First Aphrodite (revision 3)

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coyote
Senior Member

since 2001-03-17

Posts 1077

0 posted 2003-12-07 10:26 AM

I still feel
you pulsing
across memory

aged passion
revives
from a synaptic root

first Aphrodite

the alpha and omega
of adolescent need

fresh caught sex
on my fish market
fingers

awakening a wet dream
"in the backseat
of a 60's Chevy"

virginity discharged
in delirium waves

to “Crimson & Clover”
you gave it all up
without “Persuasion”

the way
she never could

© WFS 2003

[This message has been edited by coyote (12-08-2003 06:27 PM).]

cynicsRus
Senior Member

since 2003-06-06

Posts 591
So Cal So Cool!

1 posted 2003-12-07 12:06 PM

quote:
like the voice
of a dead plant
crying for water

If something is dead, how then can it cry or have a voice? “dying” would be more suitable

In my mind, a plant is not a strong enough image of “passion enduring age.”

quote:
consummating” virginity…

Consummate=To complete or perfect in every way.
You consummate love. You lose virginity.

Notwithstanding the fact this is one more “Teenage hormones run amuck” poem: You did present some interesting visuals.

Sid @ www.cynicsRus.com
www.primerhymeetc.com

coyote
Senior Member

since 2001-03-17

Posts 1077

2 posted 2003-12-07 07:34 PM

Thank You, Sid, for the very constructive feedback.

I'll work on more accurate terminology and metaphor as you suggested.

Although, I was trying not to be too "cliche" with the plant thing, "withered stalk", "seeds all dried up", etc. it seemed a usable metaphor for the state of an aged lothario....and sometimes the dead can speak louder than the living?

Perhaps "passion" isn't the correct word there either? I'll rethink that whole concept.

Considering the fact that my teenage hormones expired officially about 32 years ago, I'm elated to see they are still "running amuck" though.

coyote

cynicsRus
Senior Member

since 2003-06-06

Posts 591
So Cal So Cool!

3 posted 2003-12-07 08:46 PM

With the clarification, I can see now what you were aiming for, (so to speak). I must say, it was at least clever.

quote:
Considering the fact that my teenage hormones expired officially about 32 years ago, I'm elated to see they are still "running amuck" though.

I guess, I should be elated as well then.

Thanks for the laugh.

Sid @ www.cynicsRus.com www.primerhymeetc.com

[This message has been edited by cynicsRus (12-07-2003 08:50 PM).]

coyote
Senior Member

since 2001-03-17

Posts 1077

4 posted 2003-12-07 08:50 PM

Thanks again, Sid.
I made a few changes. Please see what you think?

CB 8)

Craw
Member

since 2003-09-11

Posts 73
Scotland

5 posted 2003-12-08 09:06 AM

I liked this, though I don't know about a man's passion enduring like a dying root. You could lose 'dying for water' and simply say 'a man's passion/endures age/like a synaptic root.'

coyote
Senior Member

since 2001-03-17

Posts 1077

6 posted 2003-12-08 06:26 PM

Thanks, Craw.
I tweaked the passion lines a bit as you suggested.

CB 8)

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