Riddle Tree [3-liner] - pipTalk Forums

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

Essorant
Member Elite

since 2002-08-10

Posts 4769
Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada

0 posted 2003-12-20 04:51 PM

Riddle-tree with webs
Whispering dances on roots;
Earthkind treasures' trunk.

Severn
Member Rara Avis

since 1999-07-17

Posts 7704

1 posted 2003-12-20 05:44 PM

I like the ethereal quality that this piece has overall, Ess.

I think the first line is great...but then it goes a little awry, for me at least.

The semi-colon, in such a small piece, is like a glaring interruption. And the last line is a tongue-twister..it's heavy, and the alliteration of treasures' trunk is harsh. The apostrophe looks wrong to me...it's another glaring interruption...but I know you and I rarely agree over punctuation issues

I do like the word earthkind. Does it need an initial capital though? Again, I think it's too heavy for the poem's delicate nature (I know, it links again to purist punctuation).

I think the ethereal quality is central to this so my overall suggestion is to look at the things that make it heavy and tone it down a little..

K

cynicsRus
Senior Member

since 2003-06-06

Posts 591
So Cal So Cool!

2 posted 2003-12-21 02:33 AM

If I’m properly reading the connection between each of the lines, then both the semi-colon and apostrophe are necessary to this piece. Thus, the last line didn’t bother me at all.

I sense plays on words here, speaking of an old growth tree riddled with webs and other markings of time perhaps. If anything, “Webs” lacks an apostrophe as well, if it’s plural, which is how I read it.

And, if I am properly reading this, then it has a certain abstract quality which I find appealing.

Sid @ www.cynicsRus.com
www.primerhymeetc.com

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

3 posted 2003-12-21 10:47 AM

Interesting, the number of possible double meanings here. The apostrophe on treasures can work there or missing. Of course, the meaning is entirely different. The same applies to webs in the first line too. The hyphen could be omitted, again leading to an entirely different meaning. A comma could be added after whispering, similar result. Drop the semicolon ang yet another interpretation although the grammar suffers a bit. Ess, I don't know whether you intended all this or not but it makes for an interesting analysis.

Thanks
Pete

Essorant
Member Elite

since 2002-08-10

Posts 4769
Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada

4 posted 2003-12-23 03:02 PM

Interesting comments. Thank you.

I was trying to have a balance of an earthy and airy feeling with this. "Webs" isn't meant to be possessive, but "treasures" is. The semi-colon was optional I suppose. I may do a way with it though.
Thank you again for seeing to my piece.

Take care,
Essorant

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.