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S.O.S(a series of Haikus for Marina's challenge)
| Open Poetry #7 |
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S.O.S(a series of Haikus for Marina's challenge) |
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kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore 
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S.O.S SLAP! Angry roars pierce like Loud hard slaps across my face I cower in fear Under The Bed I peer hesitantly~ Painful hit from Dad's large cane~ I bleed profusely In Agony Heavy downpour falls~ Drowning in its murky depths Please Lord,where are you? all comments welcome  ")if i may ask:what do you interpret "angry roars" as?thanx [This message has been edited by kaile (edited 04-19-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 heng kaile - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Marina Member Elite
since 2000-02-10
Posts 2245Pickering, Ontario |
Kaile, I like the style you use here. It is very short and comes right to the point. Thank you for posting to our cause. Challenge well met! Marina |
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Janet Marie Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554 |
powerful images spoken in so few words.. very good work K, I hadnt seen Haikus done like this before. take care, jm Well the sun sets gently on your shoulders And it makes me want to touch you there. And the light in your eyes makes me feel Like there's something much better out there Something kind... And I know someday I might be looking around Trying to find some purpose Well purpose it can't be that hard to find As long as I've got the wind... The wind and your love to carry me. vertical horizon |
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Marge Tindal
since 1999-11-06
Posts 42384Florida's Foreverly Shores |
Kaile~ Beautifully done on such a poignant subject. ~*Marge*~ ~*The pen of the poet never runs out of ink, as long as we breathe.*~ [email protected] |
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kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore |
Marina--glad that you think i have met the challenge well ")JM,thanx for your comments.this is something new(never done this b4)and am delighted that you like it Marge,your praise just warms my heart ")  |
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Joannak Member
since 2000-03-11
Posts 121Indiana, USA |
kaile, you never have to ask me if I have the time to read your material, I look for it constantly. This piece has a very different style, but it is very effective. As for your angry roars, I interpret them as thunderclaps, but I can see other inferences, also. Agony, for me Thinking of your pain, hidden Silencing your voice. Joanna What better way to become immortal than to wake up each day and write? Ray Bradbury |
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Dennis L. White Senior Member
since 2000-02-17
Posts 1463Michigan, U.S.A. |
Kaile, These are sad but very well written! Dennis :^) Moonbeams radiate As the veiling cloud has past Playful shadows dance! D.L.White :^) |
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INclan Senior Member
since 1999-07-20
Posts 1024Indiana, USA |
Kaile, These are very interesting. I am not familiar with Marina's challenge but I suspect it concerns abuse. Before discussing the poetry, I thought the plural of Haiku was Haiku. SLAP! Angry roars, to me sounds like words hurled with force. I know words can be more painful than any physical slap. A slap may injure the body but a word can injure the spirit (soul). This strikes me as verbal abuse. Under The Bed A person bleeds in more ways than just blood. When a person, for who's approval you desperately strive, slaps you down, the pain cuts deep. The level of fear which drives a child under a bed is not a good thing. My second daughter, at age 4, dialed 911 and the police responded. She hid under the bed, afraid they would take her to jail. I found that I had a fair amount of spiritual rebuilding to do before begining to instruct. This could be interpreted both ways, as physical and/or mental abuse. In Agony This strikes me as the downpour of tears from crushing frustration...drowning in its murky depths. The dispare is made all the more poignant by the final plea. Excellant writing! Overall, I find these three haiku focused and well written. The secret to Haiku is to limit your subject and distill what you want to say down to the essence. Having only 17 syllables to work with, words can not be wasted. You have certainly been successful here. You should be justifiably proud of your work. I look forward to reading your work in the future. Best Regards, INclan p.s. This type of "more in depth" analysis is usually reserved for the "Critical Analysis" Forum. However, since you asked, I am happy to critique your work here. |
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Denise
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-08-22
Posts 22648 |
Very well done, Kaile! Denise |
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Marina Member Elite
since 2000-02-10
Posts 2245Pickering, Ontario |
back you go...with thanks Marina |
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kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore |
Joannak,yes,i meant angry roars as thunder first but when i looked at it again,i thought it could also mean as the yelling and shouting of the abuser lovely senyru from you too...thx ") INclan,thank you so much for the wonderful critique of yours.... ") i'm sorry you have spent so much time on this....but your insightful comments are a great ego-booster and serve to make me more determined to write better haiku/tanka/senyru ") Dennis:thx for ur sweet comment! Denise:thanx you for coming all the way from the corner pub to have a look at this...i'm honoured that u are willing to spare the time on my work..... ")Marina,nice gesture of your ") |
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Mon Cherie
since 2001-10-31
Posts 922Land of Never-ending Summers |
This series of haikus seem to be so agonising! First with a slap and then with a cowering with fear. It starts to think what a kid goes through these days. How better parenting would lead to better kids. *sigh* _,,,^.^,,,_ |
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