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sometimes i crumble
| Corner Pub #2 |
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sometimes i crumble |
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Packratmike Senior Member
since 2001-02-25
Posts 632California, USA 
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there was a time i would melt at the sight of you (like strawberry Jell-O left in the sun dripping and running across a blue checkerboard tablecloth onto neatly trimmed grass) you caught me watching and sipped carefully.... delicately at my shyness taking me in one drop at a time until the punch was perfect for sharing (and share we did) then God with His infinite wisdom took you to His side and left me to hide in this boldness (you taught me) yet sometimes i crumble at the thought of you.... falling, imploding within myself oblivious to all except those senses burning deep inside like a far away campfire in a moonless wilderness i can see your glow (in the distance) i can feel your warm breath (near my skin) i can smell the freshness of your radiant hair (above the pine and smoldering ashes) i can hear your sizzling whispers (in wet logs burning) and i can taste that sweet punch (now mixed with hot crimson tears that drip and run like strawberry Jell-O in the sun.....) but still it's just not the same [This message has been edited by Packratmike (edited 05-10-2001).] |
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| © Copyright 2001 Mike Powers - All Rights Reserved | |||
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Stunningly sad and moving, a very beautiful and heart-wrenching write Mike. I love this one. |
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~DreamChild~ Senior Member
since 2001-04-23
Posts 544in your dreams |
great imagery, and great wording, too. this is a swell poem. thanks for sharing. |
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Poet deVine
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-26
Posts 22612Hurricane Alley |
Well, I've read this three times. It's a memory...a sad one so well written that I feel it in my heart. Thank you. |
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Packratmike Senior Member
since 2001-02-25
Posts 632California, USA |
serenity, DreamChild and PoetdeVine...thank you all for the kind words. I'd like to make it clear that when I write poems like this, I'm not wallowing in self-pity or attempting to present to the reader a "poor pitiful me" poem. That's not my aim and it is not what I'm trying to do so I hope they don't come across that way. What I am trying to do with these is draw from and paint, as best I can, segments of experiences and feelings that at some point in my life touched me deeply. Hopefully, these bittersweet scenes will touch the reader and beg to be read over again. Thank you all again.*S* Mike |
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Dark Angel Member Patricius
since 1999-08-04
Posts 10095 |
A very sad and very moving poem. Well written  Maree |
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Packratmike Senior Member
since 2001-02-25
Posts 632California, USA |
Thank you, Maree.*S* Mike |
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Denise
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-08-22
Posts 22648 |
You've painted a masterpiece that does beg to be savored over and over again. Excellent! |
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coyote Senior Member
since 2001-03-17
Posts 1077 |
Mike, I loved the pictures in here. Picnics and camping, etc. To blend those so skillfully into the sadness, is truly a remarkable use of emotive thought. Excellent work. Billy "The rose, like the cactus flower, protects herself with thorns. We however, impale ourselves on their beauty." |
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mistyrose Member
since 2001-04-21
Posts 75state of anxiety |
packratmike..... what beautiful descriptions of a bittersweet memory ...and its still just not the same.... is it ever? this is wonderful and thank you mistyrose~ |
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Packratmike Senior Member
since 2001-02-25
Posts 632California, USA |
Denise and Billy....thank you so much for your kind remarks. I'm glad this piece came out the way it did. I think it's going to be one of my personal favorites and I'm very happy that you enjoyed it. Mike |
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Packratmike Senior Member
since 2001-02-25
Posts 632California, USA |
mistyrose...I'm glad you stopped by to read this one. Thank you for the nice comments. Mike |
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Trillium 
since 2001-03-09
Posts 12098Idaho, USA |
This made me sad but then I re-read it and focused on all the wonderful memories you have, it seemed uplifting in a way that's hard to explain. Betty Lou Hebert |
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Packratmike Senior Member
since 2001-02-25
Posts 632California, USA |
Betty...I'm glad this bittersweet piece tugged at you like that. Thanks for reading and commenting. Mike |
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Songbird Member Elite
since 1999-12-15
Posts 2184Missouri |
These are my favorite lines, a poem that savors the memories of the past, i do not see any self pity here.. Personally I don't see the need for ( ) around the lines, i think it would probally read smoother without them, just my opinion of course. i can see your glow (in the distance) i can feel your warm breath (near my skin) i can smell the freshness of your radiant hair (above the pine and smoldering ashes) i can hear your sizzling whispers (in wet logs burning) and i can taste that sweet punch (now mixed with hot crimson tears that drip and run like strawberry Jell-O in the sun.....) |
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Packratmike Senior Member
since 2001-02-25
Posts 632California, USA |
Songbird...thank you for your remarks and suggestions, they are appreciated very much. Let me explain why I used ( ) in this poem. First of all, as I compose all of my poems I generally like to read them aloud as the work progresses. After they are read aloud, I sit back, listen to the words fresh in my head and think about the rhythm and flow. This may sound crazy but as I wrote this one, I kept hearing two voices...sort of a duet of thoughts and (afterthoughts). I see your point about it reading smoother without the ( ) and that thought had occurred to me but since this poem was almost given to me by those "two voices" I felt somewhat obligated to them. I may change it at a later date...have to think about it some more.*S* I'm glad you liked this one and thanks again for you input. Mike I had to come back and add this.... Maybe if you thought of this poem as me talking to her aloud or addressing her directly in my thoughts and then (collecting other thoughts or afterthoughts from the back of my mind). I hope this made some sense.*LOL* "HEY, DON'T THROW THAT AWAY, I MIGHT NEED IT SOMEDAY!!!" Packratmike [This message has been edited by Packratmike (edited 05-12-2001).] |
