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Open Poetry #5
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my final rest
| Open Poetry #5 |
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my final rest |
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cokey_95 Junior Member
since 2000-01-08
Posts 35 |
Today I let go.. I promised I wouldnt so.. what can I say.. I guess I lied, there are just to many tears I have cried. I tried to pretend everything was alright, the pretending is over, I have given up the fight. I tried to smile and make the feelings go away.. now I guess it is my spirit that will have to pay. Not a day goes by that a tear I dont shed.. Not a day goes by without the pounding in my head. Those voices that should tell me right from wrong.. lately I must tell you they sing a different song. They scream in my head...just give up and die.. I sit in my room..hold my head..and cry. I am giving in..I guess the voices know best.. It is time for me to go home..for my final rest! |
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| © Copyright 2000 Karin - All Rights Reserved | |||
bsquirrel
since 2000-01-03
Posts 7855 |
Hi, Cokey. Interesting poem. I remember going through a lot of thoughts like that, and let's just say, I'm glad that's (mostly) over with. We all have our bad days, though. Here's my take: while I like the wording, sometimes I feel the phrases are a little forced. Blame it on whoever deemed poetry should rhyme. Sometimes, yeah. But I think this one would be a lot more powerful free versed. Rhyming adds a sort of sing-song voice to things, and while that's a great tool for irony, I think you're trying to be more sincere here. The other thing is do you really want to end the poem with an exclamation point? It seems sorta ... strange, I guess. It's like the character in this poem is giving up, slowly draining away, and then says "final rest" with this renewed excitement. Is the character really this far gone, that the final rest is the culmination of all the joys and disappointments experienced up to this point? Maybe I'm just reading too much into this. I've been known to do that.  Keep writing.Mike |
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whiskey
since 1999-12-28
Posts 1278Australia |
Cokey, I am so sorry for the loss of your mother I feel so much for you , You have my thoughts and prayers The poem was great |
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bsquirrel
since 2000-01-03
Posts 7855 |
I had no idea... Nevermind everything in my previous post. |
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cokey_95 Junior Member
since 2000-01-08
Posts 35 |
dont worry about it..I like to hear what im doing right or wrong |
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Dreamer_556 Junior Member
since 2000-01-04
Posts 34 |
Yet another nice one Cokey! ~*Dreamer*~ |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Welcome to Passions, Cokey - looks like you have great supportive friends here already!  |
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Betty Gravitt Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 222Georgia United States |
cokey... I'm sorry about your mother. I liked the poem. B Gravitt |
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Femme's Father Member
since 1999-10-30
Posts 58Carrollton, TX, USA |
This is a beautiful tribute to your mother, and makes me appreciate mine even more..My mom is now 76, and I am 55. I still have my dad also, so God has really blessed me with my parents still being here. I think we tend to not notice how blessed we are sometimes. I know that I often don't show my love as often as I should. This was a very good set of poems you shared with us. I appreciate the way you speak what you feel inside. You are a very caring person I can tell. I posted a poem of mine in response to your poems--hope it might help you not feel so alone..Its called the Agony of Death..bless you... |
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bsquirrel
since 2000-01-03
Posts 7855 |
Hi, Cokey. I dunno -- when poetry is used as catharsis like that, I don't think anyone really has the right to critique it. That's not the poem's purpose. But thanks for understanding. Mike |
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Eloise Senior Member
since 1999-11-27
Posts 1096Wyoming |
Cokey, welcome to Passions. This was a very touching piece. I'm sorry about the loss of your mom. ((Hugs)) |
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First__Knight Senior Member
since 1999-11-08
Posts 678 |
Welcome to Passions....and I admire your courage in this writing :0 Being in love with someone is more than just saying "I love you" |
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Paul Hoekman Member
since 1999-12-28
Posts 382Harwinton Ct. U>S>A> |
WELCOME COKEY, so nice to have you with us, nice work,keep on writing, the more you put it down, the more you let it out. |
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