»
Archives
»
Dark Poetry #2
»
Hard, Cold, Desirable
| Dark Poetry #2 |
|
Hard, Cold, Desirable |
|
|
Kethry Member Rara Avis
since 2000-07-29
Posts 9082Victoria Australia 
|
Your lips are warm, sun-drenched warm You scare me half to death Your smile is cold, glacial cold Enough to freeze my breath. Your hands are soft, feather soft As you caress my cheek Your heart is hard, obsidian hard You drain me, leave me weak Your voice is deep, ocean deep You fill me with desire You look so innocent while you sleep For you I'd go through fire. You're in command, you pull the strings Your puppet now am I Say you love me, give me wings In bliss I gladly die. "It is the image in the mind that links us to lost treasures; but it is the loss that shapes the image, gathers the flowers weaves the garland."- |
||
| © Copyright 2000 Lynne Dale - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Professor Gloom Member Elite
since 2000-07-23
Posts 3082of Depression |
I liked this, although the -drenched in the first line seemed to me to not quiet fit the flow, I am at a loss to suggest any thing better. I particularly like the loss of form of the last stanza, like the cutting of the strings. Well done Gloom |
||
|
ilph Member
since 2000-07-28
Posts 78 |
oh i really like the beauty of the rhymes in this one. Drenched to me fits wonderfully. Thanks for posting a work of such consumption. |
||
|
Deborah1 Senior Member
since 2000-06-22
Posts 653New Hampshire |
Kethry, sometimes I love to write in rhymes, and this read perfectly to me!! Loved the whole thing!! Wonderful metaphors..all around excellent!! The fragrance always stays in the hand that gives the rose...--Hada Bejar |
||
catalinamoon
since 2000-06-03
Posts 9543The Shores of Alone |
The one I felt the most was"your voice is deep, oceans deep, you fill me with desire" I can hear his voice, and your desire. Whew. I am there with you. Catalinamoon |
||
|
Wren Member
since 2000-07-05
Posts 312 |
Oh wow!*sob* *Gets a keenex and blows her nose loudly* This poem is really pretty! It made me cry! The contrasts you added gave your poem impact and you pulled off some really creative rhymes! I also found it really easy to relate to...but enough about that! Good job, keep'em coming!  -Wren The thread of destiny Unknown by anyone Unseen by anyone Winds around your heart Moist with tears -Vampire Princess Miyu Theme |
||
|
kynder Senior Member
since 2000-04-11
Posts 537Tallahassee, Florida |
your imagery is wonderful... especially the opposites of sundrenched and glacial, feather and obsidian. excellent! kynder Sunshine can not bleach The snow, Nor time unmake what Poets know. Ralph Waldo Emerson |
||
|
LM Senior Member
since 2000-08-03
Posts 585 |
Wonderful poem, particulary I liked the second verse. Peace! LM. |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
