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Testament of Truth
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Testament of Truth |
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Patricia Member Elite
since 2003-04-06
Posts 2160Missouri 
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This poem was originally posted in Open Poetry #30. I have since revised this piece. A friend suggested I post this in Critical Analysis for a more in-depth critique. I am making every effort to grow as a poet, and as such, would find your opinions very valuable. Thank You! Testament of Truth Through sheer amiss of curtain’s break Upon December’s bleak awake Preceding Reaper’s come to take I spied her in her winter year The final winter she’d tread here In last moment of life’s partake Queen upon tuft of ruby weave Where majesties take evening leave Robed in golden gown of grieve Seated at her secretary In her wick-lit sanctuary ‘Twas where she’d practice her deceive Flickers fluttered upon the wall Come telling on her tales of tall Yet Queen not grant grace her fall No wail heard in sorrowed gloom Alone there in her shadowy tomb She’d not stall Reaper’s hallowed call Though others may have chose as fill Blackest ink to wet their quill She chose with quite exacting skill Satin’s instrument of delight Composed of grayest, gray graphite For this writing of her last will As she wrote, she shed not one tear Nor wrote she now her final fear ‘Twas then it all became quite clear With her recount in slow recant Of tales of more than slightest slant Was ne’er one, no one she held dear Though in this cold, cold winter night As Reaper stepped into the light I saw her shutter with fatal fright And as tears pooled to cleanse her eyes In anguished moment of realize She’d lay aside her gray graphite For they’d not erase her mind No, not a penny they would find Nor dime for her family’s kind Not a farthing, nor single note She firmly knew of what she wrote Her final words were meant to bind With care, she took up pen in hand For on this parchment truths would land In blackest ink, her fires fanned Her mind now spoken in its right With words expressed of will and might Death could now lead her by the hand |
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Katy Rose Junior Member
since 2003-11-25
Posts 13 |
Hi, this seemed to me to have a rhyme and rhythm structure with lots of potential but is let down by some slight awkwardness in the detail, one too many syllables in a line etc. Loved the evocative personification but the final stanza seems a little forced and ill fitting. pretty and promising though in my humble opinion :-) |
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steavenr Member Elite
since 2003-11-17
Posts 4058 |
Pat, I read this in the other forum and loved it. Perhaps the following comments will help. Testament of Truth Through sheer amiss of curtain’s break **perhaps abyss for amiss Upon December’s bleak awake Preceding Reaper’s come to take I spied her in her winter year The final winter she’d tread here In last moment of life’s partake **This is written in iambic tetrameter. The meter is a little off. Perhaps it could read “In moment last of life’s partake” Queen upon tuft of ruby weave **Again, meter Perhaps, “A queen on tuft of ruby weave Where majesties take evening leave Robed in golden gown of grieve **Here meter and foot. You need another syllable. Perhaps “Enrobed in golden gown of grieve.” Seated at her secretary **Breaks meter, but has good effect on this line and next In her wick-lit sanctuary ‘Twas where she’d practice her deceive Flickers fluttered upon the wall Come telling on her tales of tall Yet Queen not grant grace her fall **The foot, need syllable Just add ed to grant No wail heard in sorrowed gloom **Add the word was between wail and heard Alone there in her shadowy tomb **Minor, but might try shadowed instead of shadowy She’d not stall Reaper’s hallowed call **For meter, reverse not and stall Though others may have chose as fill Blackest ink to wet their quill **For meter and foot, add the before blackest She chose with quite exacting skill Satin’s instrument of delight **Meter is rough but good effect Is it Satin or Satan? Composed of grayest, gray graphite For this writing of her last will As she wrote, she shed not one tear **Meter, perhaps “She wrote as she shed not one tear” Nor wrote she now her final fear ‘Twas then it all became quite clear With her recount in slow recant Of tales of more than slightest slant Was ne’er one, no one she held dear Though in this cold, cold winter night As Reaper stepped into the light I saw her shutter with fatal fright **Foot, perhaps just change shudder to shake And as tears pooled to cleanse her eyes **Meter, perhaps “As tears did pool to cleanse her eyes” In anguished moment of realize She’d lay aside her gray graphite For they’d not erase her mind **Foot, perhaps lose the contraction No, not a penny they would find Nor dime for her family’s kind Not a farthing, nor single note **Meter, perhaps “Not farthing nor a single note” She firmly knew of what she wrote Her final words were meant to bind With care, she took up pen in hand For on this parchment truths would land In blackest ink, her fires fanned Her mind now spoken in its right With words expressed of will and might Death could now lead her by the hand **Meter, perhaps “Now, death could lead her by the hand.” All in all, Pat, this is a great poem. |
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Mysteria 
since 2001-03-07
Posts 18328British Columbia, Canada |
Well Patricia I shall learn if you post more in here, as I am not qualified enough to critique your work, but I enjoyed it. By those of you seeking critques the other give teaching tools for the likes of me, thank you. Carpe' Diem |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
