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drummerboy678
Member

since 2003-10-28

Posts 134

0 posted 2003-11-30 08:22 PM

This is the first, very rough draft of a poem I need for my creative writing class.  I just wanted to post it and get comments before I start revision.  (I know the puncuation is terrible).  I'm also going to add another section, dealing, ironically what the title and topic of the prompt is, World Peace.

Thanks

World Peace?

Stereotyped, uncaring concerns,
Ms. USA answers
what do we care,
about the world outside
our satiated cocoon?
Our knowledge of the world
only of the poor ****  on page 27
of the latest National Geographic.
“Poor little fellow”, now
where is the TV guide?

Concern?

Until our stomachs scream
for food, and our brain’s respond
with a "sorry" -----(I know I need to work on this line)
Until our eyes see death,
without the glassy screen of
the TV to shield us,
Until we experience the world
outside our own,
will we ever truly know.

So tell me, how probable is
Ms. USA's request of
"World peace and ending hunger",
when we all just want
someone to pass us the TV Guide?
Thanks for the comments.... I'll post back tommorrow with an update, but its due monday, so I wanted some advice before then.

Thank you.  And sorry for posting this is two forums... it's due tommorrow, and I was hoping for some suggestions before I revise it and turn it in.

Joyce Johnson

Member Rara Avis

since 2001-03-10

Posts 9912
Washington State

1 posted 2003-11-30 10:25 PM

I guess it's too late but I am sure your teacher gave you a good grade for your thoughtful comments on our lack of concern for the others of the world. Joyce

drummerboy678
Member

since 2003-10-28

Posts 134

2 posted 2003-11-30 10:32 PM

Thanks for responding Joyce. Not really too late... I always stay up real late before turning in these things.

Here's the copy I'm going to turn in though... I remembered it had to be somewhat positive (but I was struggling to make mine).

Anyways, comments would still be appreciated.

World Peace?

Stereotyped, uncaring concerns
Ms. USA answers
what do we care,
about the world outside
our satiated cocoon?
Knowledge only of the
poor kid on page 27
of the latest National Geographic.
“This world is a sad place”, now
where is the TV guide?

Concern?

Until our stomachs scream
for food, and our brain’s respond
with a “sorry”,
Until our eyes see death,
without the glassy screen of
the TV to shield us,
Until we break out of our
cosseted shelter, this world
we call home,
will we ever know the
Truth.

Only then will we realize
the impossibility of ending
world hunger, and the
hopelessness of world peace,
because of one thing.
US.
Human nature.

But please, try to
break this cycle of hate,
extend our blemished borders,
to truly see the world,
and help.
But just know,
that most people,
will just want you to
pass them the TV guide.

Thanks for reading

Mistletoe Angel

Member Empyrean

since 2000-12-17

Posts 32816
Portland, Oregon

3 posted 2003-12-01 10:07 PM

(big hugggsssssss) God Bless You, sweet friend, I too wish I knew more of the world outside my own nation, nevertheless I always make it an effort to read and experience more of the world around me so I can work in bringing the world together, as sadly that seems the only way to create world peace! (sad sigh) Many are too lazy to get to know the world beyond their couch and I think you get this disturbing point through so well, sweet friend, I continue to pray for world peace, good luck on your wonderful project, we all love you so much You have such a beautiful heart, thank you for sharing!

May love and light always shine upon you!

Love,
Noah Eaton

"You'll find something that's enough to keep you
But if the bright lights don't receive you
You should turn yourself around and come back home" MB20

SharaRose
Member Elite

since 2003-07-19

Posts 2501
Somewhere out there~

4 posted 2003-12-02 12:29 PM

WOW I really liked this. I have wanted for a long time to go to Africa. For a long time I have wished I had skills to heal the human body, and would love to be a relief there. Just today I saw on Oprah the African nation being addressed by the stars about the Apartheid, and the aids health issues they face. Places that have no electricity, and I think no running water. They make do, but I would love to be able to help with their health, and get to know the people, and live in their country, and be a positive, and constructive force in some way. That would be so awesome!!! This write was great...Much enjoyed!!!!

and

Love,
Terri~

p.s. Best of luck with your assignment.

[This message has been edited by SharaRose (12-02-2003 12:31 AM).]

drummerboy678
Member

since 2003-10-28

Posts 134

5 posted 2003-12-02 07:04 PM

Thanks for the great responses. I appreciate your feedback. I won't get the assignment back for a while, and I have yet to get anything more than a C for poems I've written, but I keep trying!

Thanks for taking the time to read this though.

midnightblues
Senior Member

since 2000-07-01

Posts 1597
Singapore

6 posted 2003-12-03 10:48 AM

Hello!

this is quite straightforward, very modern. I like it!

Love
Michelle

If there cannot be equal in affection, then let the one with more be me - midnightblues

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