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Open Poetry #7
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Sudhir Iyer
Member Ascendant
since 2000-04-26
Posts 6943
Mumbai, India : now in Belgium

0 posted 2000-05-10 10:43 AM


This is the first and only time so far I tried something like this. Might probably be good for a song and drama theme, perhaps. I guess, it is upto you all to tell me more about this one...

Thanks in advance for reading and for your feedbacks....


Pleading:
--------
I am a dreamer,
     let me dream your dreams for you,
I am an eye,
     let me see your sights for you,
I am a wheel,
     let me drive your drive for you,
I am a guide,
     let me guide you through this life.


Desperation: Try 1
------------------
The eye of the needle,
     the slit from the shades,
The opening in the tunnel,
     and the hole in the soul,
My darling, my dearest,
     won’t you look through the hole?
Hear me, my angel,
     can’t you hear the cries from my soul?

Caring:
------
Sleep well,
     don’t let fear grip your mind,
Eat well,
     don’t let hunger get into your head,
Rest a little, dear
     don’t blink your eyes,
Close your eyes,
     let your heart open up.

More Desperation: Try 1
------------------
The eye of the needle,
     the slit from the shades,
The opening in the tunnel,
     and the hole in the soul,
My darling, my dearest,
     won’t you look through the hole?
Hear me, my angel,
     can’t you hear the cries from my soul?


A final try
-----------
You look up to the sky,
     hoping that you scale it,
You look up to the hill,
     hoping that you reach the top,
Don't you look up to the horizon,
     hoping to be there someday,
Please look up and see me me,
     I hope that you feel me bleed.
The eye of the needle,
     the slit from the shades,
The opening in the tunnel,
     and the hole in the soul,
My darling, my dearest,
     won’t you look through the hole?
Hear me, my angel,
     can’t you hear the cries from my soul?


Closure and disappointment:
--------------------------
No, I guess you don't and you never might
That's because I am dumb alright,
I can’t speak but yet as I see,
I can’t tell what I see, because....

... I am DUMB...here in my muted misery.


< !signature-->

 In any moment of decision,
The best thing you can do is the right thing,
The next-best thing is the wrong thing,
And the worst thing you can do is nothing.
- Theodore Roosevelt


[This message has been edited by Sudhir Iyer (edited 05-12-2000).]

© Copyright 2000 Sudhir Iyer - All Rights Reserved
Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354
Listening to every heart
1 posted 2000-05-10 10:47 AM


Dumb? No. Frustration? Yes.

Leaves a lot to think about, this!

Kit McCallum
Administrator
Member Laureate
since 2000-04-30
Posts 14774
Ontario, Canada
2 posted 2000-05-10 11:03 AM


Quite an interesting style Sudhir ... I particularly liked the paradox in:

"Eat well,
don’t let hunger get into your head,
Rest a little, dear
don’t blink your eyes,"

Well done!

/Kit

Janet Marie
Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554

3 posted 2000-05-10 11:10 AM


Sud,
this is VERY cool...very unique and creative...
lots of emotion and depth...
the only thing I didnt like was the dumb part
took away from the rest of the poem-- though I understand the emotion you were tryng to express...i just disagree..not dumb  
try it maybe with another more "poetic" word
OR not....
its your poem...*smile*
take care, jm

 It's amazing
How you make your face just like a wall
How you take your heart and turn it off
How I turn my head and you lose it all ...
And it's unnerving
How one move just puts me by myself
There you go just trusting someone else
Now I know I put us both through hell ...
I'm not sayin
That there was nothing wrong
I just didn't think you'd ever get tired of me
And I'm not sayin
We ever had the right to hold on
I just didn't wanna let you get away from me.
~MB20~Leave



Sudhir Iyer
Member Ascendant
since 2000-04-26
Posts 6943
Mumbai, India : now in Belgium
4 posted 2000-05-11 05:09 AM


Sunshine, Kit and Janet,
Firstly thanks a lot for reading this one and for posting your thoughts on it.

Now let me add a few things here:
For me DUMB has several meanings at the same time.
One who cannot speak is DUMB,
One who speaks stupidly and incoherently is also DUMB,
One whe speaks and is neglected or not listened to is as good as DUMB.

