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Critical Analysis #2
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I guess I'm afraid
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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I guess I'm afraid |
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X Q poet Junior Member
since 2003-03-25
Posts 47 |
Reclining on a bed of nails, I sleep, but cannot rest Drawing from my age-old well; I'm scared you only jest My pessimistic world-view is Exactly what I fight When dealing with the careful smile That set my heart alight Outstretched upon my pallet I'm Preparing to be crushed By the very entity My spirit gently brushed Feeling like a stranger I Unravel something new I look towards my future, and I hope I look on you http://www.xqpoetry.com <-- poetry, philosophy, journal and discussion |
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| © Copyright 2003 Andreas Chernus - All Rights Reserved | |||
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
quote: This is on track to become the most overly used poetic phrase in PIP’s short history. (and I would dare to guess 90% of all the other poetry sites on the web.)A simple “Smart Search” will show you what I mean. It almost makes me wince and I find it difficult to read beyond this line for that reason. I still don't tire of U2’s version however. Sid @ www.cynicsRus.com |
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X Q poet Junior Member
since 2003-03-25
Posts 47 |
Hmm... Don't think I've seen it used before... I would be happy however if someone would give some more critique other than not liking that one phrase...  http://www.xqpoetry.com <-- poetry, philosophy, journal and discussion |
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gourdmad Member
since 2003-12-01
Posts 136Upper Ohio Valley |
Although I'm new to this site,PIP, been on others for a while never seen "bed of nails" elsewhere thought it is makes me smile whether it is cliche I doubt but for herein stipulate that it may be for someone else though the proof is not great sometimes cliche may be employed certain button pushes why beat around the detail bush ambiguity it mushes :-) |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
quote: So you feel this is an original line? I hardly think so. Back to the “Smart Search”…I came up with 5 prior uses in the last year alone—three others in the prior two years. I’ve seen it numerous times on other sites that I’ve visited as well. quote: OK: In, S1: I’m still calling L1 clichéd. L4 is forced. In my view it would make more sense to put S2 before S1 in order to set up the premise. Breaking the line with “it” causes an abnormal pause. (You have the same problem in S3-L1 and S4-Ls1&3. In, S2: It makes no sense to me to use “world-view” unless you’re actually trying to expand the subject of the poem. In this case it feels hastily tacked on, to maintain the meter. Your rhymes sound forced in this stanza as well. I know you’re attempting a serious poem here, but the lines feel a little too short and monotonous, metrically speaking, to give it an entirely serious feel. Sid @ www.cynicsRus.com |
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thinktwice Member
since 2003-12-23
Posts 125United States |
not to be harsh. i just felt like i had read the poem somewhere before. can someone back me up there? i just felt it had been said using the very similar verbage. of course, if anyone reads my quote, who am i to say it isn't a masterful piece of writing. it's only my opinion. nothing more. -Adam "beauty is in the eye of the beholder" -Finger Eleven |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
That same poem is found here, http://www.xqpoetry.com/poem.php?in=84 but with the given name, I will have to ask the inevitable, is the X Q Poet here the same as the XQPoet in the link? |
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thinktwice Member
since 2003-12-23
Posts 125United States |
lol. it didn't mean he copied...i was speaking in the broader sense of what he was saying and the words he chose. though, at a second look, i like it more. not to say that i didn't before. And as my quote conveys (i hope), it dosn't matter what i think as long as someone else feels something when they read it. -Adam "beauty is in the eye of the beholder" -Finger Eleven |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
How about it XQ? Are you one and the same? |
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Always Lisa Member
since 2003-06-08
Posts 133 |
The mail address on that site is the same one offered here. It's the same person. Lisa |
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Always Lisa Member
since 2003-06-08
Posts 133 |
Funny how some writes have the mechanics but the poetry can be pretty gosh bang dull or even worse... Andreas from Norway? I thought that this poem was sweet as greeting card writing goes Too much cheese makes it so (in my view). Still, this reader feels that you, the author, knows a lot about this art... In reading this poem though, I feel that you, the author, had the beat, but beat out age-old sentiment in the most (pretty gosh dang good) boring way. I'm not saying that this poem is bad but what I am saying is that I see a poem written by someone that has obtained skill but had trouble finding a more creative voice. I've read some of your other work (2 poems) and feel the same about those. Your work falls short of creative modifier, etc. The only advice that I have for you, the author is to dig a bit deeper for that creative voice. Last but not least, I've heard the words, "bed of nail" umpteen times in my life in reference to sleep or the way one slept. I recall reading those words used twice in poetry this year alone. Is it clinched? I think that it looks like more a cliche when one factors in the rest of the poem. It would have worked fine if the poem has more balance; more creative thoughts to compliment. I love cliche if used with something more profound Saying something in a fresh new way is hard indeed. That is one of the things that I tell myself every time I ask myself what makes me and others a poet. Regards, Always Lisa PS. I hope my words don't scare you off. After all, they are just my views and mine alone... You write pretty dang well but it just didn't have that kick that knocked me over in my view. [This message has been edited by Always Lisa (12-23-2003 06:11 PM).] |
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X Q poet Junior Member
since 2003-03-25
Posts 47 |
Thanks for all the comments guys! cynicsRus: I didn't mean to say that it is an original line, I just said that I haven't read it in a poem as I recall... I do disagree with you a little on the linebreak thing, but thanks for the comments anyway! On the fact that the rhyming is sometimes forced etc. I agree... Sunshine: Yes, that is my page, and my poetry... That's not a problem is it? Always Lisa: Yes I am from Norway... Why? Once again, thanks for all the comments! I appreciate it!http://www.xqpoetry.com <-- poetry, philosophy, journal and discussion |
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