»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #2
»
What happened
| Critical Analysis #2 |
|
What happened |
|
Ladycat 
since 1999-07-05
Posts 782At the edge and a doorway,TX 
|
Too deep to turn in Too deep to push out Too deep to let go of sin Too deep to hold about Where did you lose your soul Who holds you now How did this place turn so cold I'd rather lay down next to you not bow I lose myself near you It is a shame I guess Ever though I'm endeared to Always be my best I tryed to hold on to everything you gave Nothing seemed to matter You just wanted me to be your slave You loved when my world shattered Now here I am with thoughts of you A world that never ends Who would have known I'd be so blue I thought we could be friends... Love, Ladycat Dancing is the loftiest, the most moving, the most |
||
| © Copyright 2003 Vynette M. Charles-Brooks - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
tecoyah Member
since 2003-11-16
Posts 83NY |
love is a pisser, no doubt....well defined piece, would watch the forced rhymes....enjoyed the work. thanx |
||
|
cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
I know you’ve worked with prose before coming here, so if you wish to move into poetry, I would suggest taking whatever writing points you learned there and apply here as non-rhymed verse. Almost all of your rhymes come across as forced, and most lines clichéd. The only one I see with any promise is the first line in the second quatrain—although, I do think you could develop your overall idea further. I’d suggest laying aside that desire to rhyme and putting some work into developing a consistent meter first. This doesn’t mean that your finished piece has to come out as perfectly Iambic, Trochaic, etc., but to begin with it would be great practice. Look into Blank Verse: Iambic Pentameter with no rhymes. This tends to force you to search out more descriptive words. quote: Yesser, ‘tis “a pisser,” but it needn’t stink. Sid @ www.cynicsRus.com |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
