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Sudhir Iyer
Member Ascendant
since 2000-04-26
Posts 6943
Mumbai, India : now in Belgium

0 posted 2000-07-06 08:43 AM


I tried a bit, thought a bit too (surprised myself) and came up with this, kindly tell me if this is any good...

Regards and thanks - Sudhir

In search of a soothing breeze
-----------------------------------

You flew in, a soothing breeze
From through the westward window,
Calming the summer's dirty crease,
Wiping off sweat from my brow.

You came shining in moonlit shadows,
Whispering verses of love's halo glow,
Ruffled feathers of your butterfly wings,
I stroked, sitting besides in breezy swing.

Pausing between our rock-steady glances,
I stared, got lost in the starlit blanket,
An amazing form shone, the Orion advance,
You said, I'd lost interest, caused a racket.

You took off after a heated talk,
Said you wanted to have a long walk,
Amidst deathly silence of this heart,
Broken, love spilled, soul ripped apart.

A passionate flame still in its burn,
In these dark rooms of my winter home,
My heart for you, still does yearn,
Seasons changed, but I continue to roam.

I walk untried paths in a mystical potato race,
Searching for your love, magic of your grace,
An embrace, a lingering kiss, is all I desire,
To drown the pains and douse my heart's fire.

----- fingers crossed, I await your comments -----

© Copyright 2000 Sudhir Iyer - All Rights Reserved
Severn
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704

1 posted 2000-07-06 09:30 AM


Hey Mr Sudhir...just to let you know I'll be getting to this soon as...it's hideously late right now and I couldn't possibly do justice to it - sheesh - still have to write one myself!

K

brian madden
Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 4374
ireland
2 posted 2000-07-06 06:21 PM


a very emotional offering to the challenge this one aches with emotions and very beautiful images. splendid.



A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single man contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral. Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

Poet deVine
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-26
Posts 22612
Hurricane Alley
3 posted 2000-07-06 07:54 PM


I do like it too...  
Romy
Senior Member
since 2000-05-28
Posts 1170
Plantation, Florida
4 posted 2000-07-07 09:01 AM


You put a lot of lovely images in your poem and I especially liked the first two stanzas,

You flew in, a soothing breeze
From through the westward window,
Calming the summer's dirty crease,
Wiping off sweat from my brow.

You came shining in moonlit shadows,
Whispering verses of love's halo glow,
Ruffled feathers of your butterfly wings,
I stroked, sitting besides in breezy swing.

Nice!
Debbie


Dark Angel
Member Patricius
since 1999-08-04
Posts 10095

5 posted 2000-07-08 09:46 AM


Love the imagery here Sudhir, your poem is very beautiful, filled with aching emotions. Loved it  < !signature-->

Yes, I am here, but I am dead, not alive,
my body goes on, my spirit has died
and I though alive, feel dead inside.

"Rose Petal"


[This message has been edited by Dark Angel (edited 07-08-2000).]

Sudhir Iyer
Member Ascendant
since 2000-04-26
Posts 6943
Mumbai, India : now in Belgium
6 posted 2000-07-10 05:39 AM


Hello all.

Well, guess what! I missed the "I am" line here completely... I had intended to add these lines at the end, somehow missed the last stanza ...

I am a pilgrim,
A chaser of dreams,  
In search of a soothing breeze.

Anyway, thats it.... about that one...
--------------
Kamla,
I am waiting for your comments on this... I myself have a few corrections/changes in mind, but lets see what you suggest first. feel free to point out ...

Brian,
Thanks a lot for your kind words of appreciation.

Poet deVine,
Thanks a lot... if you like this, then this must be good, right ???  

Debbie,
Thanks for pointing out the lines that you liked... Thanks for reading too...

Angel of Darkness,
I am glad that you loved it. Thanks  

Regards to all,
Sudhir.

I think this poem needs a bit of touch up, but I cant be sure of what exactly... so all suggestions/comments are welcome... Thanks in advance.

Sudhir Iyer
Member Ascendant
since 2000-04-26
Posts 6943
Mumbai, India : now in Belgium
7 posted 2000-07-10 10:35 AM


Hello all,
I came up with a rework of this poem... Now I don't know which one is better...

I thanks you in advance for any remarks you may have...

Many regards, sudhir.

So this is how it goes:

In search of a soothing breeze

In you flew, a soothing breeze,
From through the westward window,
Calming summer collar's dirty crease,
Wiping the sweat from my brow.

