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Open Poetry #5
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Fifty Years...........Please Help!!!!!!!!!!
| Open Poetry #5 |
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Fifty Years...........Please Help!!!!!!!!!! |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA 
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My mother and father are celebrating fifty years together on Jan 16th, I am throwing a big party for them on Jan 15th and would very much like to present them with a framed and matted poem to honor the occasion. This is what I've come up with so far and I'm really not happy. I'm asking for any suggestions or edits that will make this piece better. It's very important to me to have this the best I can...any and all input would be most graciously appreciated. Thank you in advance. Ruth Fifty Years It's Fifty years, since you said, “I do”, Through sickness and through health; You never had much money, But were always blessed with wealth. One January, dad took his bride, And mom became his wife; You soon began a family, And started your new life. You set up house, a cabin small, All nestled in the wood. Dad worked to provide for us, Gave everything he could. Mom stayed home and raised the kids, Taught us wrong from right, Read us bedtime stories, And tucked us in at night. Seven kids the total, Three girls, also four boys, Our house was filed with laughter; Our yard was filled with toys. You gave us love and happiness; Watched us as we grew; Sheltered, nurtured, loved us all, Till once again 'twas two. Your love’s survived, through fifty years, Grown stronger by the day And so we join together now To celebrate today. It's Fifty years, since you said, “I do”, Through sickness and through health, We’ve never had much money, But Lord, do we have wealth! < !signature--> When you truly know the meaning of the word Love, you will also know the meaning of the word Pain ~Javan [This message has been edited by hoot_owl_rn (edited 01-05-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 Ruth Kephart - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Dreamer_556 Junior Member
since 2000-01-04
Posts 34 |
It was nice to read your work! It's excellent and I'm sure they'll love it. Unfortunately, I can be of no help to you right now! Just thought I'd comment on what a great piece of work it is  ~*Dreamer*~ |
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Kevin Taylor Member
since 1999-12-23
Posts 185near Vancouver, BC, Canada |
Wonderful poem and I wouldn't presume to second guess you. But if my opinions are worth a read, here they are.. as I might have written parts of it..(I've just copied the poem here and changed bits and pieces... please forgive..) Fifty Years Fifty years ago, they said I do Through sickness and through health; They never had much money, And their children were their wealth. One January day, he married her And she became his wife; And there began a family, And started their new life. They set their home, a cabin small, All nestled in the wood. He worked hard to provide for them, Gave everything he could. She stayed home and raised the kids, Taught them wrong from right, Read them bedtime stories, And tucked them in at night. Seven kids the total, Three girls, also four boys, Their house was filed with laughter; Their yard was filled with toys. They gave them love and happiness; Made their house a home; Sheltered them ‘till they were grown And set out on their own. (Their love’s survived through fifty years, Grown stronger by the day, And so we come together now, To celebrate today. ***I don't know about adding this piece***) Fifty years ago, they said I do Through sickness and through health, They never had much money, But Lord, did they have wealth! Ya.. add it.. it rounds the poem out especially if their wealth is measured in children. This is a wonderful poem. They are gonna cry like babies... ya know that, right? Kevin |
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Local Rebel Member Ascendant
since 1999-12-21
Posts 5767Southern Abstentia |
Hoot, You are a strong talent and can discern yourself what is best. I always personally consider art to be not made of what you put in, but what you take out. |
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Toerag Member Ascendant
since 1999-07-29
Posts 5622Ala bam a |
Hoot Honey...use this poem....could ya imagine if I put something together for ya? I mean, I could be a tad "reserved"...but yanno what a "tad" means in Toerag verse?.....this is great sweets.....go for it!!! |
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suthern
since 1999-07-29
Posts 20723Louisiana |
Hoot: This is lovely... and the love shines through every line... what a marvelous gift! My only advice is to include the parenthetical verse... and have plenty of kleenex handy!! |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
Dreamer, Toerag, and Suther...thanks Rebel...yes, you do have a point and I've edited this myself 20 times today....lol, 10 or so before I posted it and as many times after posting...getting to like it better each time Kevin...thank...although I didn't use a few of your suggestions, you'll not I used a modified version of your line "They set their home, a cabin small" only I used "They set up house, a cabin small" thanks, that helped a lot there |
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Iloveit Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 1121NM |
hoot this is beautiful, a perfect tribute, mine has lasted 26 years, last december, but my kids certainly wouldn't write something as this.....your parents will be very proud of you and this....hugs |
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RainbowGirl Member Elite
since 1999-07-31
Posts 3023United Kingdom |
Hoot: I have no alterations to give - when you speak words with so much love, that's all that is seen, love! Now you know why I have no alterations to suggest! HUSG Don't ask me where I'm going, just listen when I'm gone and far away you'll hear me singing softly to the dawn. |
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Denise
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-08-22
Posts 22648 |
Ruth, this is so beautiful, I'm sure they will love it! The only thing I might change is: 'They never had much money But Lord, did they have wealth' to: 'They've never had much money But Lord, do they have wealth' to sort of end it in the present tense. What do you think? Denise |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
