»
Main Forums
»
English Workshop
»
like chum to the sharks, I offer up my similes
| English Workshop |
|
like chum to the sharks, I offer up my similes |
|
|
Jamie Member Elite
since 2000-06-26
Posts 3168Blue Heaven 
|
I Am Elegant As A Clown With eyes as lazy as a shifting cloud He drank in her beauty as if she were wine Lifting his head like a peacock proud His countenance radiant -like the sun did shine The smile on his face as paint to a clown He strolled to her side as cool as mountain air Thinking that like Jericho her walls would come down Innocent as flowers in baby's hair With a look that was as dark as satan's laugh and a voice soft as a whispering breeze She called him slimy like a newborn calf The impact like tragic holiday news His look was as lifeless as Monday's church pews She left him standing like a dead tree to muse < !signature--> Jamie Tu ne cede malis, sed contra audentior ito. - Virgil. "Yield thou not to adversity, but press on the more bravely". [This message has been edited by Prometheus (edited 07-12-2000).] |
||
| © Copyright 2000 Jamie Patterson - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Dark Angel Member Patricius
since 1999-08-04
Posts 10095 |
Jamie... WOW! this is fantastic, loved the way you arranged your similes, beautifully done my dear  Every line paints a vivid picture. Love it Yes, I am here, but I am dead, not alive, my body goes on, my spirit has died and I though alive, feel dead inside. "Rose Petal" |
||
|
Romy Senior Member
since 2000-05-28
Posts 1170Plantation, Florida |
I wondered again, about the difference between metaphor and similie, but your poem definitely makes it clear! Great example of similie! I can't wait to give it a try myself! Debbie |
||
|
Jamie Member Elite
since 2000-06-26
Posts 3168Blue Heaven |
Was going to change the title but it would not let me. |
||
|
Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
heh heh.. this was pretty clever Jamie .. a sonnet packed with simile .. i have some more to say about it though .. back afetr i've had a bath ........ I hope .....lol P |
||
|
Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
..humm nearly outta time here jamie .. just wanted to say that even though you haven't followed the "strict" sonnet rhythm and meter (iambic pentameter) this did not detract from my enjoyment. I'm seeing more and more contemporary sonnets which pretty much ignore the old rules .. other than having 14 lines ... lol...everything else seems to be up for grabs! in fact the meter in your poem was quite interesting .. first line ... strictly iambic and pentameter the second line is amazing ..lol...: he DRANK in her BEW ty as IF she were WINE pure dactyl i think and a quite lovely line incidentally the insertion of one word (so) into the third line would have rendered that into pure dactylic pentameter as well!! ...so: LIFT ing his HEAD like a PEA cock so PROUD and similarily the removal of "the" in the fourth has the same effect: his COUNT te nance RA di ant LIKE sun did SHINE and so on ...lol you revert to iambic later in the sonnet .. maybe there are a few places in the piece where i stumbled a bit in reading it out loud .. but then that could just be me !! Certainly some Kiwi's hereabouts will say it IS me...heh heh.. interesting piece thanks jamie |
||
|
Rayz Junior Member
since 2000-07-14
Posts 13Fresno, CA, U.S.A |
Jamie, that is a awsome poem, I really love similies and the way you used them was just breath taking. Ray |
||
|
Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
The fact that you managed to get a simile into every line blows me away like a feather...(hehe) There is no way I could've done this...no way at all... lol again - as with Debbie's, if it had not been your intent to produce your poem this way I might have thought it was overdone...but, nope, given the line of intent - wonderful stuff! 'Innocent as flowers in baby's hair' I find this an unusual take - usually it is baby's that are innocent and not the flowers in their hair - I love that... I was wondering about this one thing though...'The smile on his face as paint to a clown' - do you think it might not be a tiny bit cliched? (Ask Chris - I am obssessed with these things...) I know that is not necessarily a bad thing...I just don't feel, considering that the rest is so original, that it fits well there. What do you think? Now, as Philip has given this a huge structural going over - thankye Sir P - I will leave you alone now...lol. K |
||
|
Sudhir Iyer Member Ascendant
since 2000-04-26
Posts 6943Mumbai, India : now in Belgium |
Hey Jamie, looks like I am quite late here... they have said all that needed to be said... and I being no master at any structure, I will just stay in my place and applaud... I could read what I was looking for and enjoyed it all the way... A wonderful poem indeed! regards, sudhir |
||
|
Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
Hi there! First, what would you like the title to be? Either Severn or I can change it for you if you'd like! Let one of us know!  Second: As usual, I have to disagree with Kamla. (Partially just because I want to, but mostly, just because I do The smile on his face as paint to a clown This line, ironically enough, stuck out to me as the strongest in the entire piece. (Which was marvellously active as a whole!) While I can grudgingly see where she might consider it cliche, I think that presented as you have and in context, it is anything but. This line represents so much in so few words! The obvious being the way "we" walk around in our masques, showing on the outside only that which we want others to see. Along with that, it represents the protective covering the paint affords the clown (another reference... clowns being both the fool and a source of good feelings/laughter as well as a mime for any other emotion...) In all, I think that the part Kamla so ruthlessly picked on is one of the strongest in the piece!Christopher |
||
|
Jamie Member Elite
since 2000-06-26
Posts 3168Blue Heaven |
First of all; Thanks for the critiques, I truly do appreciate them. I will attempt to answer some of your questions. (even WS had 5-1/2ft in some of his sonnets...lol) It is indeed overdone with simile- my own misunderstanding of the task-(to write in similes in a manner that makes the whole work a simile in itself)...my apolgies for that. The Clown: The simile of the poem is that of the title-- yes it is a tired old cliche' ; but I needed it(bad as a hog needs slop)..to make not only the inferences that Christopher mentioned but that the person himself was fake, as was his smile, hiding his inadequacy under a mask of jovial confidence. -Which the object of his desire saw through as is obvious; therefore making his entire play-as elegant as a clown.... Again my apologies for the misunderstanding. |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
