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Critical Analysis #2
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communion with my priest -warning, one bad word
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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communion with my priest -warning, one bad word |
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Estel Junior Member
since 2003-12-10
Posts 22 |
He first patted my back years ago at the after-party. I seemed so young— rat-tails were in, one of my teeth was not. Black-suited, white collared, I had knelt. “The body of Christ,” I vaguely remember, and walked to my kneeler—holy child of God. That collar, I bet he put it on every morning around five. It was cool early in the day, then hot in mass—he was a big man. I wanted to be an acolyte, or carry the cross— his beard reminded me of Jesus’ if I had known Jesus’. He was such a big man. Priests move on from parish to parish; eventually he did—ripped a child’s heart. He was my closest idea to God. I saw him today for the first in a while. Some Church get-together— the kind to where even college-kids are dragged. There he was, there we talked. My eyes didn’t want to recognize him— I was taller, but he still had his collar. Yesterday, apparently, he was accosted on the streets. child-molester.” It happens often, he said, to most. He cried, of course. I wanted to, but I’m big now. So I patted his back. ****Note, some people have confused this with a poem about me being abused by my priest, as far too many children have. Far from it, this poem is me commemmorating my priest whom I loved/love and is a saint.**** --Comment-- In the open poetry forum, they edited out the bad word. I didn't know if it's appropriate in this forum, but I figured since it's supposed to be a forum where art is critiqued, then the art should be in its original form--unadulterated as it were. Tell me, mods, if I'm wrong here, please.  [This message has been edited by Not A Poet (12-16-2003 03:07 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2003 Derek Benz - All Rights Reserved | |||
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gourdmad Member
since 2003-12-01
Posts 136Upper Ohio Valley |
"ripped a child's heart" is a very violent image, and definitely conveys abuse. If you want to show disappointment at loss, I suggest replacing "ripped". Especially in these days where a priest being moved from one parish to another is perceived as coverup by the general public. The two ideas together give the opposite impression of what you say you are trying to convey. |
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Estel Junior Member
since 2003-12-10
Posts 22 |
Good idea--I'll take it into consideration. But, a word from the wise (  ), it is a required thing for a priest to pack up and move every 5 or 10 years. This is not something that connotes a bad thing, but perhaps it is perceived as such when combined with such wording. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Sorry, you were wrong. Even giving a warning in the introduction and masking the word as asterisks does not make it all right. I removed the asterisks which may disturb the flow of the poem. Our software gives you 24 hours to edit it yourself if you want to substitute some more acceptable. If you prefer to just remove it, leave me a note here as I will have to do it for you. Thanks, Pete |
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gourdmad Member
since 2003-12-01
Posts 136Upper Ohio Valley |
The other thing that predisposes one to think it is a about something negative is that the warning in the title is seen, perhaps only by me, as PART of the title. It isn't until reading the end notes that I realized it wasn't, but that was too late for initial impression. |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
Hi.... I really like some of the imagery you were initially using here, especially: 'I seemed so young— rat-tails were in, one of my teeth was not.' Then, it seems your phrasing gets less and less tight as you progress: 'his beard reminded me of Jesus’ if I had known Jesus’.' The idea of Christianity, I thought, was to personally know Jesus. If his beard reminds you of Jesus', you obviously have some conception of jesus... thus, the second part here is superfluous. 'Priests move on from parish to parish; eventually he did—ripped a child’s heart. He was my closest idea to God. I saw him today for the first in a while. Some Church get-together— the kind to where even college-kids are dragged.' I actually think this is interesting- the reader here is wondering what the realtionship btwn. The narrator and the priest is... I personally thought it sounded like a subversive, exploitative thing at first, but lines later in the poem open that up to questioning. 'Yesterday, apparently, he was accosted on the streets. child-molester.” It happens often, he said, to most. He cried, of course. I wanted to, but I’m big now. So I patted his back.' Here, I really wondered if the grown narrator still had unhealthy, victim feelings, or is this genuine affection? To me, it still sounds kind of iffy- you might want to add more hints about his innocence- and you could still keep it open to questioning. My other suggestion is to look at your phrasing and try to tighten it up.... get rid of any words and phrases that you don't need... certain parts of this seemed wordy, and I think the entire flow can be improved if that gets improved. Hope I've helped. |
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