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Critical Analysis #2
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reaching up
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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reaching up |
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buckysimone Junior Member
since 2003-10-19
Posts 27 |
reaching up my hands for the sky. the ship slowly submerges gallons of water pour through my mouth holding my breath. minutes and hours pass through the rushing fury blinded by the salt bleeding fingernails burning eyes. thrusting my arms against the current darkness subsides in my eyes i see it all. on top of the world screaming at the top of my lungs sharing with the world i’m reaching up |
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| © Copyright 2003 buckysimone - All Rights Reserved | |||
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tecoyah Member
since 2003-11-16
Posts 83NY |
Damn....visual and dark...loved this, wouldnt change a thing. thanx |
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Tim Senior Member
since 1999-06-08
Posts 1794 |
somehow the top of the world line doesn't feel right to me. Perhaps my age, because when I came to that line, I said to myself, top of the world ma, and visualized James Cagney. Somehow, I don't suspect that is the reaction you were seeking. |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
None of the lines stand out on their own to make this other than a clichéd attempt to describe a frightening subject. You need to develop more original metaphors. Whenever I see one-word lines in a poem I look for them to justify their position by emphasizing a certain point. Yours don’t and I feel it could flow more smoothly by combining these lines with another. Usually, centering such a poem comes across in my mind, as embellishment—meant to improve an otherwise mundane piece. Sid @ www.cynicsRus.com |
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