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Mouse |
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ObeyYourGoldfish Junior Member
since 2003-05-18
Posts 12 |
Behind the bulk tank, surrounded by trash Shivering more with every crash This is his house Outside the window i silently root for the mouse The farmers gone mad, had enough Sick of finding nests of fluff Throwing things off shelves Ripping away everything, he will be found Beyond the window i watch without a sound Somewhere in those black eyes i see myself, Hiding from the world, yet always being observed, Willing for solitude, yet never being left alone. The mouse freezes, a quiet stone the hunter is just inches from him Suddenly the farmer gives up in disgust His whiskers twitch, fear still in his eyes Slowly he relaxes, muscle after muscle unclenching I turn away a smile on my face And go my own way. I wrote this at midnight.. it sounded alot better in my head. I think im showing my true farm girl qualities here... i dont really like how it sounds. So if you have any sugggestions on how to revise it please let me know. You say Freak like it's a bad thing... |
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| © Copyright 2003 Breah Burton - All Rights Reserved | |||
Joyce Johnson
since 2001-03-10
Posts 9912Washington State |
Interesting story. the only thing that confused me, it sounded as though it was the farmer's whiskers twitching. Joyce |
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ObeyYourGoldfish Junior Member
since 2003-05-18
Posts 12 |
Thanks Joyce, I think you're right. Would: I see the grey statue twitch his whiskers, fear still in his eyes.. work better than~ His whiskers twitch, fear still in his eyes? Or do you have other suggestions? Anybody? You say Freak like it's a bad thing... |
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midnightblues Senior Member
since 2000-07-01
Posts 1597Singapore |
Dear Breah, I've got no suggestions but this is an interesting take on capturing the fight for survival... I've not welcomed u to passions yet. WELCOME!!!!  big huGs If there cannot be equal in affection, then let the one with more be me - midnightblues™ |
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KristieSue
since 2003-01-31
Posts 1460PA, US |
lol this was cute... and I love your name! Failure isn't failure if a lesson from it is learned ~ KS |
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Songbird Member Elite
since 1999-12-15
Posts 2184Missouri |
I liked this alot it is very original and so is your pen name. Nothing wrong with being a farmer's girl. Keep writing and posting will be looking for more of your poems. |
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passing shadows Member Empyrean
since 1999-08-26
Posts 45577displaced |
enjoyed this |
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