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Open Poetry #6

A Fragile Blossom

INclan
Senior Member

since 1999-07-20

Posts 1024
Indiana, USA

0 posted 2000-03-12 06:05 PM

You came to me
A fragile blossom
In my hand
I watched you
Bloom

Denise

Moderator

Member Seraphic

since 1999-08-22

Posts 22648

1 posted 2000-03-12 06:22 PM

This is beautiful, Inclan! Very lovely!

Denise

Marge Tindal

Member Empyrean

since 1999-11-06

Posts 42384
Florida's Foreverly Shores

2 posted 2000-03-12 07:01 PM

Inclan~
Very, very pretty indeed.
~*Marge*~

~*The pen of the poet never runs out of ink, as long as we breathe.*~
noles1@totcon.com

Diana B
Member

since 2000-03-10

Posts 97

3 posted 2000-03-12 07:35 PM

most delicate image

bboog
Member

since 2000-02-29

Posts 303
Valencia, California

4 posted 2000-03-12 07:49 PM

INclan~
I don't mean any disrespect, but I think that there are some (unintentional) sexual connotations here. You might want to keep it in mind or possibly rewrite it.
bboog

INclan
Senior Member

since 1999-07-20

Posts 1024
Indiana, USA

5 posted 2000-03-12 08:41 PM

Thank you, dsnyder, Marge, and Diana, for your kind remarks. I am glad you liked it.

bboog, no disrespect taken....the connotations are all there and completely intentional. This was my first attempt at a Tanka. I elected to keep the 5 lines but ignore the classical 5-7-5-7-7 meter. Beyond that, my goal was to delicately say "it" without saying "it". Did I succeed? In my opinion, to be any more explicit would require publication in the Adult Forum.

INclan

Joannak
Member

since 2000-03-11

Posts 121
Indiana, USA

6 posted 2000-03-13 11:04 PM

Beautiful, but don't forget...
fragile blooms are easily crushed.

Please be gentle with this blossom.

Joanna

bboog
Member

since 2000-02-29

Posts 303
Valencia, California

7 posted 2000-03-14 01:53 PM

INclan~ I was trying to suggest that you should rewrite it, more subtly, as it seems awkward (not as beautiful) as I think it could be ~ the idea is good. Refining will make it better. This is only my opinion, obviously you are free to keep it as it stands, if that is what you want.
bboog

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