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Open Poetry #9
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This is what now was
| Open Poetry #9 |
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This is what now was |
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Jaysun C Member
since 2000-07-20
Posts 56 |
The mysteries of our time have sourd We are whats left of the sun Funneled through bright eyes run Flows presence the power and overcum Staring, Staring at their life run Rolled up sleaves show work tired eyes rolled back to layers folding layers Come join my senses to the heavens Glowing cool fire, passion desire How to now lay and dye to feel as large as the nite sky to velvet licking grass over nite blue clouds blow Silence will roll through my mind it's probably beter if you don't understan |
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| © Copyright 2000 Jaysun C - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Jaysun C Member
since 2000-07-20
Posts 56 |
thanks you guys, i try to write to all of you and you give me nothing no your writing sucks ? no your spelling sucks ? come on people why don't you just tell me how much this poem if you even want to call it that just plain sucks i actualy enjoy criticism more than complaments so please let loose your angst on my writing ome on, hurt me! |
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Sudhir Iyer Member Ascendant
since 2000-04-26
Posts 6943Mumbai, India : now in Belgium |
Jaysun, About your poem here, I liked a few lines particularly "Silence will roll through my mind" Yes, you need to improve on your spelling... Finally, I would say that you should not feel frustrated about the responses... It has been what, only about 15 minutes since you posted this perhaps... and this time of the day is quite quiet too... and if you actually feel you need criticisms, please feel free to post in Critical Analysis forums. That forum is solely aimed at passing critiques for bettering the poems etc... all in good spirit of course... So relax and enjoy yourself here... and (please do a spell check before you post...  )regards, sudhir |
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Jaysun C Member
since 2000-07-20
Posts 56 |
I just want people say someting sucks if it does instead of pretending like it is good, thats the problem with the world today thanks for the advice though Sudhir i went to privat school all my life thats why i cant spell, i lost my dictionary when i moved and web tv has no spell check sorry for the pain it may have caused |
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Meadowmuse Member Elite
since 1999-12-27
Posts 3263 |
Jaysun, frankly I found this poem rather enchanting. You've a lot of sensory references and the lack of punctuation gives it something of a stream of consciousness feel. "We are whats left of the sun" "to feel as large as the nite sky to velvet licking grass over nite blue clouds blow" ~ just a couple of the lines I found most compelling. As I was reading, I actually wondered if the spellings were intentional, as they appear to be. Hope you'll keep writing. I believe you've got a lot to say. ~ Claire Could a greater miracle take place than for us to look through each other's eyes for an instant?......Henry David Thoreau |
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Jaysun C Member
since 2000-07-20
Posts 56 |
Claire- Thank you for your coments, Some of the spelling is suposed to be the way it is because thats the way I want the word to sound, or at least it sounds rite in my head but then sometimes I just cant spell, lack of attention span in school I think oh well, I was also very very angry last nite, but thats more of a personal problem Sudhir- I would like to thank you again too for the advice, I should not be so angry 1, sorry =( |
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