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Heard any good jokes lately?
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Heard any good jokes lately? |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738
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Funny girl needs a laugh today... |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
am i not funny enough s ???  |
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Rex Allen McCoy Member Elite
since 2000-01-30
Posts 2863Sippin a Timmy's in London |
Please feel free to delete if the need be  BAG LADY ~~~~~~~~~ A lady ... in her late 40's went to a plastic surgeon for a face lift. The doctor told her of a new procedure called ... ..........."The Knob." This small knob is planted on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up the skin to produce the effect of a brand new facelift forever. Of coarse the woman wanted ... ..........."The Knob." Fifteen years later the woman went back to the surgeon with two problems. "All these years everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob on lots of occasions and I've loved the results." "But now I have developed two annoying problems. First of all, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them." The doctor looked at her and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts." She replied, "Oh! ... Well, I guess that explains the goatee." ~^~~^~~^~~^~~^~~^~ }>{{{{o> ~^~~^~~^~~^~~^~~^~~ |
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Rex Allen McCoy Member Elite
since 2000-01-30
Posts 2863Sippin a Timmy's in London |
I put my name in here because I can picture myself in this situation Notes from an inexperienced Chili Taster named Rex, who was visiting TEXAS: "Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding Famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event: Chili #1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster chili JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick. JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. REX: Holy smokes, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These hicks are crazy. Chili #2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang. JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. REX: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line. Chili #3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick.Needs more beans. JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers. REX: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. Chili #4: Bubba's Black Magic JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice.Disappointing. JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans.Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. REX: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her. Chili #5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. REX: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Chili #6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers. JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.Superb. REX: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. Chili #7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress. REX: You could put a grenade in my mouth and pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good! At autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful, and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach. Chili #8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 fell and pulled the chilli pot on top of himself. |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Rex .......LOL ok .. you lot over there never think British jokes are funny so i inserted Chris to spice it up a little... Christoper from Passions, the archbishop of canterbury, and a boy scout were returning from the US after a top level conference. they flew above the atlantic in a private jet flown by a top level pilot. half way over - BANG an engine burst into flames. "don't panic" said the pilot over the intercom, "we can fly on one". however two minutes later - BANG, out goes the other engine. "we're gonna have to jump" says the pilot, "oh and btw there are only 3 parachutes, and i'm having one coz I'm a highly trained pilot who's irreplaceable" ...and out he jumps. Next Christoper leaps to his feet - by this time the plane is sinking fast - "ok" he says, "I'm a fabulously talented poet and writer from that scintillating place called Passions, now come on, just think of the fan club that would miss me if i was to die, and anyway i am soooooo intelligent and brainy"....and so saying he grabs a chute and jumps. The Archbishop looks at the little boy scout sadly. "Well my child" he says"there's just one chute left, I've had a long and happy life and you are young - you must have the last chute"..... The boy scout looks up cheerfully at the old man, "No problemo your honour" he chuckles, "ole Christopher picked up my backpack!!!!" |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Thanks guys...didn't think it could be done...but the teeth are flashing over here!!! Rex Allen, you're a treasure...and Philip, you had me laughing right from the point when you "inserted Christopher"!!! Thanks again!!! |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Just teeth???  Darn i am disappointed ....lol |
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Rex Allen McCoy Member Elite
since 2000-01-30
Posts 2863Sippin a Timmy's in London |
Glad to be of service, kind lady and Philip you had me laughing so hard at one point more chili slid from my mouth  |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
PHIIP!!!  Ok Phiip, I admit yours was (grudgingly) funny, and perhaps closer to the truth than I like to think... ahem - but Rex, that chili thing almost gave me a heart attack!!! My mom's ex-boyfriend and I used to see who could handle the hottest chilis... lol - the reactions (and how I felt at the time) were very similar!!! |
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Rex Allen McCoy Member Elite
since 2000-01-30
Posts 2863Sippin a Timmy's in London |
Again feel free to delete  |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
profusely? In comparison to whom? YIKES!!! I'm outta here...LOL...at first I thought I was having a flashback! |
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JP Senior Member
since 1999-05-25
Posts 1343Loomis, CA |
can't... breathe.... *gasp* laughing.... can't.... see.... *gasp* must... find... Sally....  < !signature--> Yesterday is ash, tomorrow is smoke; only today does the fire burn. JP Most people would rather die than think; in fact, they do so. B. Russell [This message has been edited by JP (edited 10-10-2000).] |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
Weird... Rex - I couldn't read what you posted... it's shaking really bad for some reason...  |
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Irie Senior Member
since 1999-12-01
Posts 1493Washington State |
This won't make you laugh your butt off, but it's cute and some what true. Made me grin anyway! GETTING A HAIRCUT...... Women's version: Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute! Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking? Woman2: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think. Woman1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck. Woman2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line. Woman1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier. Men's version: Man2: Haircut? Man1: Yeah. |
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PhaerieChild Senior Member
since 1999-08-30
Posts 1787Aloha, Oregon |
Mary had a little lamb Her father shot it dead. Now Mary takes her lamb to school Between two chunks of bread. Poetry~ Words falling on paper, painting a dream. Shawna R. Holder Boise, Idaho |