In this case, it is a question why the pains of the pleader's heart and the desire to have a friend and loved one is not clear to the person in question, when one look at my soul could show the desperation...The pleader therefore goes into closure and starts thinking he is DUMB because he can't spek his heart out for the other person does not listen...

Janet, could you suggest me a better word. please do so, I would like to improve this one as I would like for every poem I write.

Thanks once again for your kind replies.

Regards,
Sudhir




 In any moment of decision,
The best thing you can do is the right thing,
The next-best thing is the wrong thing,
And the worst thing you can do is nothing.
- Theodore Roosevelt

tracie66
Member Elite
since 2000-01-18
Posts 4713
Australia
5 posted 2000-05-11 05:19 AM


Sudhir~
Oh you have done well with this my freind I was just captivated and drawn in by this.
EXCELLENT
Tracie~


 Love is the life of the soul...
It is the harmony of the universe



PericolosoAmore
Junior Member
since 2000-04-14
Posts 31

6 posted 2000-05-11 05:22 AM


wowee, wow, wow, wow.
This is fantastic. The style of this poem is very different, which makes it so briliant.
write another like it.
P.A.

PericolosoAmore
Junior Member
since 2000-04-14
Posts 31

7 posted 2000-05-11 05:23 AM


P.S YOUR NOT DUMB IF YOU CAN WRITE LIKE THAT!!!!!! P.A.
REBECCA ALLYN
Member
since 2000-05-09
Posts 91
Lima,Ohio
8 posted 2000-05-11 05:46 AM


You are AWESOME!!
this poem is very different but so well done.
I really like it!!!
WOW,what else can I say?


LOTS of LUV,
Becky

Dark Angel
Member Patricius
since 1999-08-04
Posts 10095

9 posted 2000-05-11 06:19 AM


This style of poem is different and most certainly wonderful... enjoyed it much.  

 What comes from the heart goes to the heart.
Samuel Coleridge



Sudhir Iyer
Member Ascendant
since 2000-04-26
Posts 6943
Mumbai, India : now in Belgium
10 posted 2000-05-11 05:33 PM


Tracie, P.A., Becky, Dark Angel,

Thanks a lot for your appreciating words. I am really honoured with your encouraging words.

P.A., I will try and write another one like this one, and maybe for you.

Till the next one, regards,
Sudhir




 Life is like a painting,
That in an art gallery is left hanging,
Though many come just to look at it,
A very few actually come to enjoy it.

Janet Marie
Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554

11 posted 2000-05-11 06:02 PM


hi again...
I just saw  your question and your explination. It makes a lot of sense and I know what you were trying to convey.
I ususally dont even attempt to critique as Im always afraid of offending or suggesting something that would take away from the emotions the poet was trying to express.
I  truly hope I did neither of those things to you.
for me-- the word was just lacking in poetic strength compared to the other perfect words you used in this unique poem..but again your explination shows me that it is probably the best word for what you were trying to say.

how about dumbstruck?

or maybe just add a word or two to the dumb?
-------------------------
Closure and disappointment:
--------------------------
No, I guess you don't and you never might
That's because I am dumb alright,
I can’t speak but yet as I see,
I can’t tell what I see, because....


... I am DUMB...here in my muted misery.

rhymes with the "as I see" line above

or not....like I said..your poem *smile*
thanks for letting me act like i know what im talking about LOL  
jm


[This message has been edited by Janet Marie (edited 05-11-2000).]

Sudhir Iyer
Member Ascendant
since 2000-04-26
Posts 6943
Mumbai, India : now in Belgium
12 posted 2000-05-12 01:16 PM


Janet,
Thanks for your advice. I am never offended by suggestions as good as you gave here. In fact suggestions, good or bad, critisms- appreciative or otherwise are always welcome.

So let the suggestions come in. I am only too glad to review them...

Thanks again,
Regards, Sudhir.

P.S. I am changing the last line now...


 Life is like a painting,
That in an art gallery is left hanging,
Though many come just to look at it,
A very few actually come to enjoy it.

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