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Critical Analysis #2
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Moonlit Memories
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Moonlit Memories |
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gourdmad Member
since 2003-12-01
Posts 136Upper Ohio Valley |
On the radio Clouds, by Debussey full moon lights predawn consciousness moves outward Remembering the dark stained clear wood mantel where full stockings hung Christmas morning later, by the warm glow of the fireplace, watching tightly rolled wrapping paper burning in colored hues Noon, and the sliding six foot wide wooden door opens to the dining room where the good table, lengthened by extensions, covered by the best cloth, the, smaller, noisier, children’s table by its side, soon fills Anxiously awaiting the arrival of sumptuous platters pinching cousins and annoying the youngest aunt trying to impress her boyfriend (new to the gathering) brief silence, Grandpa says grace, joyous conversation The endless happy hours in this space, replaced by a fraction of a second at cruise control on the four lane highway now here the mantel moved to a landfill or an ornament for an all electric home Funerailles Liszt |
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mysticpoe Senior Member
since 2003-02-28
Posts 883 |
Hi gourdmad, I liked the over-all intent of the write. Personal, yet very sharing with the flow you implied. But for me there were a few instances of tackiness. This placed aside, I enjoyed the stimulation of memories. On the radio Clouds, by Debussey full moon lights predawn consciousness moves outward This I liked a lot. The first impression, nice draw. -------------------------------------------- Remembering the dark stained clear wood mantel where full stockings hung Christmas morning later, by the warm glow of the fireplace, watching tightly rolled wrapping paper burning in colored hues dark stained wood mantel. Too much involved here. The rest is nice. -------------------------------------------- Noon, and the sliding six foot wide wooden door six foot wide wooden door. Borderline congestion. ------------------------------------------ opens to the dining room where the good table, lengthened by extensions, covered by the best cloth, Excellent lines ------------------------------------------- the, smaller, noisier, children’s table by its side, soon fills very nice too. Brings me down memory lane. ------------------------------------------- Anxiously awaiting the arrival of sumptuous platters pinching cousins and annoying the youngest aunt trying to impress her boyfriend (new to the gathering) brief silence, Grandpa says grace, joyous conversation I find this to be redundent. Sumptous just turned me off. --------------------------------------------- The endless happy hours in this space, replaced I feel as if this line is the cornerstone of your write. But with the remaining lines. You lost me a bit. by a fraction of a second at cruise control on the four lane highway now here the mantel moved to a landfill or an ornament for an all electric home ------------------------------------------ This is my feel about the read. I enjoyed the path you took here. Hope this helps. poe If nothing is something |
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gourdmad Member
since 2003-12-01
Posts 136Upper Ohio Valley |
“dark stained wood mantel. Too much involved here. The rest is nice” -------------------------------------------- Tx for comments. What I was trying for with the "dark stained" was to place the consturction of the house as older, built when dark stains were were common, then the lighter ones used in more modern houses. Ahouse that had been around a while. I meant it literally, tho I can see where some symbolic useage would be too much, even detract from the mood of joyousness I was trying to present. Maybe “richly stained”. Or do I miss your point? “Anxiously awaiting the arrival of sumptuous platters pinching cousins and annoying the youngest aunt trying to impress her boyfriend (new to the gathering) brief silence, Grandpa says grace, joyous conversation I find this to be redundent. Sumptous just turned me off.” I have to agree with you. Even when I used sumptuous, it was almost as a word to hold the place. It is a word perhaps more associated with medieval or bacchalian events, I guess. Perhaps “steaming” The endless happy hours in this space, replaced “I feel as if this line is the cornerstone of your write. But with the remaining lines. You lost me a bit. “ by a fraction of a second at cruise control on the four lane highway now here the mantel moved to a landfill or an ornament for an all electric home Take paradise and put up a parking lot. House was torn down, replaced by freeway, and driving thru the space having the memory of what used to be there. Meant both literally and figuratively, the simple joys of childhood, complexity of adulthood yadda yadda. Then and now. |
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mysticpoe Senior Member
since 2003-02-28
Posts 883 |
Sorry I wasn't much help. The last stanza, by a fraction of a second at cruise control on the four lane highway now here the mantel moved to a landfill or an ornament for an all electric home makes more sense to me now. I read it more than a few times, and it's finally sinking in. It was the last three lines that threw me off. Nice write. poe If nothing is something |
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gourdmad Member
since 2003-12-01
Posts 136Upper Ohio Valley |
You were helpful. Here is a revision taking into consideration your comments. Replaced "moved" with "dumped" in the last stanza, which hopefully makes it clearer. On the radio Clouds, by Debussey full moon lights predawn consciousness moves outward Remembering the richly stained clear wood mantel where full stockings hung Christmas morning later, by the warm glow of the fireplace, watching tightly rolled wrapping paper burning in colored hues Noon, and the sliding six foot wide wooden door opens to the dining room where the good table, lengthened by extensions, covered by the best cloth, the, smaller, noisier, children’s table by its side, soon fills Anxiously awaiting the arrival of steaming platters pinching cousins and annoying the youngest aunt trying to impress her boyfriend (new to the gathering) brief silence, Grandpa says grace, joyous conversation The endless happy hours in this space, replaced by a fraction of a second at cruise control on the four lane highway now here the mantel dumped in a landfill or an ornament for an all electric home Funerailles Liszt |
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Estel Junior Member
since 2003-12-10
Posts 22 |
Just a few comments. "Colored hues" is cliche, very so. Um, and I would like to see a bit more of a build-up towards the end. It seems somewhat disconnected, but not in strong enough of a manner that it would be okay. This poem would be a lot better I think if you could incorporate it as a whole subtly. |
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