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I Am Your Lifeblood (metaphor Challenge)
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I Am Your Lifeblood (metaphor Challenge) |
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Romy Senior Member
since 2000-05-28
Posts 1170Plantation, Florida |
My lifeblood flows through your veins, warm and comforting, fortified by the memory of those who came before me. I am the laughter in your voice, the sparkle in your blue eyes, the salt in your tears. You, my beloved child, lovingly created from the pieces of my heart, have suckled on the milk of my spirit, and grown fat on the skin and bones of your ancestors. Breathe me deeply, drink in the essence of my soul, let me nourish you with strength and endurance before you travel down the road of your destiny. I am the sweat on your brow, the determination in your step, the soft voice in your ear who urges you to discover, all the wonderful possibilities of life, that glitter like precious stones along the way. [This message has been edited by Debbie (edited 07-02-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 Deborah L. Carter - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Poet deVine
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-26
Posts 22612Hurricane Alley |
This is great...now let's see what the 'teachers' say!!  |
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Romy Senior Member
since 2000-05-28
Posts 1170Plantation, Florida |
Thanks Poetdevine! Reading this again, I can already see that I will need to edit but I will wait and see if anybody has suggestions! I have read your work and I know that you are one of the "great ones" on this web site! Doesn't that qualify you as a teacher too? Debbie |
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brian madden Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 4374ireland |
Hi Debbie, wow cool poem, challenge well met really enjoyed the poem. A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single man contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral. Antoine de Saint-Exupéry |
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Poet deVine
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-26
Posts 22612Hurricane Alley |
I read with my heart Debbie, so I don't always know what is the 'right' way to do things...a teacher? Not sure I qualify. But thanks for the compliment!! I do think this is powerful...the metaphors work for me! |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Hey Debbie, I really enjoy the way you have mixed your metaphor here...so it is kind of in reverse! So instead of something being you, you are something...eg...'the laughter' - that is such a nice perspective... This has a lovely flow about it..,very gentle - which to me reflects the nature of the topic, and I just love this line: 'have suckled on the milk of my spirit' wow... just one small thing: I am wondering if perhaps 'who urges you to discover' may read better as 'urging you...' - mainly because a voice is not generally denoted by a 'who' - unless it has been strictly personified, and although this is an 'I am' poem - lol - it still does not read as if the voice has been.  K |
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Romy Senior Member
since 2000-05-28
Posts 1170Plantation, Florida |
Hi Severn, I agree, the line sounds better by changing "who urges" to "urging". I also wonder about the line I used to describe passing down heritage from one to another; "grown fat on the skin and bones of your ancestors" Since I used "my" in the two lines above it, I'm thinking I should change "your ancestors" to "my ancestors". Maybe it would make more sense? Or maybe I should use a different line? I wasn't really sure if any of the lines that started with "I am" were really metaphors, but I think they are. Thanks for your feedback, any comments or suggestions from "other eyes" are always helpful! Debbie |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Hey Debbie...you're very welcome... I have carefully considered the line and feel that if you wished to keep it in its current format then it is fine with a 'your'. Replacing it with a 'my' changes the meaning somewhat - it effectively disowns the child of shared ancestors. Your heart and spirit however are yours alone. Also - by using the 'your' an awkward repetition of 'my' is avoided. A good thing! Now if you wanted to look at the line itself, as a whole. As it is now: I like the imagery it creates. The 'fat', held against the 'skin and bones' provides a nice paradox, and also emphasises rebirth and renewal...yet I do feel that the line is maybe a bit bulky and could be reshaped to flow a little smoother. Perhaps by changing the word order from 'have suckled on the milk of my spirit, and grown fat on the skin and bones of your ancestors.' to: 'on the skin and bones of your ancestors, grown fat.' Dropping the 'and' tightens it and I think the word order is a little more refreshing. What do you think Debbie? As to whether your I am's are metaphors - they are! For instance, 'have suckled on the milk of my spirit,' is a very clear metaphor... The key to this challenge was an extended metaphor...and you have done that. K[This message has been edited by Severn (edited 07-05-2000).] |
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Romy Senior Member
since 2000-05-28
Posts 1170Plantation, Florida |
Severn, I have thought a while about the change in the line "and grown fat on the skin and bones of your ancestors". I agree it is better without the and. Thanks for helping me tighten my poem up a bit! I'm glad that I have used extended metaphors but not sure what the difference is between metaphor and extended metaphor. Can you or anybody else tell me? Debbie |
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Sudhir Iyer Member Ascendant
since 2000-04-26
Posts 6943Mumbai, India : now in Belgium |
Debbie, This is vivid, a beautifully written piece. liked it much... metaphors and extended metaphors, I am sorry I would be of much help on that... have to ask the experts... regards, sudhir |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
Hey Debbie, a little late, but I wanted to throw my kudos to you in here as well... I too liked the reversal... uniqueness is good. In my op: the only unbreakable rule of poetry, is that there are no unbreakable rules! |
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