In you came, shining through moonlit shadows,
Ruffled feathers, I stroked, your butterfly wings,
Whispering sweet verses of love's glowing halo,
In your arms, I enjoyed, the breezy swing.

Pausing between our rock-steady glances,
I stared, got lost in the starlit milky blanket,
Gazing at the dazzle of the Orion advance,
You said, I'd lost interest, caused a racket.

You took off after a rather heated talk,
Leaving behind deathly silence in this heart,
Excused yourself on the pretext of a walk,
I stayed broken, love spilt, soul ripped apart.

Yet, a passionate flame remains still in its burn,
In these darkened rooms of my wintered home,
Pieces of my heart for you continues to yearn,
Seasons have changed, but I continue to roam.

I walk untried paths in a mystical potato race,
Searching for your love, magic of your grace,
An embrace, a lingering kiss, is all I desire,
To drown the pains and douse my heart's fire.

I am a devout follower, a pilgrim with a love disease,
A chaser of dreams, in search of a soothing breeze.
...




[This message has been edited by Sudhir Iyer (edited 07-10-2000).]

Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296
Purgatorial Incarceration
8 posted 2000-07-11 06:57 AM


...pilgrim with a love disease.

I think that's cool! Nice re-work Sudhir!


Severn
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704

9 posted 2000-07-11 10:26 AM


OKOK - so sorry my friend...I didn't mean to abandon you! I am here - so I will read both versions and actually comment from both ok???

    

I owe it to you! LOL...

verse by verse m'friend...(all copy and pastes are from your rewrite...)

One

'In you flew, a soothing breeze,
From through the westward window,
Calming summer collar's dirty crease,
Wiping the sweat from my brow.'

Ok - definitely stick to the first line here - it is much better, as is the last. However, I am not sure about 'summer collar's dirty crease'. It seems a little over burdened. I know what the desire was - to make the imagery sharper here...but I am not sure that 'calming' works too well with crease...I actually think the first version of this line is better and maybe if you replace it with perhaps 'Clearing'

So you would have:

In you flew, a soothing breeze,
From through the westward window,
Clearing the summer's dirty crease,

Thus you don't have to fight for the image - it is sharp.

I might be inclined to add an 'And' in front of Wiping

'And wiping the sweat from my brow.'

This breaks the two words suffixed by 'ing' and joins it all together - smoothes out the flow - I read it aloud, what do you think Sudhir?

Two

'In you came, shining through moonlit shadows,
Ruffled feathers, I stroked, your butterfly wings,
Whispering sweet verses of love's glowing halo,
In your arms, I enjoyed, the breezy swing'

There is some beautiful imagery here - I love 'breezy swing'

I can see that in line three you reversed halo and glow for the rhyme - but I don't feel that 'glowing halo' is quite strong enough - the sound is a tad long...what do you think of 'haloed glow'? I feel the sharper sound fits in with the rhythm of the verse. I also feel that the commas in the last line might be better omitted...I see that they match the second line, but try it without them...

So it would read:

'In you came, shining through moonlit shadows,
Ruffled feathers, I stroked, your butterfly wings,
Whispering sweet verses of love's haloed glow,
In your arms I enjoyed the breezy swing'

All in all a beautiful verse.

Three

'Pausing between our rock-steady glances,
I stared, got lost in the starlit milky blanket,
Gazing at the dazzle of the Orion advance,
You said, I'd lost interest, caused a racket'


This is pretty good here Suddy...
two things that leap out and hit me in the face are two little words that seem faintly inelegant: 'got' and 'our'

So I might simply omit them:

'Pausing between rock-steady glances,
I stared, lost in the starlit milky blanket,
Gazing at the dazzle of the Orion advance,
You said, I'd lost interest, caused a racket'

It just seems to tighten up the flow a tad.

I absolutely love this line:

'Gazing at the dazzle of the Orion advance,'

wonderful!      

Four

'You took off after a rather heated talk,
Leaving behind deathly silence in this heart,
Excused yourself on the pretext of a walk,
I stayed broken, love spilt, soul ripped apart.'

Now there is so much in this verse I like, especially 'Excused yourself on the pretext of a walk,' ...but the first line strikes me as highly discordant when compared to the rest. What do you think? I feel with fine tuning the line could read a little more poetically, my friend.

Perhaps 'Your light departed after burning talk'. The reason I put light and burning in is that it keeps with the extended metaphors of halos etc...

I also changed 'leaving' to 'left' - which is consistent with the past tense of 'stayed' and 'excused'. I thought perhaps the word order of the second line, when next to the 'burning talk' line read well changed around a little. I also thought it might read well if you remove the 'soul'...that extra syllable jars a tiny bit...and is perhaps an unnecessary image...as 'ripped apart' speaks quite loudly on its own.

