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Open Poetry #9
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Silent Soliliquy (for English workshop challenge)
| Open Poetry #9 |
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Silent Soliliquy (for English workshop challenge) |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738
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ssshhh...softly, in succulence... seemingly sad silence sleeps... suspended-- safe--a sure surpass-- saving souls-- save sorrow's sweep. ---Hear her-- Herald! Hell hath horror! (Help her...) Heal... Belief be borrowed. Whoredom hearts of habit, hollows... serenely, silently, free follows... tortured, treasured, taunts tomorrows-- Silence screams... she softly sorrows. *did not quite know where to post, but because it is a "workshop challenge", I am open for critique... just remember...I know "wrastlin' moves.." [This message has been edited by serenity (edited 09-02-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 serenity blaze - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Janet Marie Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554 |
lol...is that mud or jello wrastlin  and can i play too ...  serenely, silently, free follows... tortured, treasured, taunts tomorrows-- Silence screams... she softly sorrows. ========================== dont know what the challenge was... (i see the letter repetition) but i do so love this poem... its soooo....YOU ... and thats a good mmm mmm good thing... love you me ================= ache of again angst and anger always alone feel the flame feed the fire fear the fall depressed and denied desire and destiny detach and depart sigh of sweet sin screams below skin suffer in silence say my name make me insane never again the same ... ache of again ache of again ache ache ache .... ache. jm |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Janet Marie...I truly love you!!! You're my girl and always have been...and if that give's 'em something to talk about, so be it. I love you much, and miss you. |
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Sudhir Iyer Member Ascendant
since 2000-04-26
Posts 6943Mumbai, India : now in Belgium |
O Serene One, you have well met the challenge.... excellent work... regards, sudhir If you need discussion on this one, I suppose you have to post this on/move to the English Forum.... check with an e-mail to Chris/Kamla or a question in the thread...  |
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Mark Bohannan Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-21
Posts 7269In the winds of Cherokee song |
I would say that you have met the challenge quite well and supassed it by far. Beautifully stunning in it's presentation.  |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Thanks everybody, but I suppose I posted this in the wrong durned place again...lol...go figure...if somebody in the know and with know how reads this...putit where it belongs, and please...no comments from the gallery about THAT....lol from serenity |
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brian madden Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 4374ireland |
Firstly delighted to see Janagator back among us even if it is only a flying visit. now on to serenity's poem, I have no idea what the challenge is but what it is it seems to me that you aced it. Excellent poem. "I concede relationships have left me weak Won't be here so I don't care Look for something worthy to replace my guilt" Mansun legacy |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
I'd love to find something wrong with it just so we could wrassle....but I can't. Can we, anyway?????? |
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JnR4eva Member
since 2000-08-07
Posts 377Bronx, NY |
hey there serenity...lovely poem, i love the alliterations very much....they flow well..being that u are open for some critique i was wondering if perhaps the line.. "Belief be borrowed." should be excluded from the piece b/c u have the H's and the S's and the T's...but u have only one line of B's and it seems out of place u know?...as for whoredom i just wanted to say that i think it was a nifty idea to have that there b/c it sounds like H but really begins with W... i like that a lot....besides that serenity i thought this poem was lovely and you truly done a beautiful job expressing these thoughts...all i suggested was simply an opinion much respect.< !signature--> "my love is my motivation my love is my inspiration perception of this poem is your interpretation" -- rlt [This message has been edited by JnR4eva (edited 09-02-2000).] |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Thank you Jn...and that line...well it had me scratching my own head...but I could not think of another way to express the idea without changing the alliterative (?) format...any suggestions? |
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JnR4eva Member
since 2000-08-07
Posts 377Bronx, NY |
serenity i wish i could help you maximally but i am unable to do that respectively b/c i don't know what exactly your intentions were for your poem..however i shall simply put in one line and see if it remains true to ur theme...sorry i couldn't be more of a help  * To make it even harder I just realized that they rhyme with another word...that makes it so much more difficult  ... let me see what I can do *---Hear her-- Herald! Hell hath horror! (Help her...) Heal... {{Heresy hauler.}} Whoredom hearts of habit, hollows... serenely, silently, {{sadly swallows}} i noticed that the F's were there to and i thought maybe that should go too..i tried to remain true to ur work..i hope it was somewhat insightful even if they don't make much sense "my love is my motivation my love is my inspiration perception of this poem is your interpretation" -- rlt |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Jn--I forgot about the "f"'s too, and that may well be a first too...but I like what you did with this...thanks for taking the time to mull this over with me...I thank you much. |
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Butterflies_dont_cry Member Elite
since 2000-03-06
Posts 3733Michigan |
OHHHHH S'eny Girl! I wish I had HALF of the talent and dedication that you've got! I don't know what the workshop challenge was but regardless this was stunning work!! [This message has been edited by Butterflies_dont_cry (edited 09-04-2000).] |
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