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Critical Analysis #2
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Ladycat
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Senior Member
since 1999-07-05
Posts 782
At the edge and a doorway,TX

0 posted 2003-11-27 07:58 AM


Too deep to turn in
Too deep to push out
Too deep to let go of sin
Too deep to hold about
Where did you lose your soul
Who holds you now
How did this place turn so cold
I'd rather lay down next to you not bow
I lose myself near you
It is a shame I guess
Ever though I'm endeared to
Always be my best
I tryed to hold on to everything you gave
Nothing seemed to matter
You just wanted me to be your slave
You loved when my world shattered
Now here I am with thoughts of you
A world that never ends
Who would have known I'd be so blue
I thought we could be friends...

Love,
Ladycat

Dancing is the loftiest, the most moving, the most
beautiful of the arts, because it is no mere translation
or abstraction from life; IT IS LIFE I

© Copyright 2003 Vynette M. Charles-Brooks - All Rights Reserved
tecoyah
Member
since 2003-11-16
Posts 83
NY
1 posted 2003-11-27 11:05 AM


love is a pisser, no doubt....well defined piece, would watch the forced rhymes....enjoyed the work.  thanx
cynicsRus
Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591
So Cal So Cool!
2 posted 2003-11-27 02:55 PM



I know you’ve worked with prose before coming here, so if you wish to move into poetry, I would suggest taking whatever writing points you learned there and apply here as non-rhymed verse. Almost all of your rhymes come across as forced, and most lines clichéd. The only one I see with any promise is the first line in the second quatrain—although, I do think you could develop your overall idea further.

I’d suggest laying aside that desire to rhyme and putting some work into developing a consistent meter first. This doesn’t mean that your finished piece has to come out as perfectly Iambic, Trochaic, etc., but to begin with it would be great practice. Look into Blank Verse: Iambic Pentameter with no rhymes. This tends to force you to search out more descriptive words.  

quote:
love is a pisser

Yesser, ‘tis “a pisser,” but it needn’t stink.

Sid @ www.cynicsRus.com
www.primerhymeetc.com

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