So, we have:

'Your light departed after burning talk
Deathly silence left behind in this heart,
Excused yourself on the pretext of a walk,
I stayed broken, love spilt, ripped apart.'

Phew!  What do you think?      

Five

'Yet, a passionate flame remains still in its burn,
In these darkened rooms of my wintered home,
Pieces of my heart for you continues to yearn,
Seasons have changed, but I continue to roam. '


And this is just lovely - I love this Sudhir...only two minor things -  you have pluralised the first 'continues' - it doesn't need to be, and I honestly feel that the repetition of 'continue' in the fourth line renders the verse a little awkward.

Perhaps:

'Yet, a passionate flame remains still in its burn,
In these darkened rooms of my wintered home,
Pieces of my heart for you continue to yearn,
Seasons have changed, but I persist to roam. '

could work?

Six

'I walk untried paths in a mystical potato race,
Searching for your love, magic of your grace,
An embrace, a lingering kiss, is all I desire,
To drown the pains and douse my heart's fire.

Well - what can I say? I LOVE this! The imagery is so cool....'potato race' - how unusually beautiful...it is this kind of imagery that gives your poem its flavour. Just a question - why did you choose to change the rhyme scheme in this verse? So instead of abab it is aabb? I the non-rhymer is intrigued...

Seven

'I am a devout follower, a pilgrim with a love disease,
A chaser of dreams, in search of a soothing breeze.'

Wholeheartedly agreeing with Chris here - 'Pilgrim with a love disease' rocks!

So - all together:

In you flew, a soothing breeze,
From through the westward window,
Clearing the summer's dirty crease,
And wiping the sweat from my brow.

In you came, shining through moonlit shadows,
Ruffled feathers, I stroked, your butterfly wings,
Whispering sweet verses of love's haloed glow,
In your arms I enjoyed the breezy swing.

Pausing between rock-steady glances,
I stared, lost in the starlit milky blanket,
Gazing at the dazzle of the Orion advance,
You said, I'd lost interest, caused a racket.

Your light departed after burning talk
Deathly silence left behind in this heart,
Excused yourself on the pretext of a walk,
I stayed broken, love spilt, ripped apart.

Yet, a passionate flame remains still in its burn,
In these darkened rooms of my wintered home,
Pieces of my heart for you continue to yearn,
Seasons have changed, but I persist to roam.

I walk untried paths in a mystical potato race,
Searching for your love, magic of your grace,
An embrace, a lingering kiss, is all I desire,
To drown the pains and douse my heart's fire.

I am a devout follower, a pilgrim with a love disease,
A chaser of dreams, in search of a soothing breeze.

And so ends my lengthy blather...once again...sorry it took so long my friend...

          K







[This message has been edited by Severn (edited 07-11-2000).]

Sudhir Iyer
Member Ascendant
since 2000-04-26
Posts 6943
Mumbai, India : now in Belgium
10 posted 2000-07-11 11:11 AM


I LOVE THIS...  THE ALL OF IT and the COMPLETENESS OF IT.... WOW...

Kamla, Thanks a lot for helping me out.. really it felt wonderful to see you work at it...

If you happen to take a peek back...

I used calming as it had gone well with the soothing, but then with the collar, I had intended to get the neck being caressed by the soothing breeze, obviously did not work... so your version is preferred...
so are verses 2 and 3, nice job   I wouldn't have thought as much, thats why I am me and you are you, huh?  

well lets get to the fourth verse, first line

Your light departed after a burning talk

why not inflamed talk, making it:

Your light departed after an inflamed talk

The inflamed makes it in bound well with haloed and probably keeps an image flow to the first from the next verse, 'passionate flame'. this better?

fifth: 3rd line
continues was a mistake... yes, I would also add commas and make the line:
Pieces of my heart, for you, continue to yearn,
is that good? I feel so...
persist is good, much better... thanks...

The rest we agree already... he he  

Now for the rhyme scheme, if you note I had it a bit mixed up... I had "abab" followed by "aabb" earlier... Now I have it all as "aabb"... I felt the second was better... no other particular reason.. just uniformity..

by the way does the rhyme seem forced. I hope not!
and it was not a blather at all... it was tremendous help... I do hope that you come back to answer my small doubts here...

regards, sudhir.

P.S. I am trying to get this for the book as well, is that a good idea? I hope so  

[This message has been edited by Sudhir Iyer (edited 07-11-2000).]

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