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haze
| Open Poetry #10 |
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haze |
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Effigy Member
since 2000-04-11
Posts 486disbelief 
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And I fell The music surrounded me, Soft, fast, controlling. It didn’t let up. The bass the lights the people, you. Night children The underbelly Things only seen in movies. Thank God for the movies. I have done it. Oh the beat the rhythm I’ve seen them cross-eyed and drooling. The lights the clubs. Just a little bit of ecstasy Every where you go. Do this line, drink this down. It’ll be alright in the morning. I fell. Whip its, “K” all around. The selection was outstanding. Take that pill and wash it on down. You'll love the world. Kids nothing but the less than adults. The bass won’t leave me alone Can,t get that beat out of my head. Light a cigarette wait till dawn. Trip ends at dawn. Rest. Time for daytime pursuits. night comes quickly. [This message has been edited by Effigy (edited 10-12-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 wes wiggins - All Rights Reserved | |||
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Oh yeah. Nice description of a mind numbing experience. And lucky for me, I survived without dain bramage. Nice work, here, effigy. |
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brian madden Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 4374ireland |
THere is something about night clubs that does not appeal to me, but I know the feeling of a long night drinking and clubbing "night comes quickly." but the next morning comes quicker and lasts longer...ouch hangovers... well penned really enjoyed the poem. "an afixiation a fix on anything the line of life the limb of a tree the hands of he and the promise that s/he is blessed among women". Patti Smith |
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Sven
since 1999-11-23
Posts 14937East Lansing, MI USA |
*smiling at serenity, and wondering about his own dain bramge. . . * Good work here effigy. . . the beat continues. . . ------------------------------------------------------ That which gives light must endure burning --Victor Frankl |
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Effigy Member
since 2000-04-11
Posts 486disbelief |
thanks |
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forne_marin Member
since 2004-04-13
Posts 140Spartanburg, South Carolina |
This one has got some great potential, my friend. I really really liked it. The only negative thing I have to say is that your lines get confusing in some places where you have what is basically two different clauses, "the bass the rhythm" etc. These need to be broken up somehow. It could be as simple as putting in a comma. In praise, the piece bears a resemblance to Gwendolyn Brooks' "We Real Cool". If you haven't read it, do so. This one is publishable, I think. I believe the most important component of a poem is rhythm. Rhythm is the heartbeat of a poem. It is what makes poetry poetry. |
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