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gourdmad
Member

since 2003-12-01

Posts 136
Upper Ohio Valley

0 posted 2003-12-17 12:15 PM

hit the six
then hit the six again
A night spent with Emily Dickinson
not the poems unburned by her sister
but Emily herself imagine

three days after the world marked their
calendar the day Saddam was found
the numbers punched again there it
is
between the slow measured cadence
of a relaxed message left and saved
in the space between the words

the listening flesh goosebumped,
not from the fire unstoked
or downturned thermostat
the layered clothes and puffy vest counter that
(no need to heat a houseful of air
for a wife flown far away
to the place from where a message comes)

again the numbers, the cadence
hit the six again
again

hearing
inside the skin all internal systems
turned to sunshine
between
breath mixes not with capillaries
mixes with sunshine
the
breath mixes with sunshine
there is no weight inside the skin
words
air mixing with sunshine

once more the message
the name, after three days, chosen
spoken into voicemail
hit the six and it rewinds seven
seconds and hear it again
between the words

the air that, oh, what was that cliché?,
not gurgle or coo, that happy aspiration
into the warm air where the wife
watches a message being left

three days after the world
changed forever for her daughter
her daughter leaves a message that
is rewound by dialing six
rewound seven seconds
and in the space between the words
the newly named born the day
thought important by the world
because Saddam was caught

aspirates a sound
softly, distinctly
a voicemail saved
can be heard and by hitting six
a sound between the words
that holds all words
is
heard again

hush
Senior Member

since 2001-05-27

Posts 1653
Ohio, USA

1 posted 2003-12-17 10:50 AM

I really like this. At first, when you kept repeating 'hit the six' I thought you meant a six-pack... the sequence with the sunshine initially really struck me as a body-altering drug sort of thing... the warm alcohol rush... but no, it was just joy in the midst of a desolate setting. I really like the slow revelation of exactly what that meant.

I spent some time trying to figure out what this meant... A wife, who's left her husband, but she has the decency to call and tell him the baby's name... but perhaps not enough decency to invite him to where she is, or come to where he is... there is a lot unspoken there- why'd she leave? Made for some interesting tension.

A couple things I had trouble with:

'the listening flesh goosebumped,
not from the fire unstoked
or downturned thermostat
the layered clothes and puffy vest counter that
(no need to heat a houseful of air
for a wife flown far away
to the place from where a message comes)'

This whole sequence was really hard for me to read... kind of convoluted, it took me a minute to get what you were saying.

'the newly named born the day
thought important by the world'

How about something more direct like: 'The day the world thought important' or somehting like that? It just seems easier, and like it would flow better.

Hope I've helped.

Sunshine

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-25

Posts 63354
Listening to every heart

2 posted 2003-12-17 11:47 AM

No critique...
but what I heard
was a grandmother having gone to be with
your daughter,
to introduce your grandchild
into the world.

Awesome!

gourdmad
Member

since 2003-12-01

Posts 136
Upper Ohio Valley

3 posted 2003-12-17 05:00 PM

between new names saved
on voicemail, grandchild gurgling
listen, then again

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