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Imagery Challenge - a repost from Open #8 - Thinking In The Rain
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Imagery Challenge - a repost from Open #8 - Thinking In The Rain |
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Sudhir Iyer Member Ascendant
since 2000-04-26
Posts 6943Mumbai, India : now in Belgium 
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Well, just to gain me some time, I submit my currently ongoing post on Open #8 for the challenge...by the way it is a book submission too... Meanwhile, if I really get working, I might just be able to do something with imagery, as similes and metaphors might float out of this obtusely protruded mind... Till then see if this has too much imagery or adequate imagery, or shabby images forced. I would be glad to know your expert opinions... ---------- Thanks ---------- Thinking In The Rain Giant clouds screamed out, terribly upset, In the distance, lightning blazed - a slap, Gusty winds had shaken their calm state, A deep-throated growl, a mighty thunderclap, Dragon-faced dark clouds began their assault, Furious, wild terror, struck with their wet wings, A parched, summer earth seemed to be at fault, Raindrops, small and large, fell; drew rounded rings. Puffs of dust from the cracked loose soil, Render her breathless, puddles take circled forms, With vision of mud and scent of musk, she uncoils - Sings harvest songs with beats of raindrop drums. Nature announces a change, from summer to monsoon, In fertile lands of the sublime Temperate Zone, With virgin maiden's breath comes the farmer's boon, Fresh grassy hair she combs a cosmic green tone Deep clouds still hang from mountaintops, As the sun peeps through the tall trees, A forest dense with velvety green props, Radiant with the rays, gleeful smile he frees. Across the misty green monsoon shroud An apparition seen amongst crowded clouds As I submit myself to a beauty rare A peacock holds out a rainbow fair. A beacon lit up from peacock feathers, Held me up, showed me the way of right, Dark clouds of doubt and guilt wither, Seven colours blended, divinely bright. ------------ |
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| © Copyright 2000 Sudhir Iyer - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Dusk Treader
Moderator
Senior Member
since 1999-06-18
Posts 1187St. Paul, MN |
Sudhir I think this strikes a great balance with imagery. I don't see any wasted words, but my grasp of poetry is only just begining. "Dragon-faced dark clouds began their assault" was a great image in my book. "Fresh grassy hair she combs a cosmic green tone" Cool! Liked that one much. I like this Sudhir, I think you struck a good balance. Abrahm Simons "Keep on dreamin' boy 'cause when you stop dreaming it's time to die" - Blind Melon |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
So's you don't think I've not noticed you Sudhir... I'll try to get to this soon. Chris |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
The first thing that strikes me here is the shift in tone - the first verse is very different to the last. Is this intentional or an accidental progression, Sudhir? The first are harsher than the last and this seems to follow the pattern of the imagery - a good thing to me! 'Giant clouds screamed out, terribly upset,' One thing - I am not too comfortable with the 'terribly' here. I feel you may need something a little stronger. Now I love this verse: "Dragon-faced dark clouds began their assault, Furious, wild terror, struck with their wet wings, A parched, summer earth seemed to be at fault, Raindrops, small and large, fell; drew rounded rings." This is superb - really good imagery that depicts easily what you are intending it to. (One thing - I would remove the semicolon from after 'fell' - that line may need to be fiddled with a little, as another comma there would make the line a little over burdened.  )I personally think you have achieved a good balance here with the imagery - perhaps a little too much in these two verses: 'Deep clouds still hang from mountaintops, As the sun peeps through the tall trees, A forest dense with velvety green props, Radiant with the rays, gleeful smile he frees. Across the misty green monsoon shroud An apparition seen amongst crowded clouds As I submit myself to a beauty rare A peacock holds out a rainbow fair.' The repetition of green detracts from the clean lines of the rest of the lines... This poem was a pleasure to read Sudhir... big smiles to you! K~Sleeping Beauty never knew how lucky she really was~ (Me) |
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Sudhir Iyer Member Ascendant
since 2000-04-26
Posts 6943Mumbai, India : now in Belgium |
Abrahm, Thanks for your very kind words... You picked out some of my favourite lines from this one...the cosmic green tone is a lift off for people who dye their hair (actually picked this up from football fans ... EURO 2000 is on these days...who colour themselves to match their national flag's colours)... glad you noticed that one... As for the dragon-faced clouds, well, its a picture which I have imprinted in my mind that dragons breathe fire and wreak terror, a feeling from the lightning and thunder during monsoon... well, childhood images help me here, do they not? Thanks for your read...a lot Chris, I will be waiting for you to place your findings on this one...rather impatiently... regards, sudhir [This message has been edited by Sudhir Iyer (edited 06-22-2000).] |
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Sudhir Iyer Member Ascendant
since 2000-04-26
Posts 6943Mumbai, India : now in Belgium |
Kamla, The shift in tone was actually accidental, well not exactly, I started building the last verse and realised this. I liked the flow in that direction and let it be. I usually do not rework my stuff a lot as soon as I write, since I make a mess of it and the work sometimes loses its heart and I get irritated...But when I get comments from others, with good reasons, and manage to rethink ( which is rare ) a rework is welcome like writing a completely new poem and I feel happy about it... I don't know why, but then that's me...Is "dreadfully" stronger and more suitable? "Raindrops, small and large, fell; drew rounded rings." I wanted to make this line like: "Raindrops fell, small and large, drawing rounded rings." but the length of the line bothered me a bit, is this more suitable... what do you think? Maybe I will take out the 'small and large' part and change it into something else... I know what you mean with the repitition of 'green'. The first and third were for the colour and the second was for the newness, I should have used 'fresh'. Maybe I tried more than necessary to make this a visual...hmm thinking... thinking...well I might as well write the whole thing again... Say if this is now better...I have removed a few punctuation marks also.... Thinking In The Rain Giant clouds screamed out, dreadfully upset, In the distance, lightning blazed - a slap, Gusty winds had shaken their calm state, A deep-throated growl, a mighty thunderclap, Dragon-faced dark clouds began their assault, Furious wild terror, struck with wet wings, A parched summer earth seemed to be at fault, Raindrops marked their fall, drawing rounded rings. Puffs of dust from the cracked loose soil, Render her breathless, puddles take circled forms, With vision of mud and scent of musk, she uncoils - Sings harvest songs with beats of raindrop drums. Nature announces a change, from summer to monsoon, In fertile lands of the sublime Temperate Zone, With virgin maiden's breath comes the farmer's boon, Fresh grassy hair she combs a cosmic green tone. Deep clouds still hang from mountaintops, As for the sun, he peeps through tall trees, A forest dense with fresh velvety props, Radiant with rays, a gleeful smile he frees. Across the misty green monsoon shroud An apparition seen amongst crowded clouds As I submit myself to a beauty rare A peacock holds out a rainbow fair. A beacon lit up from peacock feathers, Held me up, showed me the way of right, Dark clouds of doubt and guilt wither, Seven colours blended, divinely bright. ...there it is...the ball is in your court, what do you think??? This goes for all others too...please comment... Waiting..... regards, sudhir |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Like! K |
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patricianne Member
since 2000-05-04
Posts 66 |
Hi sudhir, Hope you don't mind my just jumping in here. I have read this whole thread and wanted you to know that when I read the original poem, I was so swept away I didn't even notice the rhymes!! I think I like the first version better because it seemed so fresh. The only nit I have is with the "crowded clouds", maybe another descriptive could work, don"t know.Really enjoyed it!!! Pat |
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