»
Archives
»
Open Poetry #9
»
Far Away Love
| Open Poetry #9 |
|
Far Away Love |
|
|
chic Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 245yellville, Ar, U.S. |
You once were always here with me for all those days. You once were always near loving me many ways. Then came the day you left My eyes, never to see. My love for you, did cleft as Moses did the sea. Some sad, dark days I knew waiting for your return. While bright days, they all flew leaving me but to yearn. Then that fateful day came that day you called me. While hiding my deep shame I shouted out with glee. Then as I heard the news that I dread so very much. It was like an old fuse frayed,and worn out, as such You were no longer here with me all those days. You were no longer near loving me many ways. [This message has been edited by chic (edited 09-15-2000).] |
||
| © Copyright 2000 Barbara Mendoza - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Steve B Member
since 2000-08-07
Posts 140Southern PA |
Chic ~ a very well worded poem of deep feeling.... if your meter were more consistent, it would read much smoother....I hope you don't mind but I reset your poem to a 6-beat meter below as example......and I used caps for my changes and additions You once WERE ALWAYS here with me FOR ALL THOSE DAYS. You once WERE ALWAYS near loving me many ways. Then CAME THE DAY you left MY EYES, never to see. My love for you, DID cleft as Moses did the sea. Some SAD, dark days I knew waiting for your return. WHILE bright days, THEY ALL flew LEAVING ME BUT TO yearn. THEN THAT FATEFUL day came THAT DAY when you called me. WHILE hiding my DEEP shame I shouted OUT with glee. Then AS I HEARD the news that I dread so VERY much. IT was like an old fuse FRAYED, AND worn out, as such You were no longer here with me ALL THOSE DAYS. You were no longer near loving me many ways. I did this as an example of meter and flow, if I changed the meaning in any way, it was just to create the flow....if you would like more information on meter and basic poetry forms... try this site, it is very well done and easy to understand........ http://woods.bianca.com/shacklet/the_biki It is Biki's poetry workshop....an Aussie that is very helpful and can be contacted for consultation and to answer questions... watch out though for his outward charm ... he is a bit of a rogue..  but his site is an excellent place to learn form poetry..the reason I read this poem is that I wrote apoem of the same title over a year ago and is a subject close to me and it brought that memory back... so here is my poem of the same title.......it is one of my first form poems, this is a variation of one of the french repeating forms... I cant remember if it is a rondel or a rondeau...hmmmmm or maybe neither...any way here it is... Far Away Love You are so far away from me, Yet my love continues to grow, Though sometimes it is hard to see. You are so far away from me, Each day, with you I long to be. I wait and ache, because I know, You are so far away from me, Yet my love continues to grow. I wait and ache, because I know, You are so far away from me, But always know, I love you so. I wait and ache, because I know, Until we meet and kiss, tears flow. Though knowing someday, this will be, I wait and ache, because I know, You are so far away from me. S. 1999 hope I was of some help....I know Biki helped my poetry very much..... SB“The union of the mathematician with the poet, fervor with measure, passion with correctness, this surely is the ideal” |
||
|
chic Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 245yellville, Ar, U.S. |
Thanx steve  I haven't been writing poetry much lately and when I came to the netpoets site I was just hit with a bunch of words and I tried to fit them together, not only that, but an old friend that moved inspired that jumble of words when he finally got in touch with me...but anyway thanx for the help and as you can see I took your advice.Thanx again "Life is a game and we have to play, but in the end...we all die."-by me! |
||
Victoria
since 2000-08-12
Posts 5869 |
Very nice chic..I had to laugh at Steve's comment because biki happens to be my sweetheart ha ha..although i dont write in his forum anymore. |
||
|
Sven
since 1999-11-23
Posts 14937East Lansing, MI USA |
chic, this is an excellent poem. . . I wish that I could have read it in its original form before you decided to edit it. . . Superb. . . -------------------------------------------------------- That which gives light must endure burning --Victor Frankl |
||
|
Beth Member
since 2000-07-06
Posts 468WA, Australia |
~This sounds like it was written straight from the heart. I hope this gave you some light and cleared the picture for you. I enjoyed this read!~ ~Cherie~ |
||
|
chic Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 245yellville, Ar, U.S. |
*Takes a bow* and holding the award say's "I would like to thank all involved in this situation, and my parents for giving me the inspiration, and God for the will to do it all." Thank You Thank You!!!!!! *blows a kiss to all* "Life is a game and we have to play, but in the end...we all die."-by me! |
||
|
chic Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 245yellville, Ar, U.S. |
*bump* "Life is a game and we have to play, but in the end...we all die."-by me! |
||
|
chic Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 245yellville, Ar, U.S. |
*bump* "Life is a game and we have to play, but in the end...we all die."-by me! |
||
|
sweetcollege_girl Senior Member
since 1999-12-03
Posts 872just about where I want to be |
ok..ok..you can quit bumping..I found it! he he.. Nice poem here sis...and may I ask who the friend was who moved away? Does his name start with an "S"?  ~*~SCG~*~ "Poetry is what makes the invisible appear"-Unknown |
||
|
JamesMichael Member Empyrean
since 1999-11-16
Posts 33336Kapolei, Hawaii, USA |
chic I enjoyed reading this...James |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