I love it and rainbow...thank you both. I'm liking it better as I make my many edits....probably 15 now since I posted...I believe I'm seeking perfection on this one as I feel it's the least I can do and it does nothing for the 37 years of love they've showed me. Denise....oh hun, thank you, yes, perfect....you'll see I changed it!!! Hugs, thanks !!! |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Hoot, I did a poem similar to this for my folks on their 25th, and I'm glad I did, because they didn't have many more years left. Go with your heart, dear one, and that will be the best gift yet. Can't add to perfection...hugs, Sunshine P.S. I wish I had that poem back now...a sibling claimed all of the property, and I don't know what happened to it. Sunshine Look, then, into thine heart, and write ~~~ Henry Wadsworth Longfellow |
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Andrew Scott Member Elite
since 1999-06-24
Posts 2558Redlands,CA,USA |
My Lady Hoot ~ what you have written is beautiful. I understand the feeling of reading ones own work at times and saying, "it just doesn't sit right" and you would like some help, but how does one critique another's heart on something so personal as this? I couldn't suggest any valued changes without making the poem my own, which would fail miserably in its purpose. That said, I shall still give it a go and contact you via e-mail with anything worth while. To you parents I would like to say congratulations on 50 years! I hope some day I can match it myself. |
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Denise
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-08-22
Posts 22648 |
You're welcome, Ruth! Glad to be of help! Give your folks my congratulations, too! Wow! Fifty years! God bless them! Sunshine- what a pity that you don't have it. So sad.  Denise |
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
Ruth - I'm sure this will be their most treasured gift.... 'Tis very nice, indeed... |
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Martie
Moderator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-09-21
Posts 28049California |
Ruth, they will treasure this poem because it came from you and the love that you have for them. It is beautiful just the way it is. In the dew of little things, the heart finds its morning and is refreshed. (ee cummings) |
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Marilyn Member Elite
since 1999-09-26
Posts 2621Ontario, Canada |
By George I think she's got it Watson! Beautiful work Ruth. I really think we should collabroate on one when I am feeling better. Love you my friend. ((HUG)) |
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WhtDove Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-22
Posts 9245Illinois |
Ruth I think this is just great....I have one pick tho... Seven kids the total, Three girls, also four boys, Their house was filed with laughter; Their yard was filled with toys. 2nd line I would do... Three girls, and four boys....?? Other than that I think they will love it! <*\\\>< Where there is faith, there is love. Where there is love, there is peace. Where there is peace, there is GOD. Where there is GOD, there is no need. Hallmark |
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Dark Angel Member Patricius
since 1999-08-04
Posts 10095 |
Ruth, this is so beautiful, I love it the way it is honey your parents are going to love it , it sort sums up their 50 years together, how they started til now, I think its beautiful and I don't think you should change it What comes from the heart goes to the heart. Samuel Coleridge |
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Sharleen Junior Member
since 2000-01-05
Posts 16 |
Ruth, I wouldn't change a thing you know what comes from your heart And you should stick with it. Just let the words flow from your mind to the tips of your fingers,then onto the paper. sharleen |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Ruth, I'm sure we could dissect this poem and come up with areas where the meter is slightly off or the flow could smooth out just a tad...but why? The poem is terrific as it is. These are normal people, not poetic critics. They will see the love, sentiment and emotion in the poem and be blown away for sure. It wouldn't be right risking that for poetic perfection. Let them have it between the eyes! They'll love it....and you for doing it. |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
I just want to say THANKS everyone for all your replies, advice and thoughts. I think what you see now is the final product of no less than 35 edits...lol...think I'll keep my hands off it now, once more, thank you |
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Corinne Member Ascendant
since 1999-10-28
Posts 5167state of confusion |
I've read this a couple of times now, and my feeling is that it is such a personal thing that I wouldn't begin to assume that I could add or change what it is your heart. And, this is the kind of poem that is written complete to your audience, and I think you've done a marvelous job! Corinne |
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moonmoon Member
since 1999-08-13
Posts 277TX , USA |
I have nothing to add to what's already been said. Its indeed a fine poem straight from the heart and I am sure your parents would love it. Your parents are blessed to have a wonderful daughter like you Ruth.. Congrats to both you and your parents. |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Ruth - wow. Wonderful. I hope you are finally happy with it - I like it! K'...I want to be free - free to know people and their backgrounds - free to move to different parts of the world...' Sylvia Plath |
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whiskey
since 1999-12-28
Posts 1278Australia |
Ruth, This is wonderful dont change it a bit its great and a beautiful tribute to your parents and tell the congrats 50 years is a hell of a long time Julie |
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Meadowmuse Member Elite
since 1999-12-27
Posts 3263 |
The fact that you've been moved to write this earnest and heartfelt poem for your parents is poetry in and of itself. They will love it.  Claire |
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