In iambic tetrameter, as I understand it, some variation is allowed, even desirable to avoid monotony—as long as you maintain four measures. Although, S3-L6, requires some mental contortions to make it anywhere near iambic. It bothers me that the rhyme at times seems tedious and overly done, as in S2. Other times you try too hard to fit in the word you want for your end rhyme. Like when you use a transitive verb as a noun just to make it rhyme as in S1-L2, S1-L6, S2-Ls3&6(You could have, as easily said “to deceive” in that line, although I know you were going for “deception”), S3-L2, S6-L5. I realize it’s because you were attempting to give this a sort of majestic feel but, in my mind at least, it’s a distraction. In S4-L5, “grayest gray graphite” just doesn’t do it for me. (“Try saying that three time, fast!”) There must be a less “tongue twisting” way of writing this line. In S5-L1, you could eliminate the second “she” or say it as “without a tear” to help the meter. There seems to be conflicting images in S-4&S-8 I’m finding it difficult to correlate the differing ideas regarding her selection of “graphite,” and then taking “pen in hand …For on this parchment truths would land In blackest ink.” You’re lacking certain punctuation here and there. (“amiss” bothered me as well, but “abyss” is not the answer.) Sid @ www.cynicsRus.com |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Patricia, I see this is your first post in CA although it looks like you have been around a while. Welcome to the forum. This is a really good first offering. Thanks. As Sid said, the biggest problem is the forced rhyme. This is a different situation than what we usually see though. In most cases forced rhyme makes an entire line look out of place or not a coherent part of the poem. Here, your lines do seem to fit. It is only the rhyme word, where you have used a verb in place of a noun. In a poem this long, one such substitution might have been overlooked but you have done it far too many times. In most cases, I do like the word you have chosen as it fits the context. I think I would try to rearrange the corresponding line, where possible, to make that word grammatically correct. Be very careful to not fall into the more common forced rhyme though. As for the meter, it is permissible, and even desirable in a piece this long, to vary it some. One must be careful in doing so, however. It is usually acceptable to drop a syllable or add one, particularly at the beginning or end of a line. This works best when used for emphasis but there should be some reason for the emphasis. Another way is to substitute an occasional anapest for an imbedded iamb. As long as not overdone, I don't think you even need a reason for doing that. A particularly strong substitution is a spondee for an iamb, like your last line. It begins with two stressed syllables. "DEATH COULD / now LEAD / her BY / the HAND" In all honesty though, I had to read it the second time for it to come out that way. The first time it came out, DEATH could now / LEAD her / BY the HAND which is not good. I believe meter is most effective when it reads right automatically on the first try, where the reader doesn't have to stumble then reread the line to get it right. That hinders the flow and enjoyment of the first reading. We have to admit though that even Shapespeare wrote some lines that may not come out right the first time. Finally, I think you have way too many deviations from your dominant meter, iambic tetrameter. Just use a few. The only other technical fault I see is graphite. It doesn't properly rhyme with any word you paired it with. Consider, deLIGHT/GRAphite A rhyme occurs at the last stressed syllable. The vowel sound in that syllable and all following sounds must agree. This may seem to be a small point but it actually is more important than one might think. Night, light and fright also rhyme with delight but not graphite. Notice that they all fall on stressed syllables. I think you might have slipped this by one time, considering the length again. But, not only have you repeated it, it is also a central word and concept of the poem which serves to make it even more noticeable. I think this has real promise. I really like your theme and the way you have developed it. Just fix a few of those technical problems and it will be excellent. Thanks, Pete P.S. I came back to agree with the other guys. Amiss is wrong. Like Sid, I think abyss is too strong a word for what you want to say there. [This message has been edited by Not A Poet (11-26-2003 10:26 AM).] |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
See?  Told you there'd be some GREAT input!!!! |
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Patricia Member Elite
since 2003-04-06
Posts 2160Missouri |
Thank you for your critiques of this piece. This is exactly what I need to help me grow in my writing. I will study your replies this weekend and attempt a rewrite of this poem. Then I am going to do some heavy homework regarding styles and techniques. And... I will return here to gain the knowledge I need to become the poet I want to be. Thanks again, Patricia |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Be sure to submit the revision. And put it in a new thread if it is significantly changed. It's usually a good idea to pur (revised) or something similar in the subject line so everyone knows it is a revision rather than a new poem. Pete |
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Tim Senior Member
since 1999-06-08
Posts 1794 |
Patricia, the others have pointed out the obvious hiccups in your poem. I concur in the fact you need to smooth out the bumps in your meter and some of your rhymes could be rethought. You have chosen a daunting task in the form you have chosen and even to get where you are had to take a great deal of effort and thought. The only thing I would add to is my thoughts on the first line. A few have mentioned changes to the word amiss. I would personally suggest you go beyond that single word and consider a rewrite of focus of the line. My personal preference is to have a strong opening line, and I have to admit, the first line threw me as what you were attempting to convey. Perhaps switching to a break in the seasons, or if staying with the curtain, I would rethink sheer as well as amiss. Off the top of my head, Through shadowed veil, or something to visualize for the reader. Now shadowed veil would be cliche and therefore verboden in a critic's forum, but hopefully you get my drift. Anyway, you have put a lot of work into the good foundation of a fine poem. Good luck in the rewrite. [This message has been edited by Tim (11-27-2003 10:13 AM).] |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
Overall, the suggestions made above are minor by comparison and since it is obvious that you put a lot of work into this, and that it does have promise, I have to agree, it would be worth developing further. Sid @ www.cynicsRus.com www.primerhymeetc.com [This message has been edited by cynicsRus (11-27-2003 06:17 PM).] |
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