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A home without a wall, |
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Open Poetry #8
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Nature's Beauty ( suggestions welcome... it doesn't flow right to me...)
| Open Poetry #8 |
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Nature's Beauty ( suggestions welcome... it doesn't flow right to me...) |
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rosepetals25
since 2000-05-31
Posts 3076PA 
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I've been working on this for a few days.. and it still doesn't seem to be right to me yet.. any suggestions are more than welcome.  Nature’s Beauty The sunrise in the brisk morning air The world slowly awakening. Dew kissed leaves that sparkle Shining in the new day’s light White clouds fill the baby blue skies Soft and light, all shapes and sizes. Sunlight shining down from overhead Casting shadows that swirl and dance The day goes on as the daylight dims Twilight settles over the land. Brilliant colors fill the gradually darkening skies Blues, pinks, lavenders, oranges… Like fingers reaching towards the heavens. Do you ever stop and look around… Take the time to see the beauty That surrounds us everyday |
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| © Copyright 2000 Tara Baldridge - All Rights Reserved | |||
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ma miller Senior Member
since 2000-07-11
Posts 806 |
Nature's Beauty ... A sunrise in morning's brisk air World slowly awakens to behold Dew kissed sparkling leaves Shining in the new day’s light White clouds fill the baby blue skies Soft and light, of all shapes and size Sunlight shining down from overhead Casting shadows that swirl and dance The day goes on as the daylight dims Twilight settles over our eyes Brilliant colors fill darkening skies Blues, pinks, lavenders, oranges Fingers reaching towards the heavens Do you ever stop and look around Take the time to see the beauty On a new day's heavenly surround (just a suggestion) My calling before me, let quill be my offering; For to be called poet, no greater gift to receive. M.A. |
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ethome Member Patricius
since 2000-05-14
Posts 11858New Brunswick Canada |
You got the words, you need a dash of atmospheric mood, one tablespoon of arrangement, a pinch of rhyme, just a half a cap of chilled Liebrafamilch (for warmth), mix together generously and all those beautiful ingredients that you already have will start to flow like a Tindal, a JM, a Santos, and many many others just as worthy......watch how they all do it..it's amazing sometimes... |
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Bill Charles Member Patricius
since 2000-07-11
Posts 10619highways, & byways, for now |
Rosepetals25, This sounds good to me, a little more rhyming of words perhaps. The thoughts are definitely there. |
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Zion Junior Member
since 2000-07-23
Posts 33Melbourne Australia |
leave it as is Apoem like nature is never really finished beauty is in the eye of the beholder |
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rosepetals25
since 2000-05-31
Posts 3076PA |
MA Miller - I like that ending.. it fits the poem much better. Thank you for your input. ethome - I've seen how they do it and it is amazing. Bill - Rhyming.. no matter how much I would love to do that.. it's just not one of my strong points. I am always in awe of poets who can rhyme and keep the flow of the poem. I will attempt it though.. wish me luck..lol Zion - Thank you for your thoughts. I appreciate your input as well |
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T McCoy Member
since 2000-07-24
Posts 186 |
I wouldn't change it any. Course I change all my stuff....but...that's different. Tony |
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Walter Poe Senior Member
since 1999-10-13
Posts 787 |
I have to say i like this poem as it is but using the word THE to often makes many poems dull so this is my suggestion A sunrise in brisk morning air The world slowly awakens. Dew kissing sparkling leaves Glistens in the new day’s light White clouds fill baby blue skies Soft and light, all shapes and sizes. Sunlight shines down from overhead Casting shadows swirling and dancing The day slows as the daylight dims Twilight settles over the land. Brilliant colors fill gradually darkening skies Blues, pinks, lavenders, oranges… Like fingers reaching towards the heavens. Do you ever stop and look around… Taking time to see the beauty That surrounds us everyday Oh Danny boy, the pipes, the pipes are calling From glen to glen, and down the mountain side The summer's gone, and all the roses falling 'Tis |
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Butterflies_dont_cry Member Elite
since 2000-03-06
Posts 3733Michigan |
I love the idea of this one... we each have our own ideas on how they should flow and I've found the more I work with my the MORE "off" they sound to ME ...have quite a few sitting waiting to be blessed with "flow". Great imagery and feeling in this piece whether it flows right to you or not  |
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Mark Bohannan Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-21
Posts 7269In the winds of Cherokee song |
Nature in itself has no even flow. Your words and the vision are still there and the flow you seek may be the one you want to ignore. It is hard for me critic someone elses works as I spend much time beating myself up over mine. |
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Archives
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Open Poetry #8
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Nature's Beauty ( suggestions welcome... it doesn't flow right to me...)