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Denise
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-08-22
Posts 22648 |
I have read this yet again, and it has, yet again, brought me to tears. Mike, you have written something that touches me so deeply that I will never forget it. It is, without a doubt, one of my all-time favorites. Thank you for writing it, and for sharing it with us. I'd love to have it posted on my site, with credit to you as the author and with a copyright notification of your choice along with it. If my site meets with your artistic approval, may I? Let me know. Here is the URL for my site, as well as my email. I look forward to hearing from you. http://artisticwords.homestead.com/home.html [email protected] |
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Martie
Moderator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-09-21
Posts 28049California |
Mike--You touch the heart so with this poem because you pull out small details of time with perfect imagery...so real and original and poignant. Beautifully done! |
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Packratmike Senior Member
since 2001-02-25
Posts 632California, USA |
Denise...thank you for your flattering remarks and request. Yes, I'd be very proud to have you use this poem on your site. I stopped by your site earlier and found it to be very beautiful and well organized. I'll e-mail you some info as soon as I can. Martie...thank you for your kind comments. I'm glad you stopped by to read and experience this poem. Mike |
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kitkat Senior Member
since 2000-01-11
Posts 878Nova Scotia |
Sad yet heart warming I liked the format of this giving us insite of your feelings and thoughts.(sighs) |
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Packratmike Senior Member
since 2001-02-25
Posts 632California, USA |
kitkat...thank you for reading and commenting. I'm glad you liked it.*S* Mike |
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ellie LeJeune Member Elite
since 2000-01-10
Posts 4156King of Prussia, PA USA |
Ah, i am so touched by these beautiful words, so sad and yet bittersweet...Ellie A friend hears the song in my heart, and sings it to me when my memory fails. |
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Packratmike Senior Member
since 2001-02-25
Posts 632California, USA |
Thanks Ellie, I'm glad they gave you a tug. Mike |
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Red_Feather Member
since 2001-01-19
Posts 131The Vagabond Sea |
I don't know what to say. You brought tears to my eyes, and strangely i needed that. I felt this deeply. You have captured the world after loss very well......and left me to hide in this boldness (that you taught me)...this line really got me. Also, i too sometimes feel that if others read something that was written from personal pain they will think it is a ploy for simpathy. I understand that is not your motivation. One's not half two it's two are halves of one EE Cummings |
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Packratmike Senior Member
since 2001-02-25
Posts 632California, USA |
Red Feather...I'm glad this touched you. Thanks for the nice comments. Mike |
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Suzanne Arlene Member
since 2000-10-09
Posts 377Ontario, Canada |
WOW that was so beautiful. I think the jello melts and goes into the readers soul.I will never look at jello the same again. Thank you so much . Suzanne |
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Packratmike Senior Member
since 2001-02-25
Posts 632California, USA |
Suzanne...glad I could leave an impression with you, even if it is a bit soggy.*S* Thank you. Mike |
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Panne447 Member
since 2001-04-03
Posts 196S.A. TX |
Mike, Wonderful. However, for what it is worth, I think you should delete those last 5 lines "but...same." I think it would have more impact without, more power and more punch. I think the reader can understand that it is not the same afterall a lot has happened from the start of piece to the end. Do you see what I mean? Email me if you'd like. Anyway, a wonderful piece. Panne |
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Packratmike Senior Member
since 2001-02-25
Posts 632California, USA |
Panne....good to see you back! Glad you liked this one and regarding the last 5 lines, I think you are right.*S* I've cut and pasted your remarks to my computer copy and will give it some more thought before I finalize. Thanks again.... Oh, here is the pantoum you missed...it's buried in archives: /pip/Forum27/HTML/003588.html Mike |
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RebeccaJoy Junior Member
since 2001-05-30
Posts 35 |
This struck me as a very gentle heartfelt writing. The emotion flows easily and is carried to the reader. Wonderful writing. |
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Midnitesun
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647Gaia |
Like tasting bittersweet chocolate dipped in powdered sugar...this fell from my lips as I read it, stirred a hidden memory, forced it to the surface for refreshment. Thanks. It's tastefully and beautifully written. |
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Midnitesun
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647Gaia |
Oops! I double dipped/double posted. [This message has been edited by Midnitesun (edited 05-30-2001).] |
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Packratmike Senior Member
since 2001-02-25
Posts 632California, USA |
RebeccaJoy...Thank you, glad you enjoyed.*S* Midnitesun...I enjoy the bittersweet myself..glad you liked this. Thanks.*S* |
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FoxXena Member
since 2001-06-13
Posts 141where dragons play, children run free and foxes are never hunted |
This was GREAT!! I loved the words that are used here, they are PERFECT!! *+*Would you be known by everybody? Then you know nobody.~ |
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