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A Fall Arisen
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A Fall Arisen |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704
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Emptiness sings its own peculiar throe can an ocean swell more devoid? What is there to fill swirls of rush to complete the cold drown a stretch of liquid nothing a long search for the solace of the sky Pinnacled remote across a flash of time starred with scars of aeoned years and a witness to the haunt of surging tide a kindred lone carved of a call below a forevered wait for the mist of salted deep An accidental dive the sea into a star the black wash reflects but remember of spans past and fitful storms my tumult is a shadow of an ocean voice what can wave my power? the footfall of a shore breaking its own line a calling for the lift of heavened light An unplanned aspire of star to the sea a memoried curse of crash and rise my arms are lightless I burn with mirrored empty yet could I return to fall? the curve of star move annulled to still a recognition of the reach for echoed meld I could welcome light once more I could plummet low I would swim my waves high and over dance to a fired song I would arch my life fast and through revel in chords of the sea I will spray my cry I will descend the call a reunion of reflected voice and soul this the anthem of woven wave and light ~Sleeping Beauty never knew how lucky she really was~ (Me) |
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| © Copyright 2000 Kamla Mahony - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Sudhir Iyer Member Ascendant
since 2000-04-26
Posts 6943Mumbai, India : now in Belgium |
Kamla, Well, I read this once and then read it once again, but I still reach the same conclusion, this is exquisite writing...and being free verse (I do not write free verse much), my scope is limited to WOWing, still I will read the pome once again, and try and find new images... So for now, except a few things, I have nothing serious to say except WOW!!! The lilting flow from low to high gives the reader a lot of hope... What is there to fill swirls of rush to complete the cold a missing '?' maybe... 'forevered' is a new word to this rustic... the black wash reflects but remember of spans past and fitful storms relects and remember (singular and plural) I would propose: reflects and remembers spans past fitful storms (remove the 'of' and 'and') I burn with mirrored empty methinks you deliberately avoided 'emptiness' here ...  I will spray my cry I will descend the call I would remove the empty line in between... Now to what I liked most... every word... really enjoyed reading... don't mind my ramblings, and see what is best... as already said before, my competence level on free verse is questionable...I shut up now... many regards, sudhir. |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Hey Sudhir! Thanks my friend...nothing like input...  Right... your suggestions... First thing you will come to notice is that I don't play by the rules - so the missing ? is completely intentional...and as I don't use punctuation a lot a reader needs to insert commas etc... so 'cold' actually leads straight onto 'drown' with a mental comma...still no question mark - but shrug...that's it. It is also intentional that the only question marks are given to the first two speaking parts of the ocean and star. 'Forevered' is not actually a word - I like to make things up...make nouns verbs and vice versa - hehe... Ok, I thought the 'reflects but remember' might prove confusing. While your suggestion does make it slightly less confusing unfortunately I can't link them with an and - nor plurarise the remember simply because it changes the meaning of the line. The ocean is not actually reflecting and remembering. The first line of that part is: 'An accidental dive the sea into a star' This line describes it as an action - yet that is not possible as how can the sea dive into a star? Therefore - it is a memory - and a memory in reverse - a reflection, like in a mirror. Therefore the ocean 'reflects but remember' and the remember is a verb in the place of the noun 'memories' which leads directly to 'of spans past'...phew! I hope that makes sense! LOL. 'I burn with mirrored empty methinks you deliberately avoided 'emptiness' here ... ' Absolutely Sudhir, absolutely! and the last part: 'I will spray my cry I will descend the call' - I also can't join these lines together as the last section - beginning from: 'I could welcome light once more' consists of the ocean and the star intertwining their thoughts... each line is a separate thought in turn, beginning with the ocean: 'I could welcome light once more' refers of course to welcoming the star into its waters. I was just difficult and omitted the speech marks... hehe.... I so appreciate the time you took with this, my friend... HUGS! K< !signature--> ~Sleeping Beauty never knew how lucky she really was~ (Me) [This message has been edited by Severn (edited 06-22-2000).] |
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Poet deVine
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-26
Posts 22612Hurricane Alley |
I know this is perfect so I'm not going to say a word!!  |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
"First thing you will come to notice is that I don't play by the rules " ~smile~ you don't say ..Lady K ........ c'mere .. "is he in heaven is he in hell" ..neither actually ..in fact he'll be in bed pretty shortly if you dont show up ...grrrr a drowsy SP |
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