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As coiled as a spring, but straight as straightness - simile challenge attempt
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As coiled as a spring, but straight as straightness - simile challenge attempt
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As coiled as a spring, but straight as straightness - simile challenge attempt |
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Sudhir Iyer Member Ascendant
since 2000-04-26
Posts 6943Mumbai, India : now in Belgium 
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Well here it is my attempt at similes... I have added a new flavour to this one... used 2 muses (I hope that is not cheating)... the words are strangely arranged... making me look as wild as a tornado...  Anyway, here it is ... suggest a good title anyone... In one solitary glance, A single sweeping glance My eyes met yours And I became yours Your eyes Smiled entranced You enraptured me entranced With you by my side, cradling I was as curled as a creeper, Arms entwined, a weakling On your love's stem, a pauper. With love discovered, I Was like a child possessed With a newly gifted toy And this put you off, I guess. Mowing down this creepy vine, Left me throttled and helpless Cutting down my only life-line As deprived as the homeless In one solitary slash, A single sweeping slash My eyes met tears And I became tears Your eyes flashed disgust You gifted me disgust Nothing to do, nowhere to go I headed to pebbled seaside, With a bruised battered ego, I felt as down as the low tide. No arm to hold, no smile to behold, My heart cried like a rainy sky, Weeping, my bleeding soul got sold, At a lowly price, heart willed to die. Suicide was never a motive at all Always a dirty act of a weak heart, But then, who could pacify a morale As listless as an aimless lost dart In one solitary flash, A single meteoric flash My eyes saw hope And I became hope Angel showing righteous path Life discovered own path -------- any good? -------- < !signature--> Death, be not proud, though some have called thee, Mighty and dreadful, for thou art not so; - John Donne [This message has been edited by Sudhir Iyer (edited 07-18-2000).] |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
Of course it's good! I find it interesting the mix of metaphor and simile in this Sudhir. Was that intentional? It created kind of a jerky read, as you may have intented with our "tornado" theme!  To leave the criticism to those more capable of it (hehe, right!) I only want to ask about one small thing. Suicide was never a moral at all Always a dirty act of a weak heart But then who justifies the morale As listless as an aimless lost dart. What I'm curious about is the "morale" in the third line. Was it intentional to include this? I read "morale" as the mood of a given "group." Yet in context, I feel that it should be readin "moral." (How to "justify" a mood???) Just curious! Otherwise, a very creative piece! Christopher |
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Sudhir Iyer Member Ascendant
since 2000-04-26
Posts 6943Mumbai, India : now in Belgium |
Hey Chris... I am glad that it turned out to be good... Most things in this poem are intentional, and in my enthusiasm for posting this one, I missed correcting a few words with that stanza there... actually meaning has been quite different than intended Suicide was never a moral at all Always a dirty act of a weak heart But then who justifies the morale As listless as an aimless lost dart I re-edited my poem on my editor but not at the site... should have been ... Suicide was never a motive at all Always a dirty act of a weak heart, But then, who could pacify a morale As listless as an aimless lost dart the morale ends with a sound like all with some stress on the 'l's... and then the morale is listless as that of a lost dart... I considered the dart being personified and having a great morale when its on the way to strikes its destination and have none at all if it fails and falls wasted.... and so on... I hope that the explanation is satisfactory... I will change the stanza now... Thanks for pointing out. regards, sudhir. P.S. I am still  as crazy as  on leaving criticism to the more capable comment |
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Jamie Member Elite
since 2000-06-26
Posts 3168Blue Heaven |
Sudhir, I like the tornado reference, it does seem to fly around the page, as well as in my head. I was also curious as to whether parodox was inferred intentionally in the lines ---In one solitary glance, A single sweeping glance---- and---In one solitary flash, A single meteoric flash--- The way you slipped in the syllepsis? with tears was clever also. In fact the entire poem is replete with ambiguous terms and phrases.... all in all I liked it very much. |
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Sudhir Iyer Member Ascendant
since 2000-04-26
Posts 6943Mumbai, India : now in Belgium |
Jamie, Thanks for your rave review here.... I am giggling away... Yes paradox was intended... but syllepsis, this ignorant one did not know of, even what it meant... I tried some metaphor with tears... and you say it suggests syllepsis... wow, its like I did??? a quizzical rhetoric... I am used to pushing in ambiguous metaphors, at times not very poetic, but I guess I am turning fairly experimental these days... I hope I managed the right visuals though, because that usually is what sets me on... I tried free form with repetition of words and arranging them, I hope I did well with that too... Thanks for all your words... and with your knowledge about poetry in the background, I feel very happy... and honoured regards, sudhir |
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As coiled as a spring, but straight as straightness - simile challenge attempt