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doreen peri Member Elite
since 1999-05-25
Posts 3812Virginia |
Republicans announced today that they are changing their emblem from an elephant to a condom because it more clearly reflects their party's political stance. A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, discourages cooperation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives one a sense of security while screwing others. |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Lovin' every minute of it, people! I would contribute, but lord knows, I get in enough trouble!!! (most of mine are dumb anyway) but thank you muchly for all the good cheer...and doreen, I will use that one on my brother...I've already used Paula Poundstone's line: "What, are you against your OWN lifestyle?" Much thanks. |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Groooooooooooooooan.... rotf |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
K-- I TOLD YA THEY WERE DUMB!!! rofl...me too |
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Rex Allen McCoy Member Elite
since 2000-01-30
Posts 2863Sippin a Timmy's in London |
The Burglar Man ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I'll sing you a song of a burglar man who started to rob a house He peeped in a window and then he crept as quiet as a mouse Then thinking of all the money he'd get while under the bed he lay At 9 o'clock he saw a sight that made his hair turn gray ~ At 9 o'clock an old maid came in and " I'm so tired " she said And thinking that everything was well she forgot to look under the bed She pulled out her teeth her old false eye and the hair off the top of her head This burglar man had 21 fits as he sprang from under the bed ~ She did not holler or screem at all just stood as meek as a lamb She said " Oh Lord my prayer is answered at last I've found me a man I've hunted nigh 41 years or more your the only chance I'll get I'll buckel myself to you old boy I've got you now you bet " ~ Then from a drawer a revolver she drew and unto this burglar said " Young man if you don't marry me I'll blow off the top of your head " He looked at her teeth and her old false eye and he saw no place to scoot He looked at the old maid standing there and said " Woman For God Sakes SHOOT " ~~~ |
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Rex Allen McCoy Member Elite
since 2000-01-30
Posts 2863Sippin a Timmy's in London |
To my mind, Insurance salesmen should go down in history As the worlds most outstanding concept Of the word PERSISTENCY You can brow beat and abuse them or keep silent as you can But just like the Royal Mounted They will always get their man You can remonstrate and bluster and shout "ABSOLUTELY NO I have no idea of buying And I think you'd better go" Life may seem a peaceful haven and the world a place of cheer When the interview is finished Your preparing for the beer With his rate book and a pencil he proceeds with fiendish glee to break down your sales resistance and dispell tranquility He'll outfigure and confuse you with statistics so complete That your brain becomes a muddle and your squawk becomes a bleat Does it matter if you argue that your loaded to the gills That you've just become a father and your fairly swamped with bills He will prove to you on paper of the grave mortality Facing humans in particular at the age of thirty three Of the saving and protection under plan four eighty two Where by premiums discontune at the age of ninety two With the option at maturing of selecting such and such or we have a regular dandy that won't cost you near as much Take this fifty year endowment there is one thats made for you Why Good Heavens Just Imagine how you'd feel when that came due Have you ever stopped to think about your wife and child so dear Would you want to leave them destitute ( you will pardon me this tear ) I'm really very doubtful if they'll accept you at a risk But we have to take these chances Yes - Just sign here Mr. Fisk |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Rex's The Burglar Man puts me in mind of a funny true story about Winston Churchill .. At a smart dinner one evening Churchill was in characteristic ebullient mood and one of the starchier ladies of advanced years turned to him after a particularly robust bit of repartee and in a rather shrill voice said .. "MR Churchill if you were my husband I really think I might give you poison !!!!!" Churchill turned and regarded her somewhat haughty and unattractive demeanour and replied .. "My dear Madam if I were your husband I'd drink it !!!" |
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Rex Allen McCoy Member Elite
since 2000-01-30
Posts 2863Sippin a Timmy's in London |
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill" ______________________________ At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, Johnny what is the matter? Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife." |
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Rex Allen McCoy Member Elite
since 2000-01-30
Posts 2863Sippin a Timmy's in London |
When you're hospitalized, it pays to be nice to your nurse, even when you're feeling miserable. A bossy businessman learned the hard way after ordering his nurses around as if they were his employees. But the head nurse stood up to him. One morning she entered his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. "No, I'm sorry ", the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his bottom. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay just like that until I get back!" She left the door to his room open on her way out, and he cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor came into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor. Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" "Yes," said the doctor. "But never with a carnation." |
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Alicat Member Elite
since 1999-05-23
Posts 4094Coastal Texas |
Heh....ok, a lot of these were funny, but ya gotta keep it clean. Now, I realize a lot of jokes are sexually based or at least contain scads of innuendo, but we do have some young-uns traipsing down here on occasion. Thanks for understanding. And no, this ain't a call for censureship, only a small modicum of self-restraint. Alicat, the errant mod |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
sorry, Ali---sigh...here's a couple of "groaners": Q. Why can't ducks fly upside down? A. Because they will quack up. Q. Did you hear about the guy who ran right through a screen door? A. He strained himself. |
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Rex Allen McCoy Member Elite
since 2000-01-30
Posts 2863Sippin a Timmy's in London |
A guy orders a glass of 12 year old Scotch. The bartender thinks, 'as if he'd know the difference' and pours a glass of 8 year old Scotch. The guy tastes it, spits it out, and says 'Bartender, I ordered 12 year old Scotch, and this is 8 years old --- I'm not paying for it.' The bartender figures, 'OK, I'll show him!' and pours a glass of 11 year old Scotch. Same result --- 'I ordered 12 year old Scotch, not 11 --- I'm not paying for it.' The bartender gives in and goes to the cellar for the 12 year old Scotch. Meanwhile a drunk at the other end of the bar walks up to the guy, holds out a bottle in a paper bag, and says, 'That was great! Have a drink on me!' The guy accepts, takes a sip, spits it out, and complains, 'This tastes like urine!' The drunk replies, 'Right --- now guess how old I am!' |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Wait a sec, Rex Allen, did this happen in a little roadhouse outside of Leesville, La.? (Just kidding, people) ROFL.... |
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