Fastness (Mull of Galloway 2003)

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Critical Analysis #2

Fastness (Mull of Galloway 2003)

Craw
Member

since 2003-09-11

Posts 73
Scotland

0 posted 2003-12-08 08:58 AM

Across the isthmus
and the broken neck of dykes
we leave the low boasts
of cattle, the sight
of dry fields combed flat
to baize.
Here, in this fastness,
light and oceans blaze,

tides collide,
heathers swell like the sea,
and there are sounds
on the edge of hearing;
gulls like dull regret,
the soft wash of water
like a mother's breath.
On the Foghorn Steps

you stop to rest.
You are full, luscious,
and this, more than ever,
seems the place for us,
not just because everything born here
seems blessed,
but because we need the extraordinary
now, to forgive, forget.

[This message has been edited by Craw (12-10-2003 08:01 AM).]

Martie

Moderator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-09-21

Posts 28049
California

1 posted 2003-12-08 09:44 PM

Craw

I don't often come in here because I'm not great at critique...but I liked this alot...the imagery enchanted me...and then taken into the human feeling at the last..was a perfect ending.

Severn
Member Rara Avis

since 1999-07-17

Posts 7704

2 posted 2003-12-10 05:17 AM

I like this.

You have some fantastic imagery, and being a fan of plain language that communicates said fantastic imagery, I think that's your ultimate success here.

To highlight your language, then, I think it could use some tightening - remove some extraneous words. (Like 'low' in the second line, for an example).

I also think some line separation could work. Not necessarily a classic separation into three or four short stanzas...perhaps you could play.

You have a good flow...a bit more crafting would produce, I believe, a well-rendered poem.

Cheers,

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