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Open Poetry #5
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Friendship
| Open Poetry #5 |
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Friendship |
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Nicole Senior Member
since 1999-06-23
Posts 1835Florida 
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When darkness threatens the light of day And closes upon my shrouded form I can’t but help to think of the ways The rays of your sun break through the storm For many years we have walked aligned Through times of joy and heartache true Which paved our road with ties that bind Rendering each day a chance anew I value in you, your strength and devotion You stand up for your beliefs with pride Nary a time will you spare your emotion Yet taking life in with a graceful stride You’re never too scared to be honest with me Always telling me what I really should hear Always there when I want to run and break free Comforting me with smiles – when come the tears I thank the heavens for a friend such as you For you, my dear, are the very definition of true May I never be too busy to help another's load, Then I'll be drinking from the saucer 'cause my cup has overflowed. --Author Unknown |
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| © Copyright 2000 Nicole Williams - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Danny Holloway Member Elite
since 2000-01-15
Posts 2034Tulsa, OK |
Oh, to have a friend such as this. I really like you expression. (and the picture too) DH< !signature--> [This message has been edited by Danny Holloway (edited 01-18-2000).] |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
What a wonderful tribute to a friend  |
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Meadowmuse Member Elite
since 1999-12-27
Posts 3263 |
This is a wonderful and touching poem, written with such a reverent tone. Each verse brings something special to this piece. Well done! Claire |
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Denise
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-08-22
Posts 22648 |
Yes, this is beautiful and a wonderful tribute to a true friend! Denise And slight is the sting of his trouble Whose winnings are less than his worth; For he who is honest is noble, Whatever his fortunes or birth.~~~Alice Cary, ~Nobility~ |
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Saxoness
since 1999-07-18
Posts 1102Texas |
I treasure my best friend more than my life. "Glory remains unaware of my neglected dwelling where alone I sing my tearful song which has charms only for me." -Charles Brugnot |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
Striking m'friend! Well written, (of course,) and pertinent to many. I for one know there are many times that t'were not for my best friend, I may not have made it! "O human race, born to fly upward, wherefore at a little wind dost thou so fall?" Dante Alighieri |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Wonderful. Loving. And extremely well written. K |
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Sonny Junior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 29Schenectady, NY, USA |
A beautiful poem for a beautiful friend. One can never have too many friends, but best friends are more valuable than all the others combined. Excellent writing! Sonny [This message has been edited by Sonny (edited 01-19-2000).] |
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Seymour Tabin Member Empyrean
since 1999-07-07
Posts 31720Tamarac Fla |
Satiate, A wonderful poem, well thought out and well written. I enjoyed the read. Sy |
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tracie66 Member Elite
since 2000-01-18
Posts 4713Australia |
A beautiful poem....I would say that the lucky friend thinks it's mutual |
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PhaerieChild Senior Member
since 1999-08-30
Posts 1787Aloha, Oregon |
I too have friend such as this and find it amazing how rare such friends are. This a beautiful tribute to that kind of friend. Very well written and would like your permission to print it out and send it to such friend with all credits to you of course. Poetry~ Words falling on paper, painting a dream. Shawna R. Holder Boise, Idaho |
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Alicat Member Elite
since 1999-05-23
Posts 4094Coastal Texas |
Now that I'm feeling better, and can actually think, here's the critique you were asking me about. Your rhyme scheme is very well done, and you adhered to it throughout the entire body of this poem. The message is very apty portrayed, with real-life instances to bolster the friendship image, lending the strength of mental imagery to tie the many aspects into a cohesive whole. Also, the rhymed couplet was a very nice touch. For these points, Kudos on a job well done!! On the flip side, it appears that you wanted trochaic tetrameter (soft/hard, 4 beats/line), this assumption based upon the first few verses. But as the work progresses, I noticed a flip-flopping between trochaic and iambic (soft/hard vs. hard/soft). Also, in some lines were found extra beats, that when spoken aloud, threw the rhythm off, or made it seem forced if strict adherance to the original beat structure was attempted. I understand that you have trouble sounding out beats, so here's a very simple guideline: count the syllables and divide by 2. Granted, this is oversimplification, but it's a good starting place. Well, there you go. I just hope that this helps out. And BTW, wonderful job on overcoming your natural reticence and over-analysis to create a very touching tribute to friendship. Alicat As I sit here dimly thinking Watching modem lights a-blinking Churning out poetic hash. Lord, in all Your piety, Help me keep my sanity: Please don't let the modem crash! --Alicat |
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Nicole Senior Member
since 1999-06-23
Posts 1835Florida |
Thank you, everyone, very much!  Ali  I actually don't remember asking you to critique this poem at all, but I'm glad you did. Your input is always welcome to me. Thanks May I never be too busy to help another's load, Then I'll be drinking from the saucer 'cause my cup has overflowed. --Author Unknown |
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