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Open Poetry #7
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Sad one... Palindrome's syndrome for Sven's challenge
| Open Poetry #7 |
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Sad one... Palindrome's syndrome for Sven's challenge |
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Sudhir Iyer Member Ascendant
since 2000-04-26
Posts 6943Mumbai, India : now in Belgium 
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It was very difficult to come up with something for a very difficult challenge, yet I tried a play with words. I hope this is at least readable. I do not have a high opiniion of myself anymore, so please judge me and pass on your suggestions... Thanks for bearing... Sven, is this what you expected? ..... Death becomes him ..... ...Feeling sad Reeling and drowning Jealous and mad Wife cheating Aloud, destiny laughs Bleeding heart Hurting Soul Life Fleeting He walks slow steps measured death full stop "Me becomes death", said he even before killing himself, twisted fate wasted life Alas! Glass reflecting, mirrored loss broken, shredded lost soul Eye to eye soul to soul cry for cry, sobbed I. I sobbed, cry for cry soul to soul eye to eye soul lost shredded, broken loss mirrored relecting glass, Alas life wasted fate twisted himself killing before even he said "death becomes me" stop full death measured steps slow, walks he Fleeting life Soul hurting heart bleeding Laughs destiny, aloud Cheating wife mad and jealous drowning and reeling Sad feeling... .......... him becomes death........ < !signature--> Life is like a painting, That in an art gallery is left hanging, Though many come just to look at it, A very few actually come to enjoy it. [This message has been edited by Sudhir Iyer (edited 05-20-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 Sudhir Iyer - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Jon Mewett Senior Member
since 2000-03-04
Posts 1304 |
Wow Sadir this is a whirlpool of feeling, it drags you in with it's current. Nice Jon |
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Sven
since 1999-11-23
Posts 14937East Lansing, MI USA |
This is excellent Sudhir!! You have done very well with this. . . it reads perfectly, I noticed that you changed some of the words, but you had to do it for the flow of the poem. . . A superb response to a difficult challenge!!! ------------------------------------------------------------- That which gives light must endure burning --Victor Frankl |
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dhuron Member
since 2000-03-19
Posts 476 |
This was very good...and yes Sven's challenge scares me...but perhaps I will give it a whirl... Simply wonderful here... |
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Tara Simms Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 1244Honea Path, SC USA |
Wow, you did a great job with this! Such painful feelings expressed in this piece. |
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Lone Wolf Member Ascendant
since 2000-03-16
Posts 5842Lansing, MI USA |
Sudhir.... Excellent job!! You did well with Sven's difficult challenge. Hope it is not true to life though... Lone Wolf Friends are friend forever if the Lord's the Lord of them and a friend will not say never cause the welcome will not end. --Michael W. Smith |
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Poet deVine
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-26
Posts 22612Hurricane Alley |
I think you more than met this challenge!!! Excellent work...most impressive...  |
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tracie66 Member Elite
since 2000-01-18
Posts 4713Australia |
Sudhir~ You have more than met the challenge with this. A most powerful, sorrowful piece. Very well done. Tracie~ Love is the life of the soul... It is the harmony of the universe |
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Sudhir Iyer Member Ascendant
since 2000-04-26
Posts 6943Mumbai, India : now in Belgium |
Jon, Thanks for your response. Sven, Actually, I was trying something, but it seems it probably failed. The mistaken word is in the second stanza, and I will correct it. Thank you for your 'superb' comment dhuron, I hope you do, read from you soon!! Tara, Thanks for reading and posting your appreciative response... Lone Wolf, Thanks. No, this is not true to life. I hope this is not true for anybody, the feelings that I felt just writing this fictitious one was heart wrenching to me... Poet deVine. Thank you. I am honoured. Tracie, Many thanks, I owe you. By the way, I am following what you said and putting up the reponse poem for all to see. I hope others like it... Once again, thanks to all of you for reading...and posting your comments too!!!! Regards, sudhir. [This message has been edited by Sudhir Iyer (edited 05-20-2000).] |
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brian madden Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 4374ireland |
Wow, It is a difficult challenge and you excelled in your repsonse. Tragic and powerful. |
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Sudhir Iyer Member Ascendant
since 2000-04-26
Posts 6943Mumbai, India : now in Belgium |
Thanks Brian, I just read your poem too, it is brilliant in itself too... Regards, Sudhir |
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Sudhir Iyer Member Ascendant
since 2000-04-26
Posts 6943Mumbai, India : now in Belgium |
In appreciation of Sven's mighty challenge, and to get more poets involved in this challenge, I send this back to visibility range... One might say 'Nice try Mister, but next time be more smart instead of being cheeky...'  Less than a month here, and I am feeling poetry run in my veins. Reading all the wonderful poetry here by the ven more wonderful people make same a wee bit small, I must truly admit... ... well more of all that later... Regards, sudhir. |
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Aimster Member Elite
since 2000-02-19
Posts 4297Charlotte, NC |
I could feel the intensity and sadness in this piece from beginning to end. you more than met sven's challenge in my personal opinion. you write with such sadness that it broke my heart to read. however, i am very glad that i did. take care sweetie! amy ~Live today as though it were your last but prepare for tomorrow as though it were here~ |
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Sudhir Iyer Member Ascendant
since 2000-04-26
Posts 6943Mumbai, India : now in Belgium |
Amy, I will take care. Thanks for reding and even more thanks for your friendly concern. I am blessed to have well-wishers like you around... Regards, Sudhir |
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Kit McCallum
Administrator
Member Laureate
since 2000-04-30
Posts 14774Ontario, Canada |
I've been off-line a fair bit and must have missed this challenge Sudhir ... I'll have to look for Sven's original a little later in the week when I'll have some more time. Your poem regardless was amazing! Forward then backward with incredible flow in both directions ... Excellent Sudhir! Best wishes, /Kit |
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Sudhir Iyer Member Ascendant
since 2000-04-26
Posts 6943Mumbai, India : now in Belgium |
Kit, Many thanks for taking some time off to read this one... Regards, Sudhir |
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Corazon Senior Member
since 2000-02-02
Posts 1209 |
well I don't have time for most challenges, and don't write well when it is forced, my poems just come to me at odd times, no explaining, but this is not only a challenge well met, but an incredible poem....wow...I had never seen this form...the way you used it is very very powerful!! |
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Crystal Lynn Junior Member
since 2000-05-21
Posts 18Miami, FL. USA |
this was an awsome poem...im speechless....needless to say i loved it...cant wait to see more like this crystal |
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Sudhir Iyer Member Ascendant
since 2000-04-26
Posts 6943Mumbai, India : now in Belgium |
Corazon, Crystal Lynn, Thanks to both of you. This was just an attempt to overcome the inspiring challenge... Believe me, this was a very difficult challenge, involved a lot of play of words, and confluence of ideas... I am sad this had to be a sorrowful one... Corazon, it is the same story here, and mostly for all poets. Words just come up at the oddest moments in time, and sometimes, while travelling in a packed train, where you can't even write them down. Later, you try to recollect the words, and then it is too painful to note that the flow has been disrupted etc... Crystal Lynn, Thats too much of dosage of appreciation... Regards and thanks once again, Sudhir. [This message has been edited by Sudhir Iyer (edited 05-25-2000).] |
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ESP Member Elite
since 2000-01-25
Posts 2556Floating gently on a cloud.... |
Excellent answer to the challenge. Your whirpool of words sucked me right in! Love and hugs, Lizzie  "Poetry is the true expression of my soul, it is my ultimate means of communication. It is my rainbow of delight." |
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Dark Angel Member Patricius
since 1999-08-04
Posts 10095 |
WOW, this is terrific, loved it. you did great! Je t'aime plus qu'hier et moins que demain." I love you more than yesterday and less than tomorrow (unkown) |
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Sudhir Iyer Member Ascendant
since 2000-04-26
Posts 6943Mumbai, India : now in Belgium |
Lizzie and Dark Angel, I wish you could imagine, how much your words of appreciation mean to me... Thanks for reading and posting, Regards, Sudhir. Life is like a painting, That in an art gallery is left hanging, Though many come just to look at it, A very few actually come to enjoy it. |
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shilpi Member
since 2000-05-24
Posts 73 |
ohh sudhir....to say that this is absolutely gr8 would be an understatement, what a play with words !!! Its magnificent, truly !!! Your poems are a pleasure to read....I cannot think of a better way to enjoy poetry !! shilpi |
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Sudhir Iyer Member Ascendant
since 2000-04-26
Posts 6943Mumbai, India : now in Belgium |
Thank you shilpi, you have been very appreciative.... Regards, sudhir. Hey you, out there in the cold, Getting lonely, getting old, can you feel me? Hey you, standing in the aisle, With itchy feet and fading smile, can you feel me? Hey you, don't help them to bury the light. Don't give in without a fight. Hey you, out there on your own, Sitting naked by the phone, would you touch me? Hey you, with your ear against the wall, Waiting for someone to call out, would you touch me? Hey you, would you help me to carry the stone? Open your heart, I'm coming home.... by Roger Waters (Pink Floyd) - The Wall |
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