
any comments for revision?... |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
