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in the rain
| Open Poetry #6 |
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in the rain |
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bsquirrel
since 2000-01-03
Posts 7855
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I wrote this last night after feeling several different things that needed sorting out; just picked up a mini cassette recorder, and spoke into it. This is the first of two sessions. -in the rain- freestyle The rain in her hair was almost like a veil. If she'd cried before she came here, Her tears were washed away. I winced when she put a comb through Because it picked off all the jewels, Glistened and dripped down the sink. I asked her Can I pour you a drink? Her smile meant love and her eyes were caring. I held her close; Her light was sharp but not glaring. And I didn't need a soft focus Or pull-away lens To see her beauty. I wish there was a way a moment could be eternity. Because I was happiest When I had someone with me. When something as innocent As going on an amusement park ride Took on new meaning. And even when things went fast, and when things went slow, And when they broke at the end, and I thought I had no place to go, We stayed friends. Some people search for a spark in a well, Glaring into the depths of darkness To find a little piece of light. Flip. There and gone like a page of a book. I thought I'd found my future that night, But time is a crook. |
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Meadowmuse Member Elite
since 1999-12-27
Posts 3263 |
Mike, I missed this last night, but am glad I saw it today. This is beautifully expressive of an honest love...and in such descriptive lines. I love what you've said about the rain forming jewels in her hair. And your end lines ~ "Flip. There and gone like a page of a book. I thought I'd found my future that night, But time is a crook." ...so direct, these serve as an effective contrast to the rest of the poem to illustrate the often fragile status of a relationship. So well done. (...and well liked by me!) |
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Corazon Senior Member
since 2000-02-02
Posts 1209 |
*shakes her head in amazement* great work mike...really great....love your style...sigh your ending reminds me of my favorite G&R song..."but if you could heal a broken heart, wouldn't time be out to charm you?" [This message has been edited by Corazon (edited 02-14-2000).] |
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tracie66 Member Elite
since 2000-01-18
Posts 4713Australia |
I have only one thing to say about this piece......FANTASTIC  |
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Wizzard Member
since 2000-02-09
Posts 209 |
You`ve done a great job at capturing a moment in time with this writing. And I agree,Time is a crook,But yet we never seem to have enough of it. Thank`s for sharing Bsquirrel Today is the first day of the rest of my life. And the begining of a new one. |
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Glorfindel Junior Member
since 2000-02-17
Posts 22Auckland, New Zealand |
Time is definitely the most insidious thief of all, and it has stolen a few things from me. Times has always been an enigma of mine(the fourth dimension)and I love reading poetry about it. thanks for writing. Let winds rage, seas boil and years curse, My love shal live everyoung in my verse. |
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bsquirrel
since 2000-01-03
Posts 7855 |
Better late than never. Meadowmuse, Always glad when you enjoy something of mine. I like the jewels, too. Corazon, If by G&R you mean G'n'R, I ask you, when did Axl Rose write THAT lyric?  tracie66, Thanks! back atchaWizzard, You're welcome, and thanks for reading. Glorfindel, Time does steal, but it also gives birth. Everything lives and everything dies -- both horrifying and beautiful truths. Thanks for liking the poem. |
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Cerenity Member Elite
since 2000-02-16
Posts 2637Escondido-California |
bsquirrel, It's puring down rain right now and was wandering through back pages of this forum and found your poem, time has from the beginng been mans biggest foe at one point or another. Very nice poem, thank you. Cerenity-1 (AKACerenity) |
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Elizabeth Santos Member Rara Avis
since 1999-11-08
Posts 9269Pennsylvania |
Well done, my friend It flowed so smoothly til the end, when the truth appeared and caught me by surprise, just like it often does. Wonderful poem Liz |
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Martie
Moderator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-09-21
Posts 28049California |
I like the way you write, and this was so honest and clear to the end, like a word picture of your heart. The fickleness of time-- Well Done! |
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bsquirrel
since 2000-01-03
Posts 7855 |
Cerenity, My relatives live near Oceanside, so I'm sure they're getting soaked, too. The weather over here is more potential than kinetic at the moment, though. Some puddles, lots of wind, but not much rain. Of course, it's supposed to rain through to Monday, so who knows. Btw, I was WONDERING how this poem found the light of day again. Liz, Glad you enjoyed. And that ending took a little bit of thought on my part. It seemed like such a sledgehammer in an otherwise soft poem, but I decided that was the message I wanted to get across. Yeah, truth is like that sometimes. Martie, Thanks. I'm all worded out now, so here's a smile instead. Mike